From Jersey to Colorado
by Kamije Celeek
Summary: A girl from New Jersey moves to South Park after being adopted by an old friend of her mother's. She's eager to have the fresh start, but between her insane father, her sister-of-Satan best friend, and her new brother, Eric Cartman, Kate's fresh start turns out to be more than she bargained for! Rated T for swearing, mentions of rape and abuse, and just because it's South Park
1. Welcome to South Park

**Recently I began watching** _ **South Park**_ **. As you all know, when I get into a new fandom, I almost always create a new character or two, and** _ **South Park**_ **is no exception. I want you all to meet Kate Meyercheck—the Jersey-girl-turned-South-Park-sister.**

 **Enough talk. Let's get to the story.**

* * *

It all started with a phone call at the Cartmans.

"MOM! PHONE!" Eric Cartman yelled to his mother. Liane entered the room and picked up the phone. She checked the caller ID and saw it was her old friend Lisa Meyercheck.

"Hello, Lisa!" she said brightly, heading into the kitchen. "How are you?"

" _Hello, Liane,_ " Lisa replied, sounding depressed. " _Not good, actually._ "

"Is it Mike? Is he still trying to catch you?"

" _Yes. That's actually a big part of the reason I'm calling. It's Kate._ "

"What's wrong with Kate?"

" _Living on the run like this isn't good for a little girl. She needs a steady home and I don't want Mike to find her._ "

"Oh?"

" _Liane, I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but I need you to help me. Would you be willing to adopt my daughter?_ "

"Well, I _would_ like my Eric to have a sister… and Kate is such a little darling! Yes, I'm willing to take her!"

" _I'll send you the paperwork. Thank you, Liane! This will be good for her._ " Lisa sounded bittersweet—like she was on the verge of tears but happy at the same time.

"All right. Bye, Lisa!"

Liane hung up and poked her head into the living room. Cartman was sitting on the couch, shoving Cheesy Poofs into his mouth as he stared at the TV. She crossed the room and stood next to the couch.

"Eric?" she asked gently. "Could you turn off the TV? I have something to tell you."

Cartman rolled his eyes but did as she asked.

"What, Mom?" he asked brattily.

"Eric, a friend of mine just asked me to do something for her, and I agreed to do it."

"I don't see why this fucking concerns me."

"Eric… she asked me to adopt her daughter."

Cartman dropped the bag of Cheesy Poofs and stared at his mom.

"ARE YOU _FUCKING KIDDING ME?!_ " he yelled. "YOU AGREED TO _ADOPT A KID?!_ "

"Now, listen, Eric. I've met her before, and she's a sweet little girl. It'll be good for you to have a little sister."

"I DON'T _FUCKING WANT_ A LITTLE SISTER, _MOM_!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Eric, but I already agreed to take her in, so you'll just have to deal with it for now, okay?"

Cartman glared at the carpet.

* * *

"It's such _bullshit_!" Cartman complained to his friends. "She just decides to _adopt a kid_ , without asking _me_!"

"So you're getting a little sister," Kyle said. "So what? Having a younger sibling isn't that bad."

"You don't _get it_ , Kyle! Having a sister will be the _worst_! Am I right, Stan?"

"If she's anything like Shelly, I'll pray for your soul," Stan joked. "But seriously, it might not be that bad. How old is she?"

"A few months younger than me."

"Dude, that means she'll be in our class and we'll get to meet her," Kyle stated.

"(When's she coming?)" Kenny asked, his voice muffled as usual.

"In a week."

* * *

Kate stared blankly out the window of the cab. She still felt a little shell-shocked and numb from her mother giving her up. Why had it happened? And why was her mother sending her to a quiet little mountain town?

The cab passed a sign that said simply SOUTH PARK. She was in her new home.

"Well, ain't this a nice place?" the driver commented. "You ever been here before?"

"No," she sighed.

"Listen, kid. My job is just to drop you off. Your mom already paid me, so don't worry about that, okay?"

"Okay."

He drove through a pretty nice downtown area, with places like a Photo Dojo, Unplanned Parenthood, and Tom's Rhinoplasty. Kate squirmed a little. This really _was_ a quiet little mountain town.

Eventually, they came to a street with houses on either side. Little kids, too young for kindergarten, were outside playing, as far as Kate could see. The cab slowed to a crawl to avoid hitting anybody and eventually stopped in front of a bright green house.

"All right, kid," the driver declared. "This is your stop. Enjoy your new life."

Kate grabbed her backpack and suitcase and got out of the car. Once she'd closed the door, the driver pulled a three-point turn and sped off in the direction he'd come from. She took a deep breath and walked up to the door, ringing the doorbell. Footsteps approached the door before it opened to reveal a woman Kate recognized as Liane Cartman.

"Welcome, Kate!" Liane said brightly. "This is your new home!"

Kate peered around. It was a nice house, as far as she could tell. Liane seemed sweet, too, like Lisa had been.

"Let me show you to your new room," Liane continued. "Then you can unpack and explore the house. Eric will be home in an hour and you can meet him."

Kate bit her lip and followed Liane upstairs. Liane opened a door to the left.

"This is your room. We can decorate it however you want once you get settled."

The little girl entered the room. It had obviously been a guest room beforehand, given the neutral walls and bedding. She gave Liane a genuine smile as the woman headed back downstairs.

Kate took a look in the mirror on the wall. She had barely had enough time to do her hair that morning before she went to the airport, so her dark brown hair was a bit of a mess. As usual, she felt pleased at the sight of her fair skin and freckles that dotted her face across her nose and cheeks. It set her apart from the people she'd grown up with in Jersey before she and her mom had taken off. No tans for her, just fair skin and freckles.

Shaking herself from her thoughts, Kate set to work unpacking. She put her clothes in the dresser and closet before setting out her more… _personal_ items. A photo album, her computer, her tablet, her favorite books… and a handgun. She put that one in the locking jewelry box she'd brought. Kate took a deep breath before setting that in the top drawer of the vanity and shutting the drawer.

* * *

Kate laid on her new bed, staring at the ceiling. She'd explored the house as much as she could, save for the basement. That had an electronic lock on it for some reason. Eric had yet to show up, but Kate felt nervous about meeting him. She'd never had a brother before, and he hadn't had a sister. According to Liane, Eric hadn't wanted the adoption to happen, but she'd gone through with it anyway.

The sound of the front door slamming and a loud voice made her jump.

"MOM! I'M HOME!"

Kate slid off the bed and opened the door to see a fat boy in a red coat going to the room closest to the stairs. She guessed he was Eric, her new brother.

"Hi," she greeted him. He yelped and turned to face her.

"DON'T FUCKING DO THAT!" he snapped.

"Sorry!" she squeaked, a little scared.

"Anyway, you must be my new sister. What's your name?"

Jeez, was he bipolar? It was a complete flip in personality.

"Hello? I said, what's your name, dumbass?"

"Katherine, but everyone calls me Kate."

"Well, Kate, this is _my_ house, so you just stay out of my way and we won't have any issues, okay?"

"Okay. So you're Eric?"

"Yeah, but most people call me 'Overlord of the Universe'. Or Cartman."

"I'll call you Cartman."

He huffed and went in his room, slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

The next morning, Liane drove the two of them to South Park Elementary. Kate stood awkwardly behind her adoptive mother while Cartman ran for his class, eager to avoid his new sister rather than support her.

"You'll be in Mr. Garrison's class, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey told Kate. "Your brother's already there, but I'll show you the way, m'kay?"

"O-okay…" Kate replied.

"Have a good day, sweetie!" Liane called as she left the office.

Kate followed Mr. Mackey down the hall. She felt nervous. She'd been homeschooled on the road for so long that she'd forgotten what being in an actual _school_ was like. Mr. Mackey seemed nice enough, if a little odd.

"Here we are," Mr. Mackey said, opening the door to the fourth-grade classroom. "Wait out here while I talk to Mr. Garrison, m'kay?"

Within a couple minutes, a man in green followed Mr. Mackey out of the room.

"Is this my new student?" he asked.

"Yes. This is Katherine Cartman."

"Cartman? As in she's related to Eric?"

"Adopted."

"Oh." The man gave Kate a look. "I'm Mr. Garrison. Come on in and we'll introduce you to the class. Just wait until I tell you, okay?"

"Okay." Kate stared at her shoes. Mr. Mackey headed back down the hall and Mr. Garrison went inside the classroom.

"All right, children. Let's take our seats," he declared. "We have a new student joining us today. Let's do our best to make her feel welcome. Come on in!"

The class looked at the door as it opened. In walked a girl with dark brown hair tied in a side ponytail. She was staring at the ground shyly.

"Go on and introduce yourself," Mr. Garrison urged.

"M-my name is Katherine C-Cartman, and I'm excited to be here," she said. "Please call me Kate, though."

"Well, Katherine, there's an open seat next to Wendy, so please sit there. Wendy, raise your hand so Kate can see you."

Wendy smiled and did as she was told. Kate sat next to her, feeling uncomfortable under the stares of her new classmates. Well, with Cartman, it was more of a glare, but you get the point.

* * *

Lunch wasn't great for Kate. She sat by herself, since most of the other tables were full and she didn't feel like intruding on someone else's group. Cartman had a triumphant look on his face as he looked at her all by herself.

"Your new sister seems sweet," Stan told Cartman.

" _Please_! I came home yesterday, and she scared the _crap_ out of me!" he snorted.

"How?" Butters asked.

"She just snuck up behind me and said hi!"

"I think that's more of you being a coward, dumbass," Kyle retorted. "She's in a new place with new people she's never met before. She's not going to try to scare people yet."

"Aw, she's just shy!" Butters cooed. "I bet if we show her she's welcome here, she'll warm up to us in no time!"

"She's riding the bus home with us," Cartman snickered. "She'll sit by herself for today."

"(I'll sit with her,)" Kenny offered.

"Sorry, Kinney, but I don't want your poor-people germs infecting her."

"(Fuck you.)"

* * *

At recess, Kate sat under a tree by herself, again not wanting to annoy anybody. She was just staring at a book on her lap.

"Hi."

She looked up to see one of her brother's friends. The one in the green hat.

"Hi," she replied.

"I'm Kyle. I'm in your class."

"It's… nice to meet you."

"Mind if I sit with you for a sec?"

"Not at all."

He sat next to her and glanced at her book.

"What's it called?"

"What's what called?"

"Your book."

"Oh. It's called _Bizenghast_. It's mostly a lot of ghosts and awkward teenage stuff."

"Sounds weird."

…

"Why are you talking to me?"

"You looked like you needed a friend."

"Yeah. The only kid at this school I know is Cartman."

"What's it like having Fatass as a brother?"

"He's loud, rude, and he told me to stay out of his way."

"Sounds like being his friend."

"You seem nice, Kyle." She gave him a little smile.

"If you want, I can sit with you on the bus when we go home," he offered.

"I'd like that. Thanks, Kyle."

"GET A ROOM!" Cartman jeered from across the playground.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, FATASS!"

"DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU FUCKING JEW!"

Kate giggled.

Living in South Park might not be so bad.

* * *

 **And first chapter's done.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	2. It's All Greek to Me

**So yeah, this story is going to be largely episodic, with occasional actual arcs. Ships include Creek, Stendy, Heidman, and KateXKyle. No ship name yet.**

"All right, children. Let's take our seats," Mr. Garrison declared to the class. "Today we're going to be discussing our upcoming school play. Now this is an unusual play because it's not an actual play. It's based off an old Greek myth and it's about love." Kate raised her hand. "Yes, Katherine?"

"Which myth, sir?" she asked. "There's a lot about love."

"Good question, Katherine. This myth is about Eros, the god of love, and Psyche, a mortal princess. Now, as far as the story goes, Psyche was seen as the sexiest person ever to exist, which majorly pissed off Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty who also happened to be Eros's mother. Do you know this story, Katherine, because all I know is the part about Aphrodite being pissed off?"

"I do."

"Oh, God," groaned Cartman. Kate went up to the front of the class and took a deep breath.

"Okay, so because Aphrodite is one goddess you do _not_ want to piss off, she told Eros to go down to Earth and make Psyche fall in love with a hideous monster because Aphrodite is a massive bitch. He goes down there and he's going to hit her with one of his arrows because he's _basically_ Cupid, but he sees Psyche and he's so _flustered_ by her beauty that he accidentally stabs himself with one of his own arrows."

"BORING!" Cartman fake-coughed.

"Anyway, Psyche's parents want her to get married, but even though Psyche is really beautiful, nobody wants to marry her because she's the kind of beautiful that people admire from afar. They go to the Oracle of Delphi, who is a psychic, and she says that Psyche _will_ find a husband, but he'll be a monster that even the gods fear."

"BOO, KATE! BOOOO!"

"You wanna tell this story, Fuck Trash?!"

"I can do it better than you, Freckle-Face Whore!"

"FINE!"

She went back to her seat and Cartman took her place at the front.

"So, basically, Eros takes Psyche to his house and she's not allowed to look at him, even when they're banging each other. Her sisters, when they come visit, are all pissy because Psyche has a great guy and they're stuck with old dudes. They convince her to betray him, and long story short, Psyche has to go on a big long journey for Aphrodite before she can be with Eros, which she does, and they live happily ever fucking after."

"Thank you, Eric," sighed Mr. Garrison. "Anyway, we'll be having auditions today, so everyone head down to the auditorium and we'll get started."

In the auditorium, the kids were in their seats, ready to get it all done and over with. It was a schoolwide show, meaning every kid from second to fifth grade was there. Kenny waved to his little sister, who gave a shy wave back. The auditions involved a cold read of the script and a monologue. Some people, like Craig and Heidi, volunteered to work backstage rather than be in the play. That knocked out about half of the prospective actors, but that helped narrow it down quite a bit.

The next day, the results of the auditions were posted on the bulletin board by the cafeteria.

 ** _Eros and Psyche: Love and the Soul_** ** _Cast_**

 ** _Narrator: Kyle Broflovski_**

 ** _Psyche: Karen McCormick_**

 ** _Aphrodite: Bebe Stevens_**

 ** _Eros: Butters Stotch_**

 ** _King of Miletus: Stan Marsh_**

 ** _Queen of Miletus: Wendy Testaburger_**

 ** _Zephyr: Kenny McCormick_**

 ** _Sisters: Jenny Simons and Lola Young_**

 ** _Persephone: Katherine Cartman_**

 ** _Zeus: Eric Cartman_**

 ** _Chorus: Stan Marsh, Wendy Testaburger, Kenny McCormick, Jenny Simons, Lola Young, Katherine Cartman, Eric Cartman, Rebecca Newton, Victoria Sawyer, Tweek Tweak, Token Black, Nichole McKinnon, Jimmy Valmer, Timmy Burch, Nelly Greene, Clyde Donovan, Scott Malkinson, David Rodriguez, and Monica Ryland_**

"Yes!" cheered Bebe. "I'm the goddess of love and beauty!"

"Oh, yeah?" giggled Kate. "I'm queen of the underworld!"

"I can't believe some bitch in a lower grade got the lead," complained Monica.

"(Hey!)" Kenny yelled. "(That's my sister you're talking about!)"

"Sorry, Kenny!"

"I think she'll do a great job," Kate assured Kenny.

"(Well, as long as Butters doesn't touch her…)"

"I won't, Ken!" Butters told Kenny.

Rehearsals proved to be simple yet fun affairs for the next six weeks until opening night. Despite _certain people_ (Cartman) causing problems, the Greek story proved to be a popular one once it got going.

Before anybody knew it, opening night (and the final night) arrived and everyone was frantic.

"Brown chestnut, brown chestnut, make us act well, make us act well…" chanted Kate under her breath as she paced back and forth. Karen was nervously clutching Kenny's hand. It was the first time many of them had seen him without his hood, so he was uncomfortable under everyone's stares.

"Places, everyone!" Heidi, who'd been made stage manager, called. "Curtain goes up in two minutes. Kyle, be in position."

"Got it!" Kyle replied, running for his spot. He bumped into Kate, who fell backwards before he caught her in the nick of time. They stared awkwardly at each other for a moment.

"HEY!" Cartman yelled. "GET IN POSITION, JEW!"

"S-sorry, Kate!" Kyle stammered, setting her upright. "See you later! Break a leg!"

"Same to you!" Kate replied, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

"KYLE!" Heidi snapped.

"Coming!"

The curtain rose to reveal Kyle in a kingdom set, sitting on a bench in a garden.

"Our story begins in the kingdom of Miletus," he began, holding a prop storybook titled simply _Greek Myths_. "The king and queen were proud people, most of all when it came to their youngest daughter, Psyche." Stan and Wendy walked onstage with Karen, smiling proudly on either side of her.

"Oh, Psyche," Stan declared. "We're lucky to have a daughter as beautiful as you."

"Yes!" Wendy chirped in agreement. "So many people admire you!"

"Ps-Psyche is the m-most be-beautiful girl in ex-existence!" Jimmy announced as he came onstage with most of the chorus.

"Yes!" Clyde agreed.

"See?" Wendy sighed. "In fact, Psyche, you're more beautiful than Aphrodite herself!"

"Don't say that, dear," Stan chided. "The goddess may hear, and then we'll be in trouble."

"Don't be ridiculous! She won't hear what I said!"

"Little did the foolish queen know that the goddess _did_ hear," Kyle continued as the others moved offstage and Bebe came onstage, looking very regal as she sat in a fancy-looking throne.

" 'More beautiful than Aphrodite herself'?!" she snarled. "That little hussy thinks she can take _my_ place?! I'll show her! Eros! Get out here!"

Butters ran out onstage with fake wings and carrying a bow. A quiver of arrows was strapped to his back.

"Yes, Mom?" he asked.

"There's a girl on Earth that I want you to have fall in love with a hideous monster. She's the plainest, ugliest girl I've ever seen and she has the _gall_ to think she's prettier than me. She needs to be taken care of."

"Well, Mom… okay. I'll do it."

"Good. Her name is Psyche, and she lives in the kingdom of Miletus. I don't care what you make her fall in love with; just make her miserable."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And so Eros, under the cover of darkness, went to Psyche," Kyle continued. Karen came onstage in a bed, asleep, while Butters came through a window.

"All right," Butters said. "Let's see this girl." He lifted up a small lantern and looked at Karen. "Well, gee! She's beautiful! Why did Mom lie?" He pretended to be distracted and pricked his hand on the arrow in his hand. "OUCH! Wow, she's _really_ amazing! I can't force her to love a monster… unless…"

Karen yawned and sat up. Butters ducked under the bed.

"Is someone there?" she asked sleepily. When no answer came, she went back to sleep.

"As time went by, with no possible husbands for Psyche presenting themselves, her parents decided to take her to see the Oracle of Delphi to ask if she would ever find a husband."

Victoria stood in a cloak, looking very much the part of an oracle as Stan and Wendy approached with Karen. They pushed her forwards, towards Victoria.

"Go on, Psyche," Stan urged. "Ask."

"Oh, Oracle of Apollo!" Karen stated. "Will I ever find a husband? Will I marry like my sisters?"

"Yes, young princess," Victoria replied in a hissing tone.

"You hear that?" Wendy squealed. "There's hope for her yet!"

"However… your husband will be a monster that even the gods fear. He has already set his sights on you, and you must go to him, little princess."

"Oh, gods!" Wendy wailed. "This is my fault! I insulted Aphrodite and she has cursed us!"

"Go to the cliff at the edge of your kingdom. There, the monster will take her for his bride."

"With no other options, the king and queen of Miletus left their youngest daughter on the cliff as instructed, mourning that a girl so fair was going to be tied to a monster." Karen sat while Kenny came onstage. He extended a hand to her. "Zephyr, the West Wind, took the young princess to a beautiful mansion, where she was to meet her husband."

"Hello?" Karen called as Kenny ran offstage.

"Hi!" Butters replied.

"Where are you? I can't see you!"

"And you can't! I'm too hideous! Trust me. You're safe here."

"And so Psyche began her new life. She was happy with her husband, until her sisters arrived to visit."

"Hi, Psyche!" Jenny greeted Karen as she walked onstage.

"How's married life?" added Lola.

"It's great. My husband is the nicest one I could ask for."

"The sisters were jealous of Psyche because she had a kind and attentive husband, while they were stuck with old men who barely paid attention to them. They decided that they needed to ruin Psyche's life."

"So, what does he look like?" asked Jenny.

"Oh, I'm not allowed to look at him. He says he's too ugly for me."

"Maybe you should try to get a look," Lola suggested.

"What do you mean?"

"Sneak into his room tonight with a lantern and this dagger." Jenny handed the prop to Karen. "Look at his face, and if he's really as hideous as he claims, kill him before he kills you and your unborn baby."

"Okay." Karen took the dagger and Jenny and Lola walked offstage.

"That night, Psyche snuck into her husband's room with a lantern and dagger. She was ready to kill him, but then she saw him."

"Oh my gods," breathed Karen. "He's beautiful. He's… he's not a monster at all! He's a god!"

She reached forward but pricked her hand on one of the arrows that laid by the bed.

"Unfortunately, the oil in the lantern also wanted to be closer to Eros, so it splashed on his shoulder."

"OW!" screamed Butters, looking at Karen. "You-you—" He ran offstage.

"Oh, no!"

"Psyche longed to apologize to him, but unfortunately, Aphrodite had other plans. She was now twice as angry with Psyche and vowed to make her life even more miserable."

"Hey!" Bebe snapped, coming onstage.

"Aphrodite!" gasped Karen, bowing.

"You little hussy! First, you try to claim you're more beautiful than me, and now you've burnt my son!"

"I'm sorry! I just wanted to know what he looked like…"

"Well, I _suppose_ I can forgive you, if you do some things for me first."

"Whatever you want, ma'am! I just want a second chance!"

"Is that so?" Bebe took on an evil smirk and fake-punched Karen across the stage. "There. Now I feel a lot better. Here." She dumped a little bag of fake grain on the stage. "Sort these by sundown if you value your life." She walked away.

"Poor Psyche was distraught. Luckily, a nearby nest of ants took pity on her and sorted the grain." A third of the chorus walked onstage dressed as ants and 'sorted' the grain. "Aphrodite wasn't happy that Psyche had succeeded and gave her an even more dangerous task: gathering the fleece of the man-eating and vicious sun sheep."

A third of the chorus came out dressed as fluffy golden sheep.

"Oh, no! They'll eat me alive!" fretted Karen. "I should just drown myself."

"Hey!" snapped Nichole, dressed as a water nymph. "Don't pollute my river!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Why do you want to drown yourself?"

"I have to gather the fleece of the sun sheep or Aphrodite will kill me!"

"Oh. That's easy. Just gather it off the bushes and you'll be fine."

"Thank you."

"No problem. It's about time someone took her royal vainness down a peg, and you're pretty enough to do it."

"Psyche gave the fleece to Aphrodite, who was again enraged that the mortal had succeeded. She gave one last task to the princess: go to the Dread Queen Persephone and get some of her beauty."

Karen walked into a fake throne room where Kate sat, dressed like a queen of the underworld.

"Excuse me, Persephone?" Karen asked.

"Yes, little one?"

"Aphrodite sent me… to get some of your beauty." She held out a fancy box. "I'm sorry if you're offended."

"I'm not. Here." She did something to the box and handed it back to Karen. "Give Aphrodite my regards. And don't open it until you get back to her."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And so Psyche began making her way back to Aphrodite. As she walked, she realized that she looked very worn-out and unappealing." Karen looked at the box in her hands.

"If this box has pure beauty in it, maybe I should use some of it to look nice for Eros. I'm sure Aphrodite won't mind…"

Karen opened the box and fell backwards.

"Psyche had died, since it turned out nothing was in the box but death. Luckily, Eros had long since forgiven her, and he escaped his mother's grasp long enough to save his bride."

"Psyche!" Butters yelled, kneeling next to her and lifting her head. Karen opened her eyes and smiled.

"You came," she murmured.

"Of course I did. I forgave you a while ago. Mom just wouldn't let me go."

"And so Eros brought Psyche to Mount Olympus, where he asked Zeus to make her his equal and a goddess."

"Well… I don't know…" Cartman said as he sat onstage. "Why should I?"

"Because I love her, and I want her to live here with us," Butters replied.

"Not good enough."

"She's pregnant and Aphrodite will be a grandmother if you make this happen," Kate told Cartman.

"Done!"

"But—" Bebe whined.

"Shut up and sit down, Aphrodite!" Cartman snapped.

"Psyche was given nectar and ambrosia, the food of the gods, and became a goddess herself. She and Eros had a baby girl, whom they named Bliss, and they lived happily ever after."

The cast did their bows, everyone looking extremely pleased with how the play had gone. Apparently, the audience agreed, since they gave the kids a standing ovation.

 **So yeah, no signature** ** _South Park_** **craziness yet. Next time, we'll have a little insight into Kyle's feelings on Kate. How does that sound?**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	3. Little Miss Park County

**I have to break my promise, because I realized that revealing how Kyle feels about Kate when I've barely written either of them interacting with each other is a dumb idea.**

 **Instead, I came up with an idea for a chapter that would help us get more of an idea of Kate's personality. This chapter involves a little bit of backstory and a whole lot of beauty pageant shenanigans.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

It was a normal day in South Park, Colorado. People were doing drugs and drinking in the middle of the day, adults were at work, and kids were playing inside and out. That included the familiar four that seemed to be the epicenter of everything that happened in their 'quiet little mountain town'. They were actually just walking through town, and they happened to pass a woman handing out fliers.

"Hello, boys!" she greeted them, stepping into their path. "Do you have sisters?"

"Why?" Cartman asked.

"The Little Miss Park County Beauty Pageant is in two weeks, and we're looking for contestants!"

"No thanks," Stan commented, starting to walk away.

"The grand prize is 5,000 dollars."

 _That_ got their attention. All four rushed to take a flier from the lady.

"Thank you, boys! I hope to see your sisters at the pageant!"

"Do we know any girls who can do the pageant?" Stan asked. "Shelly's too old and she's a bitch."

"(Karen's too young,)" Kenny added.

"I don't have a sister," sighed Kyle, before he turned to Cartman. "Looks like your sister's our only option."

"Dumbass, Kate's _not_ a pageant girl," Cartman snapped. "She's not girly at all."

"Well, it couldn't hurt to ask."

* * *

"…and, yeah, will you do it?"

Kate glanced down at the flier and back up at the boys. She was lying on her stomach on her bed, where she'd been reading and listening to music until her brother and his friends had dropped in.

"Hmm…" She wrinkled her nose as she considered their proposal.

"Please, Kate?"

"Okay. It'll be fun to make those beauty queens weep at my feet when I completely and totally crush them."

"YES!" Cartman cheered. "FUCK YOU, KYLE! I TOLD YOU SHE'D DO IT!"

"NO, YOU DIDN'T!"

"YUH-HUH! I DID!"

"I believe you thought I wouldn't do it," Kate commented, sliding off her bed and putting her book on the bedside table. "You're majorly self-centered and pessimistic."

"Kate!"

"What? I've lived here for less than three months and you didn't think I noticed that?"

"Stupid whore…"

"Ignore him," Stan assured Kate. "We have two weeks to get you ready for the pageant, so clear your schedule."

"I have no schedule," Kate replied. "In case you forgot, I'm something of a shut-in outside of school and theater."

"(You got this!)" Kenny cheered.

"We'll be here at eight tomorrow morning," Kyle told Kate. "Be ready to start getting ready for the pageant."

"Dude, we don't know how to get her ready," Stan sighed as they walked down the street.

"We can look it up online, Stan!" Cartman sniped. "Besides, anything's better than her as herself. She has no idea how to do pageants."

* * *

At Kyle's, the boys surrounded the computer to look up how to do a beauty pageant.

"Okay, so according to this, the pageant has a bunch of smaller competitions," Kyle informed the boys. "Casual, formal, sleepwear, swimsuit, a question-and-answer segment, and a talent competition. We have to have a separate outfit for every segment and meet the dress code for each one."

"Dammit, these things have a fucking _dress code_?!" Cartman whined. "We might have to get another girl or two involved to help out."

"Yeah, we don't know anything about fashion," Stan agreed.

"That can come later. For now, we have to work on other stuff, like her answers for the Q and A segment, her talent, and her 'walk', whatever that is."

* * *

The next morning, Stan, Kenny, and Kyle arrived at the Cartmans at 8 on the dot. They had some ideas for Kate's talent, but they needed to figure out what it was, first.

Kate was in her room, digging through her closet for something.

"What are you looking for?" Kyle asked.

"My pumps. I can't find my silver pumps or my purple dress."

"Kate, there's guidelines for how you need to dress," Cartman groaned.

"I know. I looked up the pageant last night. It'll be easy."

"Yeah, with _us_ training you!"

"Got 'em!" Kate turned around holding a pair of silver heels and wearing a victorious grin. "These'll work great for the formal section, and maybe the talent portion, too."

"Yeah, what's your talent?" Stan asked.

"Singing and playing piano. That's what I'm good at."

"Oh…" Kyle mumbled.

"Look, you guys are sweet to try and help me, but I _know_ what I'm doing. This ain't my first rodeo."

"You've done pageants before?"

"Yeah, back when I lived with both of my birth parents."

"What pageants did you win?" Cartman asked, confused.

"Tiny Little Miss Jersey, three years running!"

"JERSEY?!" the boys gasped.

"OH, HELL NO! MY SISTER IS NOT FROM _NEW FUCKING JERSEY_!"

"I haven't _lived_ in New Jersey since I was five! That was when my mom left my dad and we went on the road!"

"Oh. No wonder you look so pale and un-orange."

"No, I just take after my mom. My dad's _pure_ New Jersey. Trust me."

That was that. The boys left the pageant-girl stuff up to Kate, who simply needed to refresh her mind on the proper practices of a pageant princess. They knew some of what she was doing, but most of it was going to be a surprise. Their job was to be her backstage support team and not much besides that.

* * *

On the day of the pageant, the boys were dropped off at the community center along with Kate and her stuff. There were a lot of girls who were wearing enough makeup to supply a circus clown for a year, and some were even wearing padding in their chest area.

"Oh, God, these girls are professionals," Kyle sighed. "Kate, it's been years since you were a pageant girl. Are you sure you can win?"

"It's not a glitz pageant," she sighed in frustration. "It's not a natural pageant either. That means it's basically a free-for-all."

"Damn," Cartman sighed. "This is gonna be so lame."

"Fucking _leave_ then!" snapped Kate.

"No way! I want my cut!"

Kate rolled her eyes and headed in, registering as Katherine instead of Kate, and went backstage where she began to get ready. She waved the boys away, saying she needed them in the audience more than she needed them backstage.

* * *

"Next up we have Number 32, Katherine!" the MC said, gesturing to the stage.

Kate walked out in her knee-length purple dress, her hair in an elegant bun and her makeup applied lightly but masterfully. She curtsied to the audience like pro.

"Katherine enjoys reading, acting, and hanging out with her friends."

Kate turned around and blew a kiss over her shoulder to the judges.

"Damn, she's a natural," sighed Kyle in a lovesick voice.

"Kyle, that's my baby sister," Cartman hissed.

"She's _our age_! She's not a baby!"

Kate came out for casual (a tight T-shirt and artfully-ripped jeans with stylish sneakers) and sleepwear (a set of pajamas that looked like some Japanese owl character name Totoro). After that, there was an intermission and the boys were able to talk to Kate before the swimsuit competition started.

"You think you can just _waltz_ in here and steal _my_ crown, Trailer Trash?!" they heard a girl yell. A blonde wearing an electric-blue bikini that was obviously padded in the chest area was getting in Kate's face. " _I'm_ the champion, so back off."

"No, _you_ back the fuck off, bitch!" Kate snapped back. "I'm winning this thing, and I'm not afraid to take you down to make that happen!"

"Is that so? Where are you from, hon?"

"South Park."

"Figures," the girl sniffed. "All girls from South Park are violent sluts."

"You wanna try that again?" Kate was getting up in Blondie's face, more pissed than the boys had ever seen her. "Talk bad about my town again and I'll drag you out of here by your bleach-stained hair."

"HOW DARE YOU?!" Blondie screeched, lunging for Kate. The Jersey girl sidestepped her attack and gave a winning smile.

Behind that smile was pure malice.

* * *

The swimsuit segment went off without a hitch, much to everyone's relief. Blondie (whose name turned out to be Quinn) was almost _too_ fake for the stage. It was a little disgusting, actually, and Kate did much better. She hadn't been _trained_ , but pageantry was in her blood.

* * *

"…now, Katherine, here is your question," the MC said. " 'What is the worst kind of person in this world, and why?' "

Kate took a deep breath as she considered her answer.

"The worst kind of person in this world is the kind that's horrible on the inside. They're the kind of people who seem like nothing but perfect on the outside, but behind closed doors, they become the monsters we warn kids about. They're the men and women who abuse their spouses mentally, emotionally, and physically. They're the people we hear about on the news, that they seemed like such nice people how shocking it is that they would hurt anybody. To be human is to be imperfect, but those are the kind of imperfections we can do without."

The judges stared at Kate, flabbergasted at her answer. They'd obviously been expecting something about fashion, not some big social commentary.

Naturally, the talent competition was a snap for Kate, too, launching her into the top spot and to victory.

"Great job, Kate!" Stan complimented.

"Thanks," she replied. "I'm going to put the money in the bank for when we hit high school. We're _really_ going to need it then."

Well, maybe it wasn't great for everyone…

* * *

 **That sucked. Next chapter will be better.**

 **By the way, when Kate gave her answer, she was speaking from personal experience. Her father was** _ **not**_ **a good person, and that's why her mother left him. Kate knew her father was abusive, which is why she hates to even mention him most of the time. She hates him for what he did to her mother, and she wants nothing more than to put a bullet in his head.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	4. Satan's Baby Sister

**I had to include some** _ **South Park**_ **craziness eventually.**

 **Big thanks to my friends for being my idea buffers for this story! Especially Kimmy, who was the inspiration for the hellspawn you're about to meet. She asked for it, so don't think I'm making fun of her!**

* * *

There were a lot of things people didn't know about Satan. He had a son, Damien. He was gay. He wanted nothing more than to live on Earth (and ravage it with hellfire). He also had a little sister. She'd randomly appeared in Hell one day and started calling him her brother, so he was happy to oblige. It wasn't lonely while she was there, but his sister had a friend on Earth who she loved to visit. It had been a while since either of them had heard from her friend, and Kimmy (his sister) was getting worried. She was out searching for her friend, or to be specific, her friend's mother.

* * *

"Lisa!"

The brown-haired woman jumped at the sudden voice before she saw the speaker. She let out a sigh of relief at the sight.

"Oh, Kimmy! It's just you."

"Yeah, just me. Is Kate around?"

"Well, no. She's not with me anymore."

"WHAT?! YOU KILLED HER?!"

"Oh, _God_ , no! I just asked a friend to take her in!"

"Where?"

"South Park, Colorado."

That name seemed to spark something in Kimmy's mind. She pulled out a small notepad and pen.

"Address?"

* * *

Liane got up when she heard a knock at the door. She opened it to see a girl with waist-length reddish-orange hair wearing a black-and-white baseball cap. The girl was holding an overnight bag, as if she'd been travelling for a while.

"Can I help you?" Liane asked.

"Yeah. My name is Kimmy Morningstar, and I'm looking for Kate Meyer—I mean, Kate Cartman," the girl replied.

"Come in, then. Kate's upstairs." Liane let Kimmy in before she came to the bottom of the stairs. "Kate! Someone's here to see you!"

"Coming, Mom!" came Kate's reply. The brunette came running down the stairs and stopped when she saw Kimmy. "OH MY GOD! KIMMY!"

"Surprise!" Kimmy announced, throwing open her arms. Kate rushed in for a hug and Liane couldn't help but smile.

"Mom, can Kimmy spend the night?!" Kate asked excitedly.

"Of course, sweetie! She seems nice! I'll go make some cookies for you two while you get her settled in your room, okay?"

"Okay!"

"I'm _nice_?!" Kimmy scoffed as she and Kate headed upstairs. "I'm the sister of _motherfuckin' Satan himself_! The goddamn _Antichrist_ is my nephew!"

"Shush!" hissed Kate. " _My_ brother is still home!"

"Oh, he is? Well, he'll be downstairs with me eventually, so might as well meet him, right?"

"Right…"

Kate led Kimmy into her room and the female demon gave it a once-over.

"It's a great room, for someone who hasn't had a permanent home since kindergarten." She flopped on the bed. "I'll sleep here."

"Nope. You get the sleeping bag."

"Aw, c'mon!"

"Sorry, Kimmy. That's _my_ bed."

"Boo, you whore." Kimmy took the sleeping bag that Kate had pulled out of the closet. "Fine, I'll sleep on the floor."

"And I've got school tomorrow, so no late-night adventures, okay?"

"Ooh, a permanent home _and_ no homeschooling? You've moved up in the world."

"I know."

"Now, about your brother…"

"No, you can't burn him, even if he _is_ an asshole."

"Boo, you whore."

Kate shook her head, laughing. She knew Kimmy never meant it when she insulted her, which is why the 'whore' comment didn't bother her as much as it would've bothered other people. The 'boo, you whore' thing was something Kimmy had been saying for years, as her way of saying, 'you suck, but okay, I'll do the thing'.

"Hey, why don't you come to school with me tomorrow?"

"You mean sit in one room for eight hours listening to somebody drone about information I'm probably never going to use since I live in Hell? Sure, sounds great. I can mess with some fuckers who I'm probably going to see there eventually."

"Thanks, Kimmy. Don't forget to make it like you're supposed to be there with the faculty."

"I _know_."

* * *

The next morning, Kate showed up at the bus stop with Kimmy in tow, looking happy to be with her friend again.

"Hey, Kate!" Kyle greeted her. "Who's this?"

"This is Kimmy," Kate replied. "She's my best friend."

"And the princess of Hell, bitch," Kimmy added. She looked over at Kenny and rolled her eyes. "Hi, Kenny."

"(Hey, Kimmy,)" he replied in his muffled voice.

"Wait, _you're_ princess of Hell?" Stan asked in disbelief.

"Yep, and I can tell you right now, Fatass _will_ be down there once he kicks the bucket." She gestured to Cartman.

"Fuck you, bitch!" he yelled.

"No, fuck _you_ , Fatass!"

Kate let out a nervous laugh as the bus arrived.

* * *

In class, Mr. Garrison ignored the newcomer and went on with his normal lesson. Kimmy was quiet and docile until he called on Kate to answer a question.

"Now, who can tell me what is 327 times 3?" he asked. Kate raised her hand. "Katherine?"

"HEY!" Kimmy yelled. "Her name is Kate, dumbass!"

"I call her Katherine, Kimmy. Please sit down."

"NO, I WON'T!"

"Kimmy!" hissed Kate, tugging on her friend's sleeve. " _Please_ sit down. It's fine!"

"Boo, you whore."

Kimmy sat down as she'd been asked.

Yeah, that gives you an idea of how the day went.

* * *

At lunch, Kimmy talked to Kate animatedly about what they'd each been up to since they'd last seen each other. Cartman and his friends watched the two from their lunch table, feeling confused as to who exactly Kimmy was.

"Kate has _never_ mentioned her best friend is Satan's daughter," Cartman growled. "It's _bullshit_ and I think Kimmy's making it up!"

"About what?" Butters asked.

"About being the princess of Hell! There is _no_ princess of Hell!"

"(I believe her,)" Kenny replied.

"Of course you do, Kinney. She knew your name this morning and you think she's hot."

"(Dude, seriously! Fuck you!)"

"We need to see if she actually has powers."

"So, how do we do that?" Kyle inquired.

"We have two options: piss her off or we put Kate in some kind of danger."

"And if she _is_ the spawn of Satan?"

"We kill her."

* * *

After school, Cartman grabbed his sister, claiming that he needed to take her to do something. She gave loud protest, but he ignored her.

"What the fuck?" Kimmy asked Kyle. "Is it normal for him to ignore his sister?"

"Yep. Sad but true."

"He's such a fucking dick. I can't wait until he's burning back home."

"Speaking of which, are you _really_ from Hell?"

"What, you expect me to be red with horns and shoot fire all the time? I use my human form when I'm up here so I can hang out with Kate without freaking out the population."

"Oh. Do you have powers?"

"Of course I do. I just don't use them for the same reason I use a human appearance."

"Well, Cartman says you're lying."

"Cartman's a fat prick."

"He's going to try to get you to use your powers by putting Kate in danger."

"WHAT?!" Kimmy's eyes blazed with anger.

So did the ground around her.

"Holy shit," Stan whispered.

"CARTMAN!"

Kimmy vanished in a column of flame, obviously off to burn Cartman's ass for putting her friend in danger like that.

Needless to say, after that, Cartman one-hundred-percent believed Kimmy was Satan's younger sister.

* * *

"Owie!" whined Cartman as Kate put lotion on his burns. "Be careful, Kate!"

"I'm being as gentle as possible, dude. Sorry." She gave Kimmy a look. "Go gentler next time, okay?"

"Fine. Next time, I'll freeze him like the center of Hell."

Kate sighed as she wrapped bandages around Cartman's wounds. He gave her a grateful-puppy-dog look and she rolled her eyes.

"Well, see you guys later!" Kimmy said, hopping off the couch. "I've gotta go dump trash in Saddam's area of Hell."

Kate raised an eyebrow but didn't question it.

"I'll be checking in every now and then, so take care of Kate, okay, Cartman?"

"Boo, you whore."

"Good."

Once again, she disappeared in a column of flame.

"She couldn't have just used the door first?"

* * *

 **Short chapter today. I have a plan for next time, though. Remember Blonde Bitch Quinn? She'll be returning next time in all her bitchy glory and it's going down.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	5. Quinn Bitch

**Quinn Bitch is back. Back again. Bitch is back. Tell a friend.**

* * *

The day started like any other at South Park Elementary. Nobody could've predicted what happened that week, what bloodshed it would bring. It was a beautiful week, with the sun shining on the snow and no town-destroying catastrophe on the horizon.

No, instead, the order of the week was bringing down a beauty queen.

* * *

"All right, children, we have a lot to do today," Mr. Garrison announced. "First of all, I'd like to welcome a visitor to our class. She'll be here for a week as part of an exchange program between our school and East Park Preparatory School. Please give a warm South Park welcome to Quinn Hart."

The door opened and in walked a pretty blonde girl wearing an East Park Prep uniform. She looked around the classroom, locking eyes with Kate. That was when Kate recognized her; it was the girl who'd tried to attack her at the Little Miss Park County pageant.

"Now, Quinn, I'd like you to sit next to Kyle, okay?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Garrison," Quinn replied, her voice oozing with charm.

"Kyle, raise your hand so Quinn can see you."

Kyle sighed and raised his hand. Quinn flounced over to her seat and gave Kyle a winning smile. She then turned her gaze to Kate and gave her a nasty look.

That had just been the start of Quinn's campaign to discredit Kate. She wormed her way into each of the groups in the school, spreading rumors about the Jersey girl's pageant win and making it believable enough for everyone to think Kate had bribed the judges. You know, except for a few people, like Cartman and his friends. They knew Kate hadn't, since they'd been there, but the rest of the school was fair game for Quinn's poisonous tongue, especially once the rumors changed from the pageant to who Kate had been before South Park.

* * *

"There goes the Jersey whore."

"Jesus, what a bitch."

"I heard she's running from her exes and that's why she's here."

* * *

All it had taken was one petty bitch for Kate's new life to come crashing down. What made it worse was that Quinn was going after Kate herself. She constantly tried to get Kate's attention, but the brunette ignored the stereotype and walked away each time.

"You can't ignore me forever, bitch," Quinn sneered. She threw a textbook at Kate, who dodged it. Unfortunately, it hit Kenny in the face and broke his neck with the force. He laid on the floor, bleeding out as he died.

"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!" Stan yelled at Quinn.

"YOU BASTARD!" added Kyle. Kate stood over Kenny's body, shocked, as rats began swarming.

"That could've been you," Quinn told Kate.

"Look, Quinn, I asked you to leave me alone," Kate sighed, already forgetting that Kenny had died. "Why are you bugging me?"

"Because I don't tolerate girls who fake their way through pageants, win the crown, and completely ignore the _true_ _winner_!"

"I didn't fake my way through the pageant."

" _Puh-lease_! The whole 'people who are horrible behind closed doors are the worst kind of people' thing was _so_ rehearsed!"

" _Rehearsed_?!"

"Yeah!"

"So abusers _aren't_ the worst kind of people?"

"No, obviously the worst kind of person is a murderer!"

"So what about abusers? What about when they hurt their partners so much that they drive them away and force their child to grow up on the road, unable to have a permanent home until the parent gives them up?"

"Oh, boo-hoo. Cry me a river, road baby! All you were back then and all you are now is a fake-ass, freckle-faced, _Jersey Shore_ wannabe bitch-whore!"

"OOH!" the gathering crowd yelled.

"Get away from me, you walking one-dimensional bleach-blonde valley girl stereotype."

"OOH!"

"Ha! As if you can take me, you little skank. Let's see you try."

"Fine." Kate's voice held no anger. She was strangely calm, and her voice had a chilly tone that made almost everyone shudder in fear. "Meet me at the U-Stor-It after school at four. We'll settle this there."

"Fine! Hope you have your plastic surgeon on speed dial!"

Quinn flicked her hair and walked away. Kate flipped her off.

"Holy shit," Cartman whispered. "Quinn's gonna die."

"What?" Kyle asked, confused. "Kate didn't sound that mad."

"You don't know her, Kyel. Not like I do. When Kate gets like that, she'll be out for blood. Just ask poor Clyde Frog."

"She ripped your toy?"

"No, she tore his limbs to shreds and burned what was left."

"HOLY FUCK!"

"I know."

"We should take bets!" Clyde suggested. "Kate or Quinn? Who is the _true_ queen at our school?"

"I vote Kate," Cartman said, handing over twenty bucks. "My sister doesn't fuck around if she wants to hurt you."

"I'm voting for Quinn," Craig butted in. "She sounded serious."

"Quinn's a rumor-mongering bitch," Stan decided. "Kate's got my vote."

* * *

What about poor Kenny? He has to miss the fight because of Quinn.

Well, he would have, if he hadn't gone to Hell. When that textbook killed him, he wound up falling down the pit to the gates of Hell, where Kimmy happened to be working that day. She was checking off each entrant: murderers, thieves, drug addicts…

"Oh, hey, Kenny," she greeted him. She was in her demon form, including red skin and horns. "Lemme guess. You died at school."

"(Yep.)"

"How?"

"(Quinn Hart accidentally threw a textbook in my face and broke my neck. I died right at Kate's feet.)" He gasped. "(Shit. Kate. Kimmy, Kate's having some trouble.)

"What kind of trouble?"

"(Quinn Hart, the transfer student from East Park Prep, is super pissed at Kate for beating her in a beauty pageant, and she's been spreading rumors about Kate. The textbook that killed me was meant for Kate.)"

"WHAT?!" Kimmy's eyes blazed with the fires of Hell behind her. "BEELZEBUB! TAKE OVER! I HAVE A BITCH TO SMACK DOWN AND BURN ON EARTH!"

"Yes, ma'am," a tiny demon agreed.

"Let's go, Kenny. You're coming with me. Nobody remembers you died."

"(As usual.)"

"Sorry, kid. I'll figure out a way to help you one day."

* * *

Meanwhile, on Earth, the students of South Park Elementary were eagerly discussing the upcoming fight. Most planned to go, but some were eager to avoid being accomplices to murder. Cartman was trying to dissuade his sister from fighting, but she wasn't having it.

"I'm going to put a stop to her being such a bitch," she snarled. "Quinn needs to be knocked down a few pegs."

"Just try not to get arrested."

"You know the cops ain't gonna do shit, Cartman."

"I know, but I'm the one who's supposed to have the criminal record in this family."

Kate huffed out a groan and headed down the hall.

* * *

Four o'clock came and Kate was at the U-Stor-It. She was ready to smack a bitch—specifically, a blonde bitch who thought the world needed to bow to her.

"Oh, you were serious," Quinn laughed as she strolled up. She looked at the nails on her right hand. "And here I thought you were out to prove girls from South Park _aren't_ violent sluts."

"I'm not a violent slut. You're an attention whore who feels the need to validate herself with rumors and winning _stupid pageants that don't even matter in the long run._ " Quinn gasped, offended.

"TAKE THAT BACK!"

"I _won't_."

Quinn leaped. Unlike their previous encounter at the Little Miss Park County pageant, she managed to grab Kate. Her nails raked down the brunette's arm, leaving deep scratches. Kate punched Quinn in the face, knocking her backwards. Quinn screeched and attacked harder.

"GO, KATE!" Kyle, Stan, and Cartman cheered.

"KILL HER, QUINN!" Craig, Token, and Clyde yelled.

Quinn went for Kate's hair, getting a firm grip as she yanked her to the ground.

 _Bingo._

Kate swung her legs around in a quick motion, making Quinn lose her grip as she hit the ground. She then landed a blow to Quinn's nose with a loud _pop_. Quinn started wailing in pain.

"I GIVE UP! YOU WIN! MY NOSE! MY PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL NOSE!"

"Chill, Drama Queen. I just knocked the cartilage out of place. Any doctor can—"

WHAM!

Kate fell backwards, clutching her now-injured eye. Quinn smirked, blood dripping from her nose as she advanced. Kate tried to fight back, but Quinn landed another blow to Kate's abdomen. The brunette coughed up blood, but managed to land a knockout punch to Quinn's temple.

"HOLY SHIT!" the boys screamed.

"Don't fuck with a Cartman, bitch," Kate wheezed before she passed out.

"Kate!" Kyle yelped. "SOMEBODY CALL 911!"

"I've got it," Kimmy said, appearing suddenly in her column of fire with Kenny.

Within a few minutes, Kate and Quinn were both taken away by the ambulance. Kimmy was a little upset that she hadn't gotten to burn Quinn for hurting her friend, but she was more worried that Kate was hurt.

"Hey, Kimmy, why was Kenny with you?" Kyle asked.

"Um… he was in Hell," Kimmy replied. "That's how I knew him the first day we met. I see him in Hell all the time."

"(Not all the time,)" Kenny corrected.

* * *

The next day, they found out Quinn had gone back to East Park, and that Kate had a black eye. It was obvious to the students that Kate had won the fight, so her supporters got the results of the bets. Kimmy had gone back to Hell and promised to come visit.

"Hey, great job kicking ass," Cartman complimented his sister at home.

"Thanks, Cartman. Sorry about Clyde Frog. I'll make you a new one."

"As long as you promise never to wail on me like you did with Quinn, we're cool."

"I promise."

"KATHERINE! ERIC! WHY DID I GET A CALL ABOUT A FIGHT WITH A GIRL FROM EAST PARK PREP?!" Liane yelled.

"Oh, shit," the siblings said in unison.

* * *

 **Quinn will return again, but it won't be quite like this. I can promise you this. It's also not going to be for a while.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	6. Crappily Ever After

**So this is a chapter I randomly had an idea for. Oh, who am I kidding?** _ **Every chapter**_ **is random. Well, this one involves some supernatural crap while I work on my first chapter that's based off an actual** _ **episode**_ **as well as writing a Christmas. I want to finish this one and then spend the rest of the days leading up to Christmas writing my Christmas chapter. That one… that one features a character I need to work on, and then the episode chapter will be out after New Year's. I'll have plenty of time to work since both my college courses end on Wednesday and I only have three exams besides those. And one of those exams is band. WHOO! BEING A SENIOR RULES!**

 **Anyway, onto the chapter. And before I forget, if you haven't found it yet, you need to read the "New Kid Stories" series by JustCallMeButtlord. There's only two, but they're both good stories. One is "Vaccinations Don't Cause Zombies!" and the other one is "I Need an Adult". Give them a read and support the author! She's better than me…**

 **Also, I got my first negative comment on this story. Thank you, … *checks name,*… Liz. You were a guest, so I couldn't reply to you through PM, but thank you for the feedback. I** _ **know**_ **Kimmy was unlikable. Even the** _ **real**_ **Kimmy said she didn't like her. She's only going to appear from time to time, and her next appearance won't be for a while. Also, I wasn't** _ **trying**_ **to make her part of the show. The Greek mythology chapter was just a thing I did on a whim because the story of Eros and Psyche is my favorite myth and I wanted to include it. It was just something I did for fun, and I know it was a boring chapter. I** _ **know**_ **this story is cringe, because it's something I'm writing for personal entertainment while I'm on my** _ **South Park**_ **kick. At any rate, I don't mind if people leave constructive criticism. Also, please keep your reviews related to the story. No "fuck my ass and call me Fernando" like I've gotten on other stories, okay?**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

South Park, despite its reputation as a 'quiet little mountain town', was anything but. Supernatural forces, celebrities, psychopathic fourth-graders, extremist politicians, and natural disasters plagued the town on a seemingly weekly basis. It would've driven normal people crazy, but the people of South Park weren't normal. An immortal fourth-grader. A kid who forced a high-schooler to eat his own parents. A three-year-old genius. A former Jersey beauty queen with a vindictive streak that could _kill_. The devil's little sister. Some of the stupidest adults in the world.

Despite all this, there were normal days where people just went about their lives and nothing bad happened.

Today was not one of those days.

It started off normal, like most days did. People went about their everyday business: work, school, drinking, drugs… etc. In fact, our 'heroes' were just waiting at the bus stop, waiting to go to school like they normally did. Kate had a book with her, as usual, along with her earbuds in. She was leaning against the sign for the bus while the boys argued.

"I'm just sayin', Jews are confirmed as the _worst_ religion in the world!" Cartman sneered at Kyle. "They killed Jesus!"

"Shut up, Fatass! That doesn't mean _I_ killed Jesus!"

"Stupid Jew. Everyone knows _all_ Jews are descendants of the ones that killed Jesus, so technically, you _did_ kill Jesus. Right, Kate?"

"Huh?" Kate took out one earbud and looked at her brother. "What did you say?"

"Jews killed Jesus. You know that, right?"

"Actually, _Jesus_ was Jewish. The people who crucified him are the Romans, not the Jews, and that was only because they didn't like that people liked him so much."

"WHAT?!"

"It's in the Bible, idiot."

"Huh, I didn't know that," Kyle remarked, his respect for Kate growing.

"Now, can I enjoy my book please?"

"What are you even reading?" Cartman asked.

"Fairy tales."

"We're too old for fairy tales," Stan sighed.

"Not _these_ fairy tales. These are the _originals_ , where there was a lot of rape, murder, and incest."

"The _fuck_?!" all four yelped.

"In the original 'Sleeping Beauty', she got raped by a passing king and gave birth to twins while she was still asleep. She only woke up when one of the babies sucked the splinter out of her finger."

"DUDE!" Cartman gasped. "What about 'The Little Mermaid'? There's _no_ way that includes murder."

"No, but it _does_ involve the sea witch cutting out the mermaid's tongue and the mermaid dying when the prince marries another girl." She smiled as she shut the book. "Fairy tales were originally written for adults, not kids. I love the stories because the magic feels _real_ in them."

"Magic's not real!"

"Maybe to you, but as long as I have fairy tales, it'll be real to me."

"That's… really sweet, Kate," Kyle commented.

"I know, but they're just stories, anyway." She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear as the bus drove up. "It's not like the Evil Queen is going to appear and put a curse on us or something."

"Yeah, good thing, 'cause we'd kick her ass," Cartman agreed.

Little did they know that their little conversation was being watched.

* * *

"So, those little brats think I'm not real?" the Queen asked. "I'll show them!"

"How?" the fairy from 'Sleeping Beauty' asked. "They're not exactly the type to take apples from a stranger or go near a spinning wheel."

"We'll show them. The girl is the one we need to trick. She believes in the magic."

"Oh, _sure_ ," the Sea Witch said sarcastically. "She's smart, so she'll _totally_ be easy to curse."

"That's where we use Glamour," the Queen replied, pulling out a potion. "We'll sneak into her school and curse her somehow."

"An apple!" the Fairy cheered. "We'll give out apples at lunch and ensure she eats it, falling into a death-sleep!"

"Brilliant. Glamours are my thing, anyway," the Sea Witch muttered, rolling her eyes from her giant fishbowl.

"Let's go, ladies." The Evil Queen dipped an apple in the poison, laughing maniacally.

* * *

"…so then, instead of the Wolf _eating_ Red Riding Hood, he sleeps with her _then_ eats her," Cartman finished. Kate gave him an odd look.

"Cartman, that's how the original story goes," she told him in surprise.

"Wait, _really_?!"

"Yes." They moved closer to the lunch line. "There's no Huntsman, either. He only pops up in later interpretations."

"Oh."

"Hello, kids!" a woman with a friendly face greeted them as they approached. "Today, we have something delicious for you!"

"Hey, where's Chef?" Kyle asked.

"He's sick today," the woman replied. "I'm filling in."

"Oh."

"Here!" She put an apple on each of their trays, saving Kate's for last since she was the last in their little line. All five gave her a nervous smile since they had no clue who she was. "Have a nice day, kids!"

"That was weird," Stan commented.

"Yeah, Chef's never sick," Kyle agreed.

"Everyone gets sick from time to time," Kate scoffed. "And there were apples today. I love apples."

"Lemme guess, Snow White actually died from the apple," Cartman teased.

"No, actually, the apple was the _third_ attempt the Queen made to kill Snow White. And it just got caught in her throat."

"I hate your versions."

They all sat down at their table. Kate listened to her brother and his friends argue as she felt something come over her.

 _Eat the apple_.

She blinked, wondering where the voice came from as she unconsciously reached for the apple. She lifted it to her mouth and took a deep bite. She chewed and swallowed. Almost as soon as she did, her eyelids grew heavy and she felt herself losing consciousness.

"Cartman, you—" Kyle yelled, then stopped when he saw Kate's eyes roll back in her head and she fell backward. "Kate!"

She hit the floor, the apple rolling from her hand, a single bite taken from it.

"OH MY GOD!" Cartman screeched, kneeling next to his sister. A bunch of other kids gathered around, confused as to what had just happened.

"What happened?!" Wendy asked Stan.

"I don't know! She just… passed out!" he replied.

"It's like what we were just talking to her about: 'Snow White'!" Kyle informed Wendy.

"B-but that's just a story!"

"No, my dear." They all looked to see the friendly-faced woman grinning menacingly. "You _dared_ deny our existence, so we _cursed_ the one who believed!"

"WAKE UP, KATE!" Cartman shook her like a Magic 8 Ball, trying to bring her back to the land of the living.

"Oh, poor dear. It's the same curse used on my stepdaughter and that stupid little princess."

"She's just asleep!" Bebe sighed in relief.

"All we need to do is find her true love," Butters said matter-of-factly.

"Butters, Kate's been telling us how the stories we know are bullshit all morning!" Cartman snapped. "It's not gonna be that simple!"

"Oh, and just for fun, if you can't break the curse in 72 hours, she'll sleep _forever_!" the woman sneered.

"Shit! I'm so _grounded_!" Cartman whimpered.

"Bye-bye!" The woman vanished as Chef entered the room.

"Hello, children!" he greeted everyone. "What happened?"

"Kate's been cursed!" Kyle told him.

"Cursed? No, children, she's just unconscious. We'd better get her to the hospital."

* * *

At Hell's Pass Hospital, the boys were waiting for the doctor to diagnose Kate. Their parents were with them, all just as nervous.

"Ms. Cartman?" the doctor said, coming out.

"That's me!" Liane replied, standing up. "I'm Ms. Cartman."

"I think you and your son had best come with me."

They followed the doctor down the hall to Kate's room. She was hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor. She looked tiny in her hospital bed, seemingly in a peaceful sleep.

"I've been a doctor for a long time, ma'am. I've never seen a case like this. Usually, with a loss of consciousness, there's a cause. Blows to the head, near-fatal injuries, illness… your daughter is perfectly healthy. It's almost as if… it's magic."

"Yeah, she's _cursed_!" Kyle snapped. "She took a bite out of an apple and fell asleep!"

"Kid, I'm a medical _professional_ , not a wizard. She's not Snow White. Snow White had black hair and red lips."

"That's not the point!"

"I'm afraid all we can do is wait for her to wake up."

"Thank you, Doctor." Liane sat next to her daughter's bed. "Oh, Kate. Why did it have to be _you_?"

"Guys, we _have_ to wake Kate up," Kyle said.

"No _duh_ , asshole!" Cartman snapped.

"We have to break the curse somehow," Stan said, completely ignoring Cartman. "We've only got three days."

"How did they break the curse in the original story?" Cartman asked.

"Kate said the apple got lodged in Snow White's throat and they dislodged it," Kyle said.

"Well, I was shaking her like crazy earlier, so if _that_ didn't get rid of the apple, nothing can."

"Shaking someone doesn't get something out of their throat, Fatass."

"Yes, it _does_ , Kyel."

The boys started trying to find a way to break the curse. They decided to start on the Internet.

"According to this site, the most surefire way to break a curse is to kill the caster," Kyle said.

"But according to the lady who told us about the curse, there was more than one of them," Stan protested. "How can we know who cast the curse?"

"I think it was the one who told us about the curse," Cartman put in. "She seemed like the 'Evil Queen' type."

"So, you think the 'Evil Queen' cursed Kate?"

"Yeah, let's find the bitch and kill her. That seems like the best option."

"Sure, whatever."

* * *

Finding the 'Evil Queen', however, turned out to be a little more complicated than they originally thought. First of all, she had used magic to sneak into the school in the first place, so asking Principal Victoria or Mr. Mackey was a dead end. They didn't even have a _name_ for her other than 'Evil Queen'. It made finding a lead _increasingly_ difficult, and they were on a massive time crunch. They could practically _feel_ Kate's death looming over their heads.

"It's no use," Kyle sighed. "We can't find her, and there's only a few hours left until Kate… dies."

"HEY, BITCH-WITCH!" yelled Cartman. "WE WANNA TALK TO YOU!"

"Cartman, that's not gonna work," Stan groaned. "I highly doubt she's going to listen to a pissed-off brother of someone she cursed."

"And killing her might not even work," Kyle added. "Let's just… go to the hospital and pay our respects."

The four went into Kate's hospital room. Liane had left to get some clothes from home and there weren't any nurses or doctors in the room, so it was just them and Kate. She looked paler every time they saw her. With only a couple hours left, she was going to sleep forever.

"Hey, Kate," Cartman greeted her. "It's me, Cartman. I guess I'll miss you. I haven't known you that long, but you're a great sister, even if you scare the shit out of me a lot of the time."

Suddenly, Kate sat up, her eyes wide open.

"KATE?!" Kyle yelped. She began gasping for air as she fell back on the bed. He realized _she wasn't breathing_. "SHIT!"

"What's wrong?!" Stan asked.

"SHE'S NOT BREATHING!" Kyle began doing chest compressions: 30 in a row. When that didn't work, he pinched her nose and began doing mouth-to-mouth. A golden light filled the room, scaring him so bad he fell backwards.

When the light faded, Kate coughed and her eyes fluttered open. She sat up, looking extremely confused.

"G-guys?" she said. "What happened…?"

"KATE'S ALIVE!" Cartman cheered.

"Seriously, what the fuck happened?!"

"(The Evil Queen and a cursed apple,)" Kenny replied.

"B-but, how did you guys break the curse?! It doesn't make sense!"

"We don't know," Stan told her. "You stopped breathing and Kyle started giving you CPR, then this bright light filled the room and you woke up like nothing ever happened."

"Weird…" Cartman mused. "Maybe there was some truth to the whole 'true love's kiss' thing, in which case… FUCK YOU, KYEL!"

"What?! What did I do?!"

"YOU'RE GONNA CORRUPT MY SISTER!"

"OH, LIKE LIVING WITH _YOU_ WON'T DO THAT?!"

"Guys, shut up," Kate sighed in frustration. "The important thing is that the curse is broken, and we're fine."

"DAMMIT!"

The 'Evil Queen' entered the room and narrowed her eyes at the boys.

"I was _hoping_ you wouldn't find the cure…"

"You're a sick, twisted lady!" Kate snapped, grabbing something off the bedside table. It was a glass of water. She tossed it onto her and the 'Evil Queen' began melting like the Wicked Witch of the West.

"NOOO, I'M MEEELLLTING!" she howled. "WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD…"

She became a sickly black puddle on the floor, the glass lying there, shattered. All four looked at it in disgust. Suddenly, the door flew open as the doctor ran in and saw Kate sitting up, awake.

"I-I don't believe it," he murmured. "You're awake!" He stuck his head into the hallway. "HEY! THIS KID'S AWAKE!"

* * *

Within a few hours, Kate was able to go home.

"I can't believe I woke Kate up like that," Kyle told Stan. "It was _bullcrap_ , about the 'true love's kiss' thing."

"Well, the 'Evil Queen' turned out to be real, so why not true love's kiss?"

Kyle stopped short.

"What the fuck?!"

* * *

 **Yeah, the whole 'CPR becomes true love's kiss' thing was actually inspired by the season 4 finale of** _ **Ever After High**_ **. Spoiler: Apple White's true love isn't a prince. It's a princess.**

 **Also, as of me posting this chapter, I'm officially an adult! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! *blows noisemaker***

 **Anyway, like I said, this story is for personal entertainment. That being said…**

 **If you have an episode you want me to add Kate into, please request it in the reviews. I will only take episodes where they are in fourth grade, excluding "Cancelled", because I see no possible way I can add Kate into that episode. I will still do original chapters; I just want to try to add her to actual episodes, okay? The first one is coming up, but I want suggestions so I can know what you guys want to see!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	7. Merry Christmas!

**Merry early Christmas!**

* * *

Kate had never had a normal Christmas. Even before her birth parents separated when she was five, Christmas hadn't been good. Her mother took her out of the house and to a diner every year, where she'd get one or two presents. Despite her family being financially well-off, her father hadn't cared enough to buy his only child presents or even a tree. It had stayed the same once Kate and Lisa had left New Jersey: stopping at a local diner and giving presents. It was the norm; it was what Kate _expected_.

This year, however, was different.

This year, Kate had a stable family that loved Christmas.

This year, she didn't have to feel guilty she didn't get her mother a present because she couldn't go shopping by herself.

No, this year, Kate could have a nice Christmas. She was excited to be able to have a Christmas tree and shop for presents for other people. She was going to bake cookies, watch Christmas specials, and sing carols. She'd get to open presents in a living room instead of in a crowded Denny's. She'd get to wear her pajamas without a winter coat over them. No Lisa, no Mike, no bad things this year.

Oh, who are we kidding? It's South Park on Christmas. _Something_ bad is going to happen.

* * *

Our Christmas tale begins a week before Christmas, as the winter snow fell around the school on the last day before winter break. Mr. Garrison's class was having their class Christmas party before school let out. Kate, being so gung-ho about Christmas this year, had made peppermint fudge and handed it out to all her classmates except Cartman, who decided to tease Kate and Kyle about the 'true love's kiss' thing that had happened a couple weeks earlier by hanging mistletoe above their heads while they were talking. _That_ ended with Kate decking him in the jaw and withholding his share of fudge.

"Owie, _Kaaate_!" he whined. "Give me some fudge and I won't tell Mom!"

"Shut up. I'll tell her it was _your_ fault for teasing me."

"Well, it was _funny_."

"No, it wasn't." Her cheeks were almost the same color as the Rudolph nose Butters was wearing.

"Is _somebody_ falling for the J—" Kate shoved Cartman into Heidi Turner in embarrassment. Heidi yelped and glared at Cartman.

"Shut up and leave her alone, Fatass!" Kyle snapped, blushing just as hard.

"Okay, children," Mr. Garrison announced. "The bell will ring in just a minute. I want you to all go out and have a fun Christmas, but we're going right back to work once break is—"

 _BRRRINNNG!_

"YAY!" all the kids yelled, running out the door. Our 'heroes' got on the bus and started heading towards home. Kate was sitting by the window, her mood still high and happy from the excitement over the holidays. Her eyes scanned the streets as they went by, and her good mood faded at a stoplight as she caught sight of a man on the corner.

He was tall and solidly-built, his skin tanned and his hair gelled. Despite his winter clothing, Kate knew it was him. She'd know him anywhere.

For a moment, they locked eyes and he gave her a smirk as the light changed and the bus surged forwards.

* * *

The next afternoon, Kate was lying on her bed, holding the handgun she'd only touched to clean for the past four months. She contemplated just putting a bullet between his eyes; she was a good shot, after all.

No. That would only lead to more death.

She'd think of something else.

She put the gun back in the jewelry box and shut it, leaving it unlocked for later.

"Kate!"

She shut the box in her drawer just as the door opened and Liane poked her head in.

"The boys are going skating," she told her adopted daughter. "Kyle asked if you were coming along."

"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute."

"I got you a pair of skates." Liane held out the box. "I bought them right after the adoption went through. I hoped you'd want to go skating with your brother."

"Thank you, Mom." Kate gave her a tight hug, as if she was afraid she might die.

"Go on and play with your friends."

"I will. I love you, Mom!"

Kate rushed down the stairs, throwing on her coat and taking the skates out of the box. Cartman glared as if she was the reason they would be late.

"Just like a girl—taking _forever_ to get ready!" he sniffed.

"Shut up, Fuck Trash," she snapped. "I _just_ found out about this two minutes ago."

"Let's go!" Stan cheered.

As they left the house, Kate caught sight of the man watching her again. She shuddered but ran to keep up with the boys. Kenny noticed her odd behavior but decided to ignore it in favor of winter fun.

* * *

Kate stared at the skates on her feet. She'd never been skating before, and she'd thought it'd come to her once she'd gotten the skates on, but… nothing.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kyle asked.

"I… don't know how to skate," she admitted.

"It's easy. C'mon." He took her hand in his and pulled her onto the ice. She slipped with a yelp and hung onto him. "Just put your skates so the blades are straight."

"Okay…"

"Keep them like that to go faster, and turn them inwards to slow down."

"Got it."

"Hold onto me until you feel like you can do it on your own."

Kate held onto him for a few minutes before she skated around by herself, figuring Kyle would prefer to join the impromptu hockey game that had started up on one side of the pond. She was happily going along until she saw the man by the edge of the pond, waving at her. He was smirking like he had the day before. Kate lost her balance and crashed into Butters.

"H-hey, Kate!" he greeted her before noticing her panicked expression. He followed her gaze to the man that was walking away. "Who was that? What's wrong?!"

"N-nothing. I'm going home!" she squeaked, stumbling to the edge of the pond and taking off her skates. He tilted his head in confusion before skating over to Cartman and the others, who were watching Kate run towards town.

"Do you fellas know what's up with Kate?" he asked.

"No, what happened?" Kyle replied.

"She saw some fella with gelled-up hair and freaked out. I-I think she's _scared_ of him."

"Kate, scared?!" laughed Cartman. "That's _hilarious_! We're talking about the girl who can seriously _maim_ a prep-school girl and get off scot-free. She can burn a stuffed animal and come out of a coma like it's _nothing_!"

"Everyone's afraid of something," Stan sighed. "I guess that guy's just one of them."

* * *

When they got back to Cartman's for some hot cocoa, Kate wasn't home. According to Liane, she'd taken off for Wendy's to hang out for the rest of the afternoon. Not five minutes later, there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Liane sang, opening the door to see a man on the doorstep. He was tall and solidly built, with too-tan skin and over-gelled hair. He smirked at her.

"Liane Cartman?" he asked. Cartman watched as his mother eyed the man suspiciously.

"Yes, who are you?"

"My name's Mike Silverton. You adopted a girl recently, right? Katherine?"

"Yes, but you need to leave. She's not here and you can't see her."

"You know who I am?"

"I know your name, not your face. You need to leave, _now_."

The boys looked at her in confusion.

"You know why I'm here. Let me see Katherine."

"The answer is _no_."

"I'll be back later, and you _will_ let me see her."

"I'll burn in Hell first."

She slammed the door behind him as he left, fuming with anger.

"Who was that?" Cartman asked.

"The reason Kate lives with us instead of her mother," Liane replied. "He's someone I want nowhere near _any_ of you."

"We'd better call Wendy and warn her not to let that guy in," Kyle told Stan.

"Got it." Stan hit Wendy's name in his contacts and called. She picked up within a couple rings.

" _Hey, Stan!_ " she greeted him.

"Hey, Wendy. Listen, there's this creepy guy in the neighborhood and he's after Kate. Could you tell her not to go outside alone? I know she's hanging out with you."

" _What are you talking about? Kate's not here. I haven't seen her all day._ "

"She's not there? She told her mom she was going to hang out with you."

" _No, sorry, but if this guy's so bad, you need to find her_."

"We will! Thanks, Wendy!"

Stan hung up and turned to the guys, who were staring in shock.

* * *

A few hours later, Kate entered the house, shaking snow from her boots and carrying her purple backpack. Cartman tackled her to the ground, shoving chloroform in her face to knock her out. She lost consciousness and woke up in the basement tied to a chair with a gag in her mouth.

She faced a serious-looking Cartman, who was accompanied by Stan, Kenny, Kyle, and Butters.

"We met someone interesting today, Kate," he replied. "A man by the name of Mike Silverton." Kate's eyes widened. "He claimed to know you and he wanted to see you. What was _suspicious_ is that our mother, the woman who is one of the kindest people in South Park, treated him like a leper. She yelled at him to go away and never come back, that she'd burn in Hell before she'd let him see you. Who is he?" Kate couldn't answer, so she sounded like a bundled-up Kenny. "Search her backpack!"

Butters unzipped Kate's backpack and pulled out a few things: a book, a blanket, her phone and earbuds, and… a handgun.

"Oh, _jeez_!" he yelped, dropping the weapon.

"Ungag her!" Cartman ordered Kenny, who took the cloth out of Kate's mouth. She bit his hand and he screamed in pain.

"FUCK YOU!" she spat. "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO _KIDNAP_ ME TO FIND OUT THE ANSWERS! YOU COULD'VE JUST _ASKED_!"

"We all know you would've evaded answering, so we had no choice."

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

" _Everything_. How you know Mike. Why there's a gun in your backpack. Why you came to South Park."

"Fine. You want my story, I'll tell you.

"I was born in a small town in New Jersey to Lisa and Mike Silverton. Lisa was a kind and loving mother, while Mike was an abusive asshole. He hit my mom, and when she wasn't around, he hit me. She tried not to leave me alone with him, but sometimes, she had no choice. After he almost killed me when I was five, my mom snapped and got me out of New Jersey. I spent four years on the road with her, Mike right behind us until she sent me to live with her old friend, Liane.

"The gun was a gift from Mike on my fourth birthday. He claimed it was a practical gift, and my mom held onto it when we left for our protection. I've never fired it, and I only want to use it once: to put a bullet between Mike's eyes and end this whole thing."

She finished her story and the boys were staring at her, open-mouthed.

"No _wonder_ your mom refused to let him see you," Kyle choked out, untying her arms. She flexed her fingers before curling them into a fist and popping Cartman in the nose.

"OW! SHIT!"

" _That's_ for kidnapping me!" she snapped.

"So, are you going to kill him?" Stan asked, ignoring Cartman's whining.

"Not yet. He's just being a creeper right now, so I don't have any reason to kill him besides this." She lifted the hem of her shirt to reveal a scar that was long and thin. "This is where he stabbed me. If my birth mom hadn't come home, I might not have made it."

"Jesus _Christ_."

"If he messes with you guys, let me know and I'll kill him."

* * *

The following afternoon, the guys went looking for Mike. They thought if they found him, they could get him to leave Kate alone. Little did they know that Mike wanted to find _them_ , too. They managed to 'track' him to an old abandoned warehouse, where they found themselves trapped.

"Hello, boys," Mike greeted them as the door locked.

"Leave Kate alone!" Kyle declared, sending her a low-key text that said, 'Warehouse at 32 Elm'.

"You mean _Katherine_."

"Her name is Kate, dumbass," Cartman sighed in exasperation.

"She's _my_ daughter; I can call her what I want. If I want to call her a stupid little whore with a Jew-fag boy-toy, I can."

"HEY! ONLY _I'M_ ALLOWED TO CALL HIM A JEW-FAG!"

"Thanks, Cartman," Kyle muttered sarcastically.

"I love my daughter—"

"Yeah, that's why you tried to _kill her_!" snapped Stan.

"My daughter was a bitch! I was just trying to discipline her! Ugh! Fuck you kids!" He pulled out a gun and aimed it at the boys. "Who first?!"

Suddenly, a gunshot rang out and Mike clutched his thigh, which was bleeding profusely. Kate stepped out of the shadows holding her gun, a determined and defiant grin on her face.

"The next one goes through your skull if you don't get the fuck out of here," she threatened in her calm voice that told the boys she was about to get _violent_.

"KATE!" the boys cheered.

"You… little… whore…"

"What else? I'm _exactly_ like my mother?! GOOD! I _want_ to be like my mother, both of them! Strong women who don't take shit from fuckers like _you_!"

"Fuck you, you little bitch!" Mike fired the gun and it ricocheted off a pipe behind Kate. It hit a few more pipes before it hit Kenny in the head, killing him instantly.

"OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY!" Stan gasped.

"YOU _BASTARD_!" Kyle added.

Cartman and Kate used Mike's distracted state to tag-team-tackle him to the floor. Kate managed to kick Mike's gun over to Kyle, who picked it up and pointed it at the man. Cartman used some rope from a crate nearby and tied his arms and legs together.

"You _brats_!" Mike yelled. "I'll _kill_ all of you!"

"No, you won't," Kate replied. "You won't hurt me or my birth mother ever again!"

Sirens sounded in the distance. Kate had her foot on Mike's throat with her gun to his head, nothing but frozen contempt for the man below her in her eyes. All four living males in the room were afraid of her in that moment.

Within minutes, several officers arrived and arrested Mike.

"You have the right to remain silent," one of the officers recited. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney…"

* * *

On Christmas morning, Kate and Cartman eagerly opened their Christmas presents. Liane handed Kate the newspaper, which read 'Murderer, abuser, and rapist behind bars!'. Kate smiled because her father had finally been brought to justice. As she helped Liane throw away the last of the wrapping paper, there was a knock at the door. Cartman opened it himself for once and found a woman with light brown hair on the doorstep.

"Hello," she greeted him. "Is Liane home?"

"MOM! SOME LADY'S HERE FOR YOU!" Cartman announced. Liane gasped.

" _Lisa_?!" she squealed.

"Mommy!" Kate yelled, running into the woman's arms.

"Come in!" Liane invited.

"I'm not staying long," Lisa laughed as her daughter clung to her jacket. "I just came to hand you these." She held out a manila envelope. "It's Kate's birth certificate, vaccination records, and medical history, along with the official adoption certificate."

"You mean I'm staying here?" Kate asked in confusion.

"Yes. You're happier and safer here than you _ever_ were with me. I think living here is good for you."

"It is." She smiled. "Will I see you?"

"I moved into my parents' old house not too far away as soon as I heard Mike had been arrested, so yes, you'll see me."

"Yay!" Kate threw her arms in the air in joy. "THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!"

* * *

 **So that concludes my first Christmas anything!**

 **As far as suggestions go, I've gotten six suggestions for episodes to include Kate in so far. They are:**

 **Raisins**

 **You Got F'd in the A**

 **Stupid Spoiled Whore**

 **South Park is Gay!**

 **Medicinal Fried Chicken**

 **Coon and Friends**

 **If you like any of these episodes and think adding Kate would be a good idea, let me know so I can do that. The next chapter will be up in a couple weeks.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	8. Melodyshock: Sister of the Coon

**Originally, my first chapter that was based off an actual** _ **episode**_ **was going to be based around my favorite episode of the series, "It's a Jersey Thing". I tried to write it, but it's proven to be a difficult episode to add a second Jersey kid into, particularly given Cartman's hatred of people from Jersey. That's why original chapters will be out more quickly than ones that are either based off episodes or holiday specials. Chapters based off episodes will require many viewings of the episode in question as I write the chapter in order to get the plot right. I'll be doing more specials as time goes by, like a Valentine's Day special and maybe even an Easter one, but this is what we have for now. That being said, this isn't based off "It's a Jersey Thing".**

 **No, instead, I let the comments choose the first episode I adapt. It appears that the episode you guys** _ **really**_ **want to see—excuse me, episode** _ **s**_ **—are the 'Coon and Friends' arc. Yay! Seriously!**

 **I'm going to change it up a bit, of course, with Kate in the picture. This chapter will sort of be an original chapter while being a non-canon follow-up to 'The Coon'. She, of course,** _ **knows**_ **Cartman is the Coon because Katherine Marie Cartman isn't oblivious, an idiot, or an oblivious idiot, like Eric Theodore Cartman.**

 **Kate: Aw, thanks, Katie!**

 **Cartman: SHUT UP!**

 **Anyway, this chapter is setting up Melodyshock (Kate's) backstory, as well as her relationship with Mysterion. He knows who she is, but she doesn't know who** _ **he**_ **is, and that makes his crush on her worse. Yes, both Kenny and Kyle have crushes on Kate. This will factor into a later chapter, most likely the Valentine's special which will involve a Sadie Hawkin's dance of some kind.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

 _In South Park, Colorado, there lives some of the dumbest people you will ever meet. I've travelled quite a bit in my nine years of life, and the adults of South Park are the least intelligent adults I've come across. Most places have dumb adults, but in South Park, dumb is a dangerous combination with alcohol, drugs, and sex. An abortion clinic is one of the most profitable businesses in town. Drug dealers walk free on the streets and the children of meth-heads go to my school. Drunken parties at night aren't thrown by high schoolers or college students; they're thrown by the people who are supposed to be the responsible ones._

 _I've only lived here a short time, but I knew I needed to help out._

 _My name is Melodyshock, and I'm a superhero._

 _By day, I'm a normal fourth grade girl. I go to school, argue with my brother and my friends, and daydream about the boy I like. By night, I become the musically-charged superhero the town needs. I partner with Mysterion, who welcomes me as his sidekick as long as I don't betray him like the Coon did. I can stun our opponents while he takes them down. Of course, I don't know who he is. He seems to like me, though, and I think he's figured out who I am…_

* * *

Kate blew on her bare fingers in the chilly night.

 _Note: add gloves to your costume, dumbass._

"You okay?" Mysterion asked in his gravelly tone.

"Y-yeah. I just need to add gloves to my costume," she replied. "It's fucking cold out here."

"Nobody said this job would be cushy." He sighed and shook his head. "You can go home if you want, Princess."

"And leave you to do this alone? No way." She gave him a smile and he gave a tiny one back.

"You know, being a superhero isn't all fun and games, especially if you actually have a superpower like me and you."

"I have a superpower?" She sounded genuinely surprised.

"You stay positive in a town that doesn't seem anything but negative. Your knowledge of music and its different effects is unmatched. I'd say those are _both_ superpowers."

They both thanked the darkness for hiding their intense blushes.

"Thanks, Mysterion." She bit her lip as she rubbed her hands together. "Yep, definitely adding gloves for tomorrow night."

"The streets look fine. The criminals must've gone to bed. We should, too."

"Yeah. See you tomorrow, Mysterion."

"Bye…" he replied, his voice trailing off as she walked away and vanished around a corner. "…Kate."

* * *

I walked home alone, making sure nobody could see me. Home isn't exactly my favorite place, but it's where my favorite person is, so I made sure to keep her safe. Karen is _always_ my top priority.

Yeah, I'm Kenny McCormick, AKA Mysterion. I'm just your average fourth-grader, except for two things.

One, I work as a superhero by night.

Two, I'm immortal.

I don't know _why_ I'm immortal. I've died countless times, only to wake up in my bed the next morning like nothing happened. I've seen Heaven, I've seen Hell, and I've seen what happens after each of my deaths. Only certain people seem to recall me having ever died, and they're either part of Satan's family or Cartman.

I don't tell anybody about my burden, because I know they won't believe me.

At least, until Kate Cartman.

When she arrived in South Park, I had the same opinion of her everyone else did: a too-sweet, fresh face that our town would chew up and spit out in a matter of weeks. She quickly proved us wrong, because under that sweet face lurked a girl who didn't take shit from anybody. She was the type of girl who thought on her feet and knew how dark and twisted the world could be. She, like everyone else in our town, had physical, mental, and emotional scars. Hers ran deep, but she tried not to let it show. I admired that, especially once she started going out at night as Melodyshock. Yes, I know her true identity. She can wear a mask, but she can never cover up some things, like her freckles, her green eyes, and her strength.

When she first became my partner, she wasn't like The Coon—I mean, Cartman. She actually cared about the city and stopping crime. Despite this, I can't tell her who I am. She and I are really good friends as Kenny and Kate, and a well-oiled machine as Mysterion and Melodyshock. Knowing my identity would destroy both of those things.

* * *

Cartman narrowed his eyes in frustration as he took the newspaper inside. The headline read, "MYSTERION AND MELODYSHOCK: WHO ARE BEHIND THE MASKS?"

"This isn't _fair_!" he whined to Kate, who was sitting at the kitchen table.

" _What_ isn't fair?" Kate asked, looking up from her book.

"Mysterion and Melodyshock get all the glory as superheroes, while _nobody_ talks about the Coon! He's _just as good_ as them!"

"Well, the Coon doesn't exactly _protect_ _the city_ like they do," she pointed out. "He's more in it for the fame and glory; they're in it to keep the peace."

"How do _you_ know that?! The Coon was here first!"

"Because I _read_ , dumbass, and the Coon is nothing but an attention-whore who mongers his merchandise to become famous. He doesn't actually _do_ shit."

"Fuck you! The Coon is the best! Mysterion and Melodyshock are probably just a couple of kids who make out instead of actually fighting crime!"

"My God, you brat. I know you're the Coon, and if you want attention, either start doing good or start up a superhero team!" She slammed her book shut ( _All I Need_ by Susane Colasanti) and started heading up to her room. Cartman's eyes widened and he grabbed her arm.

"Wait! Are you Melodyshock?!" he gasped.

"And if I am?"

"Then you need to stop being a superhero!"

"Why? Mysterion trusts me as his—"

"His girlfriend and sidekick?"

"His partner. His _professional_ partner. There's nothing between us and there probably never _will be_."

"You need to stop being a superhero because that's _my_ thing!"

"How about you stop being a dick and leave me alone?"

"Because I'll tell everyone you're Melodyshock and you won't be able to work with Mysterion anymore."

"If you do, I'll ruin the 'mystery' of the Coon for everybody. You keep _my_ identity secret, I keep _yours_. Deal?"

"Fine." He released her arm. "Stay out of my way, bitch, or I'll make you pay."

"You got it, you fat asshole."

"But seriously, is Kyle Mysterion?"

"No, Mysterion has blue eyes. Kyle's are brown."

"Oh. Hmm…"

* * *

As I sat on the rooftop with Kate, watching for trouble, I let my more perverted side of my personality—the Kenny side—shine through. I looked her up and down out of the corner of my eye. For a nine-year-old, she was really pretty. Her costume didn't show it, though—a violet mask with a lavender top and a skirt that matched the mask, Bluetooth speakers attached to her belt at her sides, front, and back, and the most recent addition, violet gloves.

"Mysterion, my brother figured out who I am," she said out of the blue.

"He did?" I asked, disguising my voice.

"Yeah. He threatened to tell everybody, but I threatened to spill _his_ secret if he didn't keep his damn mouth shut."

"Good job." I let out a raspy laugh. "He sounds like an asshole."

"He is, but… he's my brother. You'd be surprised how much he cares when he wants to, especially if you go to our school like he claims you do."

"What school?"

"South Park Elementary."

Before I could reply, there was a loud crash nearby, along with the sound of a woman screaming.

"Rapist?" Kate asked, preparing for the jump down.

"Possibly. More likely a burglar or mugger."

"Good to know. I'm thinking death metal or Justin Beiber."

"Go death metal."

I wanted to tell her, in that moment, who I was, but I couldn't. We just took down the burglar and resumed our watch. One day, I was going to tell her.

* * *

"Hey, Mysterion?" Kate asked me later that night. "I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Are you into me?" I choked on my own spit.

"Wh-why?!"

"I dunno. Before my brother figured it out, he said we were probably making out all the time instead of fighting crime. I thought it might be something one of us did, or maybe my brother was just being his dumbass self." I took a deep breath.

"Yeah. I do like you. As Mysterion… and as my civilian self."

"Wait, you know who I am?!"

"Yeah. It's your eyes and your strength. Nobody else has either of them." She stared at me with a surprised smile. "And your freckles."

She laughed and punched my shoulder.

"Well, who am I, then?"

"You're Kate Cartman. A fighter and a survivor." She tilted her head and looked deep into my eyes, to the point where I was uncomfortable. I wiped a bit of sweat from under my mask, giving her a sheepish look.

"…Kenny?" she whispered.

"Damn. Didn't take you long."

"I was pretty sure it was you, but I didn't say anything to be safe. Besides, I've never seen you without a mask or a hood, so I have no idea what you look like."

I made sure there wasn't anybody else around before I pulled my mask and cloak off to reveal my messy blonde hair. Her mouth dropped open as she was shocked into silence.

"…Kate, you alive?" I asked in my normal voice.

"Y-you're… damn. Hot damn, Kenny. You're just… damn."

"I thought you had a way with words."

"You're hot, okay?" She covered her face with her hands. "Ugh… sorry. Your voice is cute, too. You'd have girls all over you at school if you kept your hood off."

"I would?" Gears started turning in my brain.

"But… I wouldn't mind if you kept this just between us."

"No telling Cartman." I put my mask and cloak back on.

"Speaking of Cartman, I had an idea. We can start a superhero team to satiate his desire for fame and get him off our asses."

"How will _that_ get him off our asses?"

"Think about it. He'll focus on the team and not us, and we can take down crime by night."

"You might have a point, Kate."

"Thanks." She checked her phone. "Shit. Gotta go home."

"I'll see you at the bus stop."

"Not if I see you first!" She jumped down and sent me a little wave.

I waved back.

* * *

 **My version of the origin of Coon and Friends. This chapter was mainly setting things up for the next three chapters: 'Coon 2: Hindsight', 'Mysterion Rises', and 'Coon VS Coon and Friends'. I hope you all don't mind, but I found Kate and Kenny more important to set up for those chapters. Cartman can go fuck himself.**

 **Also, yes, I think Kenny is hot. Sue me.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	9. Romantic Entanglement

**I know I promised the next chapter would be 'Coon 2: Hindsight', but something came up and I can't get that chapter out quite yet. I also wanted to write some Kate and Kenny fluff now that they know they're friends by day and crime-fighting-partners by night. I also wanted to throw in Kyle finding out his rival for Kate's affections is one of his closest friends. I'm a sucker for romantic rivalries, so making Kate the center of a love triangle was bound to happen with so many of her friends being single guys. Stan doesn't count; I will ship him with Wendy forever and you can't stop me.**

 **This is just a fluff chapter. Nothing crazy, just slice-of-life and prep for the Coon arc.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

The morning after that fateful patrol, I was waiting for Kate at the bus stop. I'd texted her to get there early so we could talk without the others nearby. Since she knew my identity and we had the plan to get Cartman off our asses, I wanted to discuss it with her. She always got up before Cartman, even on days after patrol. She said it's because he's a lazy fatass who can't be bothered to do the most basic of daily tasks: getting out of bed.

"Hey, Kenny!" she greeted me as she walked up.

"(Hi, Princess,)" I replied, waving.

"Oh, so the 'Princess' thing is permanent now?"

"(Yep.)"

"Cute. I'm not really a princess, though."

"(You're pretty like one.)" My cheeks burned as that little gem slipped out. Hers turned the same color, though for her, it might've been from the cold.

"A-anyway, onto the superhero team… we need to invite other people to join. It can't be just us and the Coon; that's like having just Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman in the Justice League."

"(Yep. Who should we ask?)"

"I'm sure Kyle and Stan will join, if only to shut Cartman up. I can probably convince Token and Clyde, too."

"(What about Timmy or Jimmy?)"

"That shouldn't be too hard. You can talk to them."

"What are you guys talking about?" Kyle asked as he walked up.

"Oh, we're discussing how to get Cartman off his little Coon power trip," Kate told him smoothly.

"Good idea. What's your plan?"

"We give him a superhero team, like the Avengers or the Justice League. That way, he _has_ to work with them to get anything done, and he'll get bored and leave the _real_ crime-fighting to Mysterion and Melodyshock."

"That's… not a bad plan. Count me in."

"Sure. What's your superhero name?"

"Um…" Kyle tapped his chin. "Maybe… Human Kite. I can fly and I have laser eyes."

"Cool. We don't have a superhero who can fly."

"What about you two?"

"(Us?)" I repeated.

"Well, I _know_ who you are, Kenny, but what about Kate?" Kate stared at the ground and I could practically hear the click in Kyle's brain as he put two and two together. "Whoa. Wait, Kate is Melodyshock?!"

"Yeah," Kate admitted. "I just found out about Kenny last night on patrol."

"(Yep,)" I confirmed.

"Wow. I only knew because he told me when I got arrested as Mysterion."

" _What?!_ " Kate gasped.

"He asked me for a favor and I helped him out. I didn't _want_ to get arrested."

"Kenny, I will murder you if you make somebody else take the fall as Mysterion again. And I'll do it multiple times with Dubstep, Justin Beiber, death metal, and any other loud, obnoxious brand of music."

"(Okay. I'll take that seriously.)"

I'm immortal, and Kate knows that. She might not have remembered either of my deaths since she began living in South Park (one by Quinn Hart snapping my neck with a heavy textbook by accident, the other her father shooting me in the face), but she believed me about my powers and that's enough. I hoped to tell her more about how I thought my powers worked, but keeping Cartman off our asses was top priority for now.

"We should ask Stan, too," Kate told Kyle. "He might join up."

"Join what?" Stan inquired, tilting his head as he arrived.

"We're making a superhero team so Fatass will leave the real heroes alone," Kyle explained. "I'm Human Kite."

"I'm Melodyshock," Kate added.

"(And I'm Mysterion,)" I finished.

"Whoa, wait, Kenny and Kate are Mysterion and Melodyshock?!" Stan yelped. Kate covered his mouth with her hand.

" _Shut up_!" she hissed. " _Do you want us to get arrested?!_ " He sighed and moved her hand.

"Sorry, Kate, but it's just a little hard to believe."

"I know, but just try to bear with us. So, you on the team?"

"Sure. Why not? Maybe I can use my dad's tools."

"Dude, you'd be like a toolshed!" laughed Kyle.

"Toolshed… that's my hero name. I'm a gadget guy."

We all started laughing as Cartman sauntered up. He shot Kate a look of triumph that plainly said 'I know your secret and I'm going to hold it over your head forever'.

"Hey, Cartman!" Kate greeted him.

"S'up, sis?" he replied. "Hear any good _music_ lately?"

"Stop it," Kyle sighed. "We already know she's Melodyshock."

"Dammit! She told you?!"

"Yeah, and she invited us to join a new superhero team."

"A superhero team?" Cartman tapped his chin. "I want in, but it has to be called 'Coon and Friends'. I'm in charge."

"You got it," Kate replied, winking at me.

"And we have to get Mysterion to join. Kate, you get on that since Mysterion obviously has a massive boner for you." Kate turned bright pink and I covered my face.

"(I'll join,)" I said.

"Dude, no offense, Kinney, but you don't _have_ a superhero persona."

"(Yes, I do, fucker. I'm Mysterion.)"

"WHAT?! NO FUCKING WAY!" He thought for a second and his expression morphed from shock to anger. "YOU'RE CORRUPTING MY SISTER! I'M GONNA—"

He was cut off by Kate slamming her book ( _So Much Closer_ by Susane Colasanti) into the back of his head.

"OW, KATE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"He's not 'corrupting' me. We've been nothing but professional since we teamed up."

"But Kinney's a pervert! Ask him about his magazines!"

Shit. Low blow, fatass. Kate turned to look at me in confusion.

"What magazines?" she asked.

"(I'll explain on patrol,)" I assured her.

"Don't get your poor-people germs on her, Kenny. I don't want her to come home with an STD."

"(What do you think we do, fat fuck?!)" I snapped.

Before Cartman could answer, the bus pulled up. We got on and I sat next to Kate instead of Cartman. I was still pretty pissed at him for insinuating that I was only partnering with Kate because I liked her. That was part of the reason, but still, dick move, bro.

* * *

"I'll go talk to Clyde and Token," I heard Kate offer to Kenny. "You handle Timmy and Bradley."

"(Okay, Princess,)" Kenny replied, walking away from her.

I couldn't believe Kate and Kenny were so close all of a sudden. First, they're the superhero team that's been protecting our town for _weeks_ now, and he's calling her 'Princess'? Is that normal when they're superheroes?

Yeah, I was a tiny bit jealous. Kate was a super-nice girl who didn't care about fashion, makeup, and boys the way the other girls did. The girliest things I'd seen her do had been a beauty pageant and the constant stream of romance novels that made their way through her hands. I flipped through a couple of them; they're pretty generous with details.

Anyway, I guess you could say I had a crush on her. How could I not? She was pretty, smart, sweet, and tough. She could beat up on Cartman or a beauty queen like it was nothing. I admired her spirit and the way she didn't make fun of other people (except Cartman, but that was a given). I knew I wasn't the only boy in our class who liked her, but I didn't know Kenny liked her, too. I wondered if I still had a chance.

"Hey, Kenny!" I greeted him, running up behind him.

"(Hey, Kyle!)" he replied.

"So, you and Kate, huh?"

"(Yeah, I think she likes me, but I'm not sure. I showed her my face and she said I was hot. And that my voice was cute.)"

Shit. She was into him.

"Well, you know, Kenny, I like her, too."

"(That's why I haven't asked her out yet. I want to give you a chance.)"

"Thanks, dude."

"(No problem. Now I need to go talk to Timmy and Bradley.)"

He disappeared down the hall as I contemplated what he'd said. He was giving me a chance to ask Kate out before he did? Jeez, he was a good friend. I was going to ask Kate to the Valentine's Dance. We all knew it was coming; none of us knew when, but I was going to ask her. If she turned me down, I'd encourage Kenny to date her. Yeah, that's what a good friend did.

* * *

Of course Token and Clyde accepted my offer. They both came up with pretty good superhero titles: TupperWear and Mosquito. They agreed to meet in our basement that weekend in their costumes. Kenny got Timmy to come, too, so that left me and Cartman to get everything set up. He was designing the base while I was in charge of snacks. I was excited to be part of the team, if only to get Cartman to stop bugging me for being a superhero.

That weekend, everyone was there by 10. Mom and I had made cookies and punch, which I'd carried down to the basement with Kenny's help. Unfortunately, I hadn't gotten a chance to look at the base. The table in the center only had eight chairs, not nine. I double-counted to be sure, but nope. There were eight chairs and nine superheroes.

"Uh, Cartman," I spoke up. "There's only eight chairs. There's nine heroes in our team."

"No, there's eight," he replied matter-of-factly. "There's only eight heroes in our team: the Coon, Mysterion, Human Kite, Toolshed, TupperWear, Mosquito, Mint-Berry Crunch, and Iron Maiden."

"What the fuck?! What about me?!"

"No, chicks can't be good heroes if they're… romantically entangled. Unfortunately, my dear sister, _you_ are romantically entangled."

"No, I'm not!"

"Both Mysterion and Human Kite have crushes on you. You're a distraction."

I let out a growl, preparing to punch him. Kenny noticed and ran over to hold me back.

"Let me go!" I barked as Kyle grabbed my other arm. "CARTMAN, YOU SEXIST, EGOTISTICAL, FAT, SELF-CENTERED SON OF A GUN!"

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before," he sighed, waving me off. I glared and tried to free myself from the boys.

"LET ME GO SO I CAN POUND HIS GODDAMN FACE IN!"

"Melodyshock," Kenny warned, using his Mysterion cover voice. "Now isn't the time. You're still my partner and a member of the team to me, even if the Coon doesn't think so."

"Same here," Kyle assured me. "Now, are you going to calm down so we can have the meeting?"

" _Fine_." I sat down on the floor next to Kenny's designated chair. "I hate this."

"Just sit there and look pretty," Cartman snorted. "Most female superheroes are sex symbols, anyway."

" _I am NINE YEARS OLD_ ; _what is_ **wrong** _with you?!_ " I screamed, leaping to my feet again. Kenny forced me to sit. "I hate you sometimes."

"Just keep calm, Princess."

I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance, but I sat anyway and let Cartman start the meeting.

"Okay, I think the first thing we need to do is establish everyone's backstories," he declared. "Melodyshock, as the sidekick to Coon and Friends, let's hear yours." Kenny kept a hand on my shoulder, as if to stop me from going off-the-rails, Jersey-girl, psycho-bitch on his ass.

"Fine. I was a normal girl who listened to a lot of music. One day, my speakers were plugged in, charging while they were hooked up to my phone when they got struck by lightning. Because of the lightning, they became super-powerful and I can use my already-existing knowledge of music for combat, defense, and healing."

"Good, but what's your tragic backstory?" I gave him a deadpan look and chose to go for reality.

"I was abused by my birth father and want to make sure nobody feels the pain that I felt by fighting crime, especially against corrupt, power-hungry people. Happy?"

"Perfect! Now, onto you, Human Kite…"

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I barely paid attention to everyone else's backstories. I was really pissed at my brother. How dare he call me a sidekick?! I was more of a superhero than _he_ was. At least, that's what Kenny told me after our first patrol together.

Speaking of Kenny, I _still_ can't believe he's Mysterion. I always felt a tiny bit awkward on patrol with him because I had a crush on Kyle at the time, but now… God… both of _them_ have a crush on _me_! I hoped I wouldn't have to choose in the future. Oh, who was I kidding? Of _course_ I'd have to choose. I knew how Kenny felt, since he'd told me to my face, but Kyle was kind of up in the air. Sure, Cartman was always _teasing him_ about liking me, but I didn't know if that was Kyle _actually liking_ me that way or my brother being an asshole.

I guess I'll know eventually, right?

As long as neither of them turn out like Mike or Cartman, I think I'll be fine.

* * *

 **Again, this is a fluff chapter. However, this is still setting things up for the episode chapters.**

 **Something that might confuse you is which 'Mom' Kate is referring to when she says her mom helped her with snacks. Liane is 'Mom' or 'Mama', Lisa is 'Mother', or 'Mommy'. Also, as far as Kate being relegated to the role of sidekick goes, Cartman is a sexist asshole. He doesn't see Kate as an asset to the team; he sees her as a hinderance. Hopefully, this will come through in the arc when I put it up.**

 **Last note to make is that Kate's final love interest will be picked by you guys. Based on how long it's taking me to get the Coon arc written, my guess is that the next original chapter after this one will be the Valentine's special. I want you all to tell me who you want Kate to end up with: Kenny or Kyle. This will impact the rest of the story, so choose wisely. I myself am remaining impartial, so keep your eyes peeled for the results in the Valentine's special.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	10. Coon 2: Hindsight

**The next chapter arrives.**

 **Just so you know, not only am I rewatching these episodes, I'm also looking over the scripts (they're free online).**

* * *

"I stopped three murders tonight!" Cartman bragged to his team. "What has everyone else done?"

"Melodyshock and I—" Kenny began, but Cartman cut him off.

"Mysterion, I told you, Melodyshock isn't a member of our team. She's a girl, and everyone knows you don't have a girl on your team unless you want romantic tension between them and another member."

"Fuck you. She's my partner and I'm not leaving her out of patrol."

"And why are we called 'Coon and Friends'?" Token added.

"Yeah, we all fight crime together; why are we just your _friends_?" Stan added.

"We wanna be called Extreme Action Avenger League!"

"Yeah!" the others agreed.

"God, because the Coon is a brand people _recognize_. We don't wanna start over, do we?"

" _Mysterion, come in! Are you there, Mysterion?!_ " came a voice.

"What the fuck is that?!"

"It's Melodyshock. She went on patrol by herself so I could do this stupid meeting!" Kenny replied. He took his walkie-talkie off his belt. "Mysterion here."

" _There's a big fire downtown, and my powers don't cover fire. I need you to get down here with the others. I'll keep you posted._ "

"Thanks, Melodyshock. We'll be down there as soon as we can."

"YOU HEAR THAT?! DOWNTOWN!" Cartman yelled. "GO, COON AND FRIENDS! FIND MELODYSHOCK!"

"I already know where she is, dumbass," Kenny sighed. "I know our patrol route by heart."

" _What_ ever, Mysterion. LET'S GO!"

Liane drove the boys downtown, where Kate was waiting by the burning building.

"You could've walked," she chided, her voice a higher-pitch than normal. Kenny lowered his voice; she pitched hers up.

"Let's do this!" Cartman cheered, completely ignoring his sister, as usual.

"The firemen won't let me get close," she reported. "We'll have a hell of a time getting in."

"How many trapped?" Kenny asked her.

"Twenty, from what I heard."

"We'll have to sneak around the back," Cartman declared. "That's how we'll get past the firemen and into the building." He patted Kate on the head. "Good job, sidekick."

" _Sidekick_? How about I sidekick your big, fat—"

"Sorry, Melodyshock. You're not needed anymore." Cartman moved towards the building, but was stopped by some firemen.

"Sorry, kids, we can't let you in," one said.

"You _have_ to! We're all superheroes except Melodyshock!" Cartman failed to notice Kenny and Kyle restraining the female hero from attacking him.

"My God, it's him!" an officer yelled. A man dressed in a yellow and red flew over and landed on the ground. "It's Captain Hindsight!"

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"The building's on fire, people are trapped, and we can't get inside!"

"I see." He looked up and down the building. "Hmm… you see those windows on the right side? They should've built fire escapes by those windows on the higher floors. And they should've re-enforced the roof so they could land a helicopter up there."

"Thank you, Captain Hindsight."

"You're welcome." He flew away.

The kids watched in shock as the firemen left without putting out the fire.

* * *

"Okay, what the _fuck_ happened tonight?!"

Cartman stared at his team, which now included Kate, since Kenny insisted she be included. She was sitting on the floor next to Kenny, as usual.

"I'll tell you what happened," Kate snapped. "It's called Captain Hindsight is a massive dick who doesn't do shit to actually fix a situation or save people."

"Very good, Melodyshock. Keep it up and I _might_ make you a Coon Friend."

"Listen, Coon, we don't need this right now," Kyle intervened. "Melodyshock, what did you find online about this Captain Hindsight guy?"

"Hey!" Cartman yelled. "Melodyshock is just our sidekick! She's a useless bitch—"

He was cut off as Kate put a pair of headphones on his head and turned the volume all the way up. He screamed in pain and ripped them off.

"NEVER USE THAT SHIT ON ME!" he sobbed. "NOT JUSTIN BEIBER, OKAY?!"

"Whatever, Coon. I got some info," Melodyshock informed the team. "According to the Internet reports, Hindsight is everywhere. He's a loner hero, and that can be damaging to a team."

"WE'LL MAKE HIM JOIN US!" Cartman agreed loudly. "SORRY, MY EARS ARE RINGING FROM THE _BULLSHIT_ MUSIC THAT JUST EXPLODED IN MY EARS!"

"Um, fellas and lady," spoke up Butters from the holding cell. "Could you let me go home? It's been six days, and I'm sure my parents are worried…"

"YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT, CHAOS!" Cartman yelled.

"B-but there's no bathroom in here; there's just a bucket, and it's full. And there's nothing to eat."

"You got poop, don't you?" It appeared the ringing had worn off.

"Coon!" gasped Kate.

"Don't fall for it, Melodyshock. We all know how female heroes are weak to men acting meek and helpless."

"How do we convince him to join us?" Stan asked.

"We just beat him to the next disaster," Kenny declared.

"What's worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?!" Kate asked.

Little did they know, there was a worse disaster on the way in the Gulf of Mexico. BP caused another oil spill, making everyone freak out. Captain Hindsight offered advice on how the disaster might've been avoided, but otherwise, he was unhelpful. Cartman tried offering him a spot in Coon and Friends, but to no avail. Meanwhile, Kate was trying to help Bradley avoid pissing off Cartman with his quote-unquote 'lameness' while making it clear that she was fully qualified to be a member of Coon and Friends.

* * *

"We need Cartman out," Kate sighed, shaking her head. "With all this drilling DP has done, it's going to cause problems. Having him as a leader is even more problematic."

"It'll be fine," Clyde assured her, patting her back. "Besides, didn't you start the team so you and Kenny could do what you needed to as superheroes?"

"Yeah, but Cartman's really taking it more seriously than we planned. DP is drilling on the moon and it's going to erupt in disaster." She was shaking with rage and fear. "How do we help out?"

"We take out Hindsight," Cartman replied, entering the basement. "I have a plan."

"Because your last one went _so_ well…" Kate muttered. Ever since they'd started the team, Cartman had been pissing her off more and more.

"We take pictures of Captain Hindsight with Courtney Love and threaten to post them online unless he joins us."

"Who are you roping into this?" Kate asked.

"Chaos!"

"Aw, c'mon, don't make me dress up as Courtney Love," Butters said.

"And how are we going to get him with Captain Hindsight? Last time I checked, he hates us."

"We're just going to take naked pictures of Butters next to a homeless guy and Photoshop Captain Hindsight's face onto him."

"That will help disaster victims?" Kate pressed. "I don't think so. Out of all the stupid plans you've had, this one is one of the stupidest yet."

"HA! And what ideas do you have?"

"I have a lemon bar recipe from my mom," Clyde spoke up. "I think we should have a bake sale to raise money for the victims by selling lemon bars." Kate clapped her hands.

"Yes. That. We'll do that thing."

"UGH!" Cartman groaned. "Unlike _you_ , Melodyshock, we're not the fucking Girl Scouts."

"Those people down there need help," Kenny spoke up. "Sometimes, being a hero means doing it in smaller ways."

"TIMMEH!" Timmy agreed.

"And you think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?!" Cartman snapped.

"More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters," Bradley pointed out.

"SHUT UP, MINT-BERRY CRUNCH! YOU AREN'T EVEN ANYTHING!"

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Kate yelled.

"YOU SHUT UP, TOO, STUPID SIDEKICK WHORE!"

"And that's another thing," Clyde added. "Stop picking on Mint-Berry Crunch and Melodyshock!"

"Oh, what, are you the boss now?!" Cartman asked.

"No, but this _is_ a democracy," Clyde sighed. "We are all equal. No leaders, no sidekicks, just heroes. We vote. All in favor of doing a bake sale to help the relief effort?" Everyone except Cartman raised their hands. Timmy raised a sword.

"Fine," Cartman snarled. "Let's do it."

"To the grocery store!" Stan cheered.

Outside, Clyde, Kate, and Bradley were walking with Cartman towards the store. Suddenly, the raccoon-themed 'hero' whipped around and landed a kick to his sister's gut. She fell to the ground, the wind knocked out of her as he proceeded to beat the crap out of all three of them. He then dragged them back to the Coon Lair, Kate whimpering in pain. He laid them on the table and waited for the others to come back.

"There," he declared once everyone was settled. "Now everything's back to the way it was, right?"

"Right," Bradley replied weakly.

"Right," Clyde echoed.

"Right," Kate whimpered.

"Kewl." He took a sip of his soda. "Now, what's next for Coon and Friends…?" He went upstairs, grinning victoriously.

* * *

"Kate was right," Kenny snarled to Kyle after Cartman had left. "We need Cartman out. He's being even more of a dick. Who beats up their own sister?!"

"I agree," Kyle replied, looking at Stan and the others. "All in favor of kicking Cartman out of Coon and Friends, say aye!"

"AYE!" all the remaining members cheered.

"I can handle it," Kate offered, holding her scratched-up arm. "Here's the plan…"

* * *

The next day, they found out about DP drilling again and ripping open a portal to another dimension this time. Liane also came home from a trip she'd been on for a few days. Kate put the plan into motion while Cartman was in the basement.

"Mama…?" she said weakly. Liane turned and gasped.

"Kate, honey, what happened?!" Kate sniffed, tears running down her face.

"E-Eric beat me and two other kids up, because we wouldn't do what he wanted in our s-superhero team!" Only a quarter of the performance was actually acting; most of it was genuine.

"That's it! Go into the basement, sweetie, and play with your friends. I'll be down in a few minutes to deal with your brother."

Meanwhile, in the basement…

"Hindsight has been taken care of!" Cartman announced. "Now the country will know of Coon and Friends!"

"We have more important things to discuss right now!" Stan snapped.

"Yes, like how we're going to deal with these creatures from another dimension."

"He _means_ we have to discuss things with _you_!" Kenny exploded.

"Okay, what?"

"Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear?"

"I'm not telling him!" Token protested.

"I'll tell him," Kyle sighed. "Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends."

"What?! Why?!"

"I'll tell you," Kate called, hopping off the bottom stair. "It's because you're a selfish asshole who doesn't give a crap about the rest of us. You _beat me, Mosquito, and Mint-Berry Crunch_ _up_ because we didn't want to blackmail a _grown man_ in _spandex_!"

"You're done, Coon!" Kyle added.

"You guys can't _kick me out_! This is _my_ basement! Melodyshock, I'll tell Mom on you!"

"I already told her," Kate said smugly, turning towards the door. "MAMA!"

Liane entered the room, anger in her expression. She grabbed Cartman's arm and brought him upstairs.

"WHOA, THE FUCK, MOM?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" he screeched. She slammed the basement door shut.

"Eric, I told you, no beating up your friends!" she chided. "You hurt your sister! And I told you, I've had it with your language! Your punishment is that your friends will just have to play superhero without you!"

Little did they know what destruction it would all cause, especially once Cthulhu was released…

* * *

 **So there's part three of my Coon and Friends saga. Two more to go, and it looks like fun. I think after this, I'll either do "Raisins" or "You Got F'd in the A". Somebody asked what the fourth-grade restriction meant, and it means no episode before season 4. Sorry, guys, but classic episodes like "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" and "Tom's Rhinoplasty" are off the table.**

 **Interesting fact about me: I'm in a club at school called the Club of Cthulhu. It's a sci-fi/fantasy book club. The girl who started it is a friend of mine who loves H. P. Lovecraft.**

 **Anyway, the Kyle-Kenny poll is still up. You have until February 14, 2018 to give your answer: Does Kate end up with Kyle or with Kenny? You decide!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	11. Mysterion Rises

**Oho! "Mysterion Rises"!**

* * *

We were in front of the store, selling lemon bars and Kate's fudge. She had offered to make plenty of it, and it was selling, too.

"It's just _terrific_ what you kids are doing," a woman commented as she took some fudge.

"Thank you, ma'am," I replied.

"I'll take twenty bars, you little rascals," a man told us as he handed us twelve dollars. Kate was busy waving people over. At our suggestion, she'd worn her hair in pigtails held up by lavender bows, making her look even cuter than usual. I chose to focus on the task at hand rather than my growing attraction to my partner/female best friend.

"A terrific human-interest story here, Tom," a reporter stated as he stood in front of our booth. "As America wonders what happened to Captain Hindsight, some Colorado kids are being a little 'superhuman' themselves. They call themselves 'Coon and Friends', and they've been baking and selling lemon bars and fudge to help aid those affected in the Gulf crisis."

"We believe that every little bit helps," I told the reporter.

"Their little 'super club' consists of eight young heroes." We each struck a pose as we announced our names.

"Toolshed!"

"The Human Kite!"

"Mysterion."

"Melodyshock!"

"TupperWear!"

"Mosquito!"

"TIMMAH!"

"Mint-Berry Crunch!"

"Melodyshock has also stated that there used to be a hero called 'the Coon' actually in the group, but they had to let him go because he was being, quote, 'a dick'."

"Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves 'Coon and Friends'?" Stan asked me.

"Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief, and I find that extremely funny," I chuckle.

"My brother's probably never thought about another person in his life if it didn't benefit him," Kate commented, keeping her smile plastered on her face. " _God_ , my cheeks hurt."

"You look pretty when you smile," Kyle told her. She turned bright pink and looked away.

"Support the Gulf!" she called out, glancing at her dwindling fudge levels. Her fudge and the lemon bars had been selling extremely well, so we were close to running out.

"That's about it, superheroes," Clyde announced. "We're almost out of fudge and lemon bars!"

"Then perhaps we should go back to our secret base and make some more!" suggested Stan.

A man approached and Kate slipped behind the table, ducking behind me. I was confused; the only person she'd been afraid of had been her birth father, but she'd faced him down and he was in prison. Then I got a look at the guy. He was smiling creepily and I wanted to hide behind somebody, too.

"I'll take five lemon bars and five pieces of fudge," he said, grabbing the last two bags and handing us six dollars. Kate relaxed and stood up.

"Five of each! Yes, sir!" Clyde told him.

"That's _definitely_ the last of them!" Kyle added.

"You'll never stop him, you know." We all looked at him. Kate gripped my arm.

"Stop who?" Clyde asked, tilting his head.

"The Great One. Cthulhu. He has risen, and soon all will be under his rule. It has all been foretold in the Necronomicon." He took the bags with him. "Hail Cthulhu! The darkness of the mythos is finally here!" He walked away, sampling some of Kate's fudge. "Oh, this fudge is really good!"

" 'Necronomicon'?" Stan repeated.

"What's a mythos?" Token inquired.

"I'll tell you later," Kate said, shaking her head. Her pigtails bobbed distractingly.

"We'd better get back to the base," Stan decided.

* * *

When we all got back to Kate's house, she was the first to enter the basement. She screamed and I rushed to her side to find our base in ruins.

"CARTMAN DID THIS!" Kyle snarled.

"No," I said as we reached the bottom of the stairs. "Whoever did this was looking for something. It wasn't Cartman; this is his house."

"And I cleared his stuff out," Kate added, picking up her earbuds off the floor.

"Don't anybody move!" a drunken voice slurred. Captain Hindsight came out of the shadows, holding a gun. "So, _you're_ the superheroes who are trying to blackmail me!"

"Aw, dude, it's Captain Hindsight," stated Stan.

"I shoulda never mixed vodka and Jack Daniels," Hindsight groaned. "I shoulda just gone to bed last night."

"Um, dude, are you okay?" Captain Hindsight cocked the gun.

"Where are the pictures?!" he yelled. "Give me every copy of the pictures _now_!"

"P-p-please, sir, we don't know what you mean!" Bradley begged.

"You got pictures of me having sex with Courtney Love!" He pulled some out of his pocket and Kate's eyes widened.

"Uh-oh," Butters muttered.

"Chaos," sighed Kate, going over to his cage. "Why did you take those pictures?"

"The Coon said he'd let me go if I did 'em, and I've missed four days of school now because I've been here." Kate bit her lower lip and unlocked the cage.

"Go home and lay low for a while," she told him. "If we need you, we'll call."

"Thanks!" Butters ran up the stairs.

"All right, enough!" Hindsight shouted, stomping over to Kate. "What's going on?"

"Leave her alone, Hindsight," I instructed. "She's not your enemy. She was against what our former member, the Coon, did. That isn't Courtney Love; the Coon tricked you!"

"It's not Courtney Love?"

"Please, sir, put down the gun."

"No! What if I put down the gun and realize I shouldn't have?!" I looked to Kate, who mouthed 'I have no idea.'

"Look, dude, we don't need to play superhero anymore," Stan said cautiously. "We can just go home."

"No! Because then I could realize I should've killed you all!" He put the gun to Kate's head. While her face remained calm, I could see the fear in her eyes. Fear is one emotion I never wanted to see her have. I lost it.

"THEN DO IT!" I roared, prying Kate from his grasp and putting my forehead to the barrel of the gun. "PULL THE TRIGGER, HINDSIGHT! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE US, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE! PULL THE TRIGGER, YOU PUSSY!"

"D-dude, Kenny, chill out!" Kyle tried. Kate was staring at me in shock. It wasn't the first time I'd sacrificed myself for her. I'd told her that the bullet that hit me when her father tried to shoot her was an accident, but in truth, it had been going to hit her. I stepped in front of it because I knew she wouldn't come back if it hit her.

"You guys go; I'll deal with this prick," I declared.

Everyone except Kate left me alone with Hindsight.

"Why isn't _she_ going?" Hindsight asked, pointing at her.

"Because I'm his partner, dumbfuck. I don't ditch my partner," Kate told him.

I wanted to kill her and kiss her at the same time.

* * *

In the Gulf, Cthulhu was tearing through civilization like it was made of paper. Cartman climbed up on a roller coaster to try to get the behemoth's attention. He wanted to use him to destroy his enemies: hippies, the Jews, gingers, and, of course, Coon and Friends. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord didn't appear to want anything to do with Cartman and ignored him.

* * *

I stood with Kenny and Captain Hindsight in the basement. I'd retrieved my own gun from its hiding spot in the basement and stuck it in the back of my belt as insurance in case things with Hindsight went south. As soon as I'd declared my loyalty to Kenny, Hindsight blinked and broke down. It was a little weird watching a grown man cry on the floor in my basement—at least he wasn't trying to kill himself.

"It doesn't matter," he said, clearing his throat once he'd calmed down. "Even if the pictures _are_ fake, I can't take it anymore." As he talked, he took a swig of his alcohol every so often. He turned away from us. "Do you have _any idea_ what a curse it is to have _perfect 20/20_ hindsight?! As soon as something bad happens, I immediately know how it could've been avoided. I can't take it anymore!"

I looked at Kenny, who looked surprised at Captain Hindsight's admission.

"People need you, Hindsight," I spoke up.

"Without you, they feel helpless and stupid," Kenny added.

"Well, I don't want the power anymore, all right?!" he snapped. I blinked and reached for my gun. Kenny grabbed my wrist and shook his head before facing Hindsight.

"You think your power's a curse? Let me tell you something about curses, buttlicker, because there are some superpowers that make yours look like _nothing_! Trust me, I know." I looked at him in shock. I knew he was telling the truth whenever he said that he was immortal, but telling somebody we _barely_ knew? That was new for him.

"What is _your_ power?" Hindsight inquired.

"I can't die." He sighed. "I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see Heaven, or Hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes." He turned away from us and I wanted to give him a hug. "And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like, 'Hi, Kenny!', even if they saw me get decapitated before their own eyes." He turned back to Hindsight. "You wanna whine about _curses_ , Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy."

After that, Hindsight left me and Kenny alone in the basement. Kenny was staring at the floor, the awkward silence filling the room as I opened and closed my mouth, not knowing what the fuck to say. He'd just revealed that he thought his power was a curse. In a way, I understood being cursed with something awful that you couldn't control; after all, Mike Silverton was my father and Eric Cartman was my brother.

 _Screw it._

I ran forwards and hugged Kenny from behind.

"Kate?!" he yelped, dropping the Mysterion voice. "W-what the hell are you d-doing?!"

"You needed a hug," I stated firmly. "Don't deny it."

"Let go," he grumbled. I did, reluctantly, and he turned to face me. He then wrapped his arms around me and I reciprocated the action. "Kate, you are the best goddamn partner I could have asked for."

"Same to you."

"I need to think," he declared. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye, Kenny." He let go and I watched him disappear down the street once I followed him upstairs.

* * *

I spent my night deep in thought. Even if my power _was_ a curse, I wasn't alone. Kate had my back. I didn't want to drag her into this, but it seemed like she was jumping in after me headfirst. I was still wondering what was up with that hug and my powers when I went to Clyde's the next morning. Everyone else was already there, except Kate, who arrived after I did.

"Take the bed," Clyde offered. "Our lady deserves the finest seat."

"Okay, since when are we in the Dark Ages?" she laughed nervously.

"You're our only female member and you and Mysterion are calling the shots now," Stan explained. "You're basically one of our leaders, and the leaders get the best stuff." He looked at me. "It's open to you, too."

"Thanks, but I'll stand," I replied.

"All right, superheroes! Time to find out more about this Necronomicon thing! Based off Kate's message this morning, a mythos is a mythology, so that helps clear that up."

"Every culture in the world has a mythos," Kate added.

"Here we go!" Kyle announced. " 'The Necronomicon contains an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them.' "

" 'It is used by cults around the world, most notably the Cult of Cthulhu.' "

"A-ha!" Bradley piped up. "That's the cult the creepy man talked about. Uh, you okay, Mysterion?" I realized they were all staring at me.

"I'm fine."

" _Ten arrested in South Park for cult activity_ ," Kate read aloud. "Jeez, this is like, from ten years ago."

"So these people have been preparing for Cthulhu for a long time…" I muttered.

"There's a picture. Make it bigger, Human Kite!"

"Whoa, dude! Mysterion, it's your parents!"

 _That_ caught my attention.

"Uh, what?" I asked, going over to the monitor. On the screen was a picture of my mother—heavily pregnant, I might add, probably with me—and my father in handcuffs. "What the fuck?!" My disguised voice dropped for a second, but I cleared my throat. "Uh, I mean, _what the fuck_?!"

"Clyde!" Mrs. Donovan called through the door. "I told you to take out the trash this morning!"

"Uh…" Clyde pulled off his mosquito nose. "Right away, Mom!" He put it back on and rolled his eyes. "Nag, nag, nag!"

"Listen to your mom, dude, unless you want to become Cartman," Kate chided him.

"Fine."

Meanwhile, in the Gulf, Cartman managed to get through to Cthulhu, who agreed to help him destroy everything. Yeah, not interested in that for now. Let's get back to the cult business.

* * *

"You're hogging it all, asshole!" Mom snapped at Dad. Great, they were smoking something. I hoped it was marijuana and not crack or meth.

"'Cause I paid for it, you stupid bitch!" Dad growled.

"You paid for it with the money _I_ made washing dishes at the Olive Garden!" I could hear them fighting inside, so I hopped up on the windowsill. Dad pushed Mom off him.

"I told you to shut up!"

"Give it to me, you prick!" She looked over to see me on the windowsill and he noticed, too. "AGH!" Both of them fell off the bed and stared up at me in fear. "Oh, God, he's back! It's that mystery kid again!"

"Uh, what the hell do you want this time?" I fixed them with a disapproving stare; it only ever worked on them when I was in costume as Mysterion. "Hey look, we did what you asked. W-w-we treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much."

"And we gave our sons allowances and stopped getting high every night," Mom added. Dad chucked the joint into a corner, hoping I hadn't noticed it.

"I'm not here about that," I told them.

"Oh. S-so, what's this about?" Dad asked.

"Ten years ago, you were arrested for being in some sort of cult." Mom looked at Dad.

"We were?" she asked, confused.

"We've been arrested lots of times, Mysterio," Dad said.

"Mysterion," I corrected. "What is the Cult of Cthulhu?"

"Oh, _that thing_. Look, we were never members; we just went because they offered free beer at their meetings, so we'd go."

"What happened at the meetings?" I pressed.

"Trust us, we don't remember. We were _really_ drunk the entire time, if you can believe that."

"I don't find it hard to."

"I swear, we haven't been back to their meetings since, even though we get invited all the time," Mom assured me.

"These people still meet? Where?"

"Where they always did," Dad sighed. "Jim McElroy's house."

"They used to meet every Friday night," Mom added. "I think they still do."

Satisfied that my parents weren't useless for once, I jumped down from the sill and disappeared into the night.

* * *

" _Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtgan_."

"The Old One has awakened!" declared their leader, throwing back his hood. It was the creepy man from earlier. "A lot of us have waited a long time for this day. Well, for all our South Park Cthulhu members, old and new, it is time to _par-tay_!"

We sat outside, listening to everything that was being said. Kate had lowered a small microphone into the room and hooked it up so we could hear them clearly. She looked alarmed.

"It sounds like some kind of commencement," she whispered.

"There must be clubs like this all over the world!" I hissed.

"We _know_ some of those people!" Stan gasped. "There's Mr. Adler from shop class, and those two geeky computer guys!"

"Oh my God, look!" Kyle whispered. "Back row. Aren't those the Goth Kids?!"

"Shush!" Kate ordered, listening again.

"I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists," Pete commented.

"Yeah," Michael agreed. "I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel."

"Dude, why would the Goth Kids worship Cthulhu?" Stan asked.

"Makes sense," I replied. "Unrelenting despair and a thousand years of darkness sounds pretty goth."

"Will you all _shut up_ so I can hear?!" Kate snapped in a low tone. The anger in her voice did not match her appearance, so I was trying hard not to laugh.

"Now let us read from the Necronomicon," the creepy guy continued. Kate leaned in closer. " 'That which is not dead can eternal lie, and with strange aeons…"

" '…even Death may die,' " the followers finished. My eyes widened as I ran off, and I didn't notice that Kate went after me immediately.

"Kenny," she said, getting my attention. I whipped around to see her standing right behind me. She was biting her lip.

"What?" I asked.

"I think… I think this cult has something to do with your powers. Wasn't your mom, like, _super_ pregnant when she got arrested for being in the cult? Which of her kids would she have been pregnant with? Why did they offer _free beer_ and continue letting known drunks attend their meetings?"

"You think it had something to do with me?"

"What if it was like an Antichrist type deal? They wanted a vessel, a baby."

That made sense, but I needed to talk to some of the members. The Goth Kids were the best option, so we'd talk to them. I then realized Kate was still talking.

"Of course, there's _already_ an Antichrist. His name's Damien and he's our age. Kimmy's nephew."

"Princess, we need to talk to the Goth Kids."

"Oh, right. Sorry. Got sidetracked." Her mind seemed to be elsewhere. "I'm just worried about Cartman."

"What? Why are you worried about that fatass?"

"He… he's been missing for a few days now. He may be a dick and the embodiment of everything wrong with humanity, but he's _still_ my brother."

"We'll find him," I promised her, placing my hands on her shoulders. "I promise."

"Okay. Let's go find the Goth Kids."

We followed the Goth Kids to a dark alleyway, where we could hear their conversation from where we were hiding.

"Do you think the dark lord Cthulhu is gonna make us go to school?" Pete asked, kicking a can.

"No, assmunch," Michael snorted. _God_ , were _all_ guys named Michael or Mike such assholes? "Cthulhu just wants chaos, bedlam, and madness."

"Good, because if I had to go to PE again, I was gonna kill myself." Kate and I took that as a signal and jumped into their path. "Who the f'ing H are they?"

"What does it mean?" I asked. " 'That which is not dead can eternal lie'?"

" 'And with strange aeons, even Death may die,' " Michael finished.

"What does it mean?" Kate coaxed.

"It means everything is going to be black and awesome forever, like a Nine-Inch Nails concert that never ends," Pete explained. Kate rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, so go home and put your underwear on right, you poser," Michael snapped at me. I was about to punch him until Kate grabbed my arm and shook her head. She was right. This was _not_ a battle we needed to fight.

"You're going to tell us everything you know," she told Michael, crossing her arms. Firkle (the tiniest goth) pulled out a switchblade.

"Nobody's stopping Cthulhu now!" he declared. "All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood leak from your neck."

"Dude, that kid is _hardcore_ goth," Michael marveled proudly. Henrietta and Pete nodded in agreement.

I grabbed Kate and put her behind me, acting as her human shield.

"Dude!" she squeaked.

"You aren't going to touch her," I snapped.

"The child is right, you know," a voice said. The creepy guy and one of his lackeys came around the corner and faced us. "Cthulhu sees all, hears all. The dark lord wants us to dispense of this one, kids. Come give us a hand."

"What?! Dude, I don't wanna kill anybody," Pete insisted, backing away.

"We're dark lord minions now, wuss," Michael snorted. "What did you think we'd be doing?"

"Ugh, whatevs." We were trapped, but I made sure Kate stayed behind me.

Suddenly, we heard a buzzing noise above; it was the rest of our team!

"Let them go!" Clyde declared. Kate shook her head.

"Not the time for a roll call, guys!" she called. They looked disappointed, but while they were distracted, the cult leader snatched the switchblade from Firkle and stabbed me. Kate screamed as the cult members fled, cradling my head as I bled out.

"Ha, not the worst way to go," I croaked to her. "At least you're here…"

"Kenny!" she wailed. I could hear Stan talking.

"OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!"

"YOU BASTARDS!" Kyle added. I could feel myself fading, and Kate's tears on my cheeks.

* * *

I woke up in bed, a knocking at my door. Stan and the others rushed in, fully costumed. Kate's skirt still had small traces of blood on it.

"Dude, why'd you run away?" Stan asked me. Kate was just looking around my room, obviously disgusted by the state of it. Then again, she lived with Cartman, so it couldn't have been that bad.

"Yeah, c'mon!" Kyle added. "Get your costume on, lazyass!"

Everybody ran out, except Kate.

"You died, didn't you?" she whispered.

"(Yeah,)" I replied. She shook her head.

"The blood was in my skirt this morning. I vaguely remembered you bleeding out on me. Kenny, that was terrifying."

"(I'm sorry, Princess.)" I gave her a gentle hug.

"Just promise me you'll be more careful."

"(I promise.)"

* * *

 **Whoo! "Mysterion Rises" is finished!**

 **Yay!**

 **That is probably the longest chapter of the story so far. I didn't include Cthulhu very much, but he'll be here. Also, yes, Kate still cares about Cartman. He's her adoptive brother, even if he is a dick. Don't forget to vote in the poll!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	12. Coon VS Coon and Friends

**Final chapter of the Coon arc, baby! WHOOP!**

 **Warning: lots of first-person Kenny and Kate, like most of the other chapters in this arc. Kenny is my favorite character, in case you didn't notice. Little confession: the real Kimmy got pissed when she found out about the love triangle because she wanted me to put her character with Kenny. Sorry, Kimmy! So far, there's two votes for Kenny and two votes for Kyle.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

"Yeah, but what's your _power_?" Stan asked Bradley. I was absentmindedly using Cartman's Chipotle-Away on the bloodstains in my skirt. I had discovered that it worked on more than just underwear; I used it on all sorts of stains. It was a multi-use product.

"The power of mint and berries yet with a satisfying but tasty crunch!" he replied.

"…Nah, see, that's the problem, dude," Stan sighed, shaking his head. "That's not really a power. I have mental command over all power tools, Human Kite can fly—"

"And I have laser eyes!" Kyle added.

"And laser eyes, Melodyshock has powerful speakers and encyclopedic knowledge of music, and Mysterion can…" He looked at Kenny. "Wait, Mysterion, what _is_ your power?"

"I can't die," he replied gruffly. I felt my heart tighten at his tone.

The day before, he'd been stabbed by the leader of the South Park branch of the Cult of Cthulhu. He had died in my arms, bleeding out all over my skirt. After that was a little foggy, I think because nobody usually remembered his deaths. We'd gone to his house that morning, blood still staining the fabric of my skirt, and found him _perfectly fine_. It was as if he'd never been stabbed. That was when I knew he wasn't making it up, and I remembered his previous two deaths, too. Quinn and my dad being the causes. The textbook. The bullet. He took them for me on purpose.

"Oh, yeah, good one!" Stan told Kenny. "Mysterion can't die, and Iron Maiden is indestructible—"

"No, Stan! I'm being serious! I _really, really_ can't die!" Kenny snapped. I bit my lip. I knew how much it killed him inside to keep it all to himself.

"… what?"

"Like last night, in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled out all over Kate! And you screamed 'oh my God' and called him a bastard!"

"When was that?" Kyle asked, tilting his head.

"All the time! I die all the time and you assholes never remember! Except for Kate, _nobody_ remembers!"

"I _think_ we'd remember something like that!" Stan scoffed.

"Well, you _don't_! I die over and over and wake up in my bed like nothing _ever happened._ "

"Dude, you're scaring Mint-Berry Crunch," Stan sighed. "He's peed his pants." Bradley crossed his legs, trying to hide the fact he'd peed his pants.

"Mint-Berry Crunch does _not_ pee his pants!" he whimpered.

"I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys," Kenny muttered.

"Okay, let's say it's true and you're not crazy," Kyle told him. "What's the big deal? I think it'd be pretty cool to not be able to die."

"PRETTY COOL?!" Kenny exploded. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE STABBED?! TO BE SHOT?! DECAPITATED?! TORN APART?! RUN OVER?!"

"Kenny, calm down," Stan tried, but Kenny shook his head.

"It's not 'pretty cool', Kyle. It fucking _hurts_. And it won't go away, and _nobody except Kate_ will believe me." He grabbed my gun off the table and held it to his head. "Try and remember this time! Try and _fucking remember_!"

"Kenny!" I yelled, grabbing for my gun, but it was too late.

 _BANG!_

He collapsed, a bloody hole in the side of his head. It wasn't the first time I'd seen him die, but it was the first time he'd killed himself in front of me.

"Oh my God!" Stan yelped. "Holy shit, dude!"

Everyone started freaking out except me.

"You _promised_ , dumbass," I whispered as Bradley ran out of the basement.

 _I'm going to murder you._

* * *

A few hours later, Kenny showed up, completely fine.

"Hey, I'm back," he greeted me. I backhanded him across the cheek. "OW! GODDAMMIT, KATE!"

"YOU _PROMISED_ , FUCKWAD!" I snapped. "DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!"

"Sorry." He stared at his feet.

"Just… promise not to do that again. I hated it."

"Only if you promise not to forget."

"If you guys are done with your little lovefest, we need you in the basement," Kyle grumbled. I nodded. As soon as the rats had shown up, it was as if Kenny's body had never been there. Nobody remembered.

"We're coming," I sighed.

We began discussing what to do next to help out. Kenny gave me a look before sighing.

"None of you remember me shooting myself in the head earlier, do you?" he asked.

"What?" Stan asked. Everybody started talking about things me and Kenny didn't really care about.

"Hey, guys," an all-too-familiar-yet-obnoxious voice greeted us from the top of the stairs. I leapt to my feet. "What's going on?" It was Cartman!

"Go away, Cartman," Stan snarled. "We kicked you out of Coon and Friends, remember?"

"No. I, I know. That's cool, I understand. Even though I started it and the secret base is in my house. Yes, that's totally understandable." I narrowed my eyes; he was up to something. Cartman _never_ acted apologetic.

"You just wanted to frame and blackmail people, then you beat up Kate, Clyde, and Bradley for _no reason_!"

"No, you're right. For no reason. Clearly, something is wrong with me. But guys, what should I do?"

"You should fuck off, that's what you should do," Kyle snapped. Cartman's expression changed and I _knew_ something was up.

"Hmm. Well, I just wanted to say you guys were right. Bye now." He turned to leave but faced us again. "Oh, and there's a double rainbow outside."

 _That_ was unexpected. Bradley rushed outside to see it, and we were all curious.

What we found was nothing.

Cartman had tricked us, and Cthulhu sent us to a dark dimension. Before he could, though, Bradley made a break for it, abandoning us. We were helpless as the dark energy surrounded us.

* * *

"Dude, where the fuck are we?" Stan asked, looking around. I felt a feeling of déjà vu.

"I don't know, but I feel like… I've… been here before," I replied. A huge butterfly-like creature flew out of the bushes, straight for us.

"OH, SHIT!" Stan yelled as we all started running from it. Kate had her speakers out and was blasting every obnoxious genre of music she could think of, but it wasn't working. We reached a cliff and the creature vanished.

"We aren't going that way," Kyle panted.

"You guys, I wanna go home," Clyde whimpered. Kate patted his back.

"We _all_ wanna go home, Clyde. We're just not going to last long out here."

"Look, maybe we should just find a place to hide and wait for help."

"What help, dude? Nobody in the real world even knows we're here!" An idea formed in my head. It was risky, but it _just might_ save our asses.

"You guys find a place to hide for as long as you can," I instructed. "I'll try and find help."

I had to break my promise again. Kate got my meaning and pulled Clyde away from the cliff. I didn't want to regret anything if this didn't work, so I grabbed her by the wrist.

"Kenny, what are you—" she began, but I cut her off by pressing my lips to hers. She was wearing minty lip balm, and it made her lips incredibly soft. I liked the way they tasted and felt, but it wasn't the time to have a massive make-out session with the girl who might be my girlfriend.

"No regrets," I told her once I pulled away. "I love you, Kate, and I'm sorry."

"KENNY!" she screamed as I took a running leap off the cliff. I landed in the pit of spikes below.

"OW!" I screamed in pain. "THAT FUCKING _HURTS_!"

I felt the world around me fade and go dark.

* * *

"OH MY GOD!" Stan yelled. "KENNY!"

"You crazy bastard," Kyle muttered, looking at me. I touched my lips where Kenny had kissed me.

"No regrets," I whispered. The others turned away from the edge as Kenny's body vanished. I felt like crying. This wasn't like the other times. We weren't in South Park. He might not come back.

I started bawling like a baby and Kyle noticed

"Kate, what's wrong?" he asked, putting an arm around me.

"Kenny," I sniffed.

"Kenny ditched us, Kate. He's not here." He shook his head in anger. "That bastard. I'm not going to leave the team alone like that."

"I know." I looked back at the cliff. "No regrets, right?" I wiped my eyes as Kyle led me towards the others. He liked me; I could tell, and I liked him back. But…

 _I think I love you, too, Kenny_.

* * *

Just like I hoped, I woke up in my bed in South Park. I checked myself up and down, making sure I was all there. I could still somewhat taste Kate's minty lip balm on my lips, and that was when I knew it was real. I rushed to get my costume on and get out of the house. I'd catch hell from Kate once she was home, but she'd be safe and I'd have actually kissed her. I needed to talk to the Goth Kids again and figure out how to bring Kate and the others home.

They were at Henrietta's house. I sat on a branch outside her window and listened to their conversation.

"This freaking _sucks_!" one of the ones I didn't know complained. "We worshipped and prayed to Cthulhu, went to all the cult meetings, but life is still totally freaking _gay_."

"I thought when Cthulhu rose from the dead, all was going to be darkness and pain," Pete sighed. "I thought at least _school_ would be cancelled."

"How do I fight him?" I asked. They all turned to look at me.

"Oh, great," Michael muttered. "It's Underwear Boy again."

"That god you pray to just took away all my friends," I snapped, thinking of Kate.

"Not _our_ god," Pete snorted. "He promised if we worshipped him, everything would change, but instead, we're still sitting here smoking cigarettes." He took a drag of his cig as he paused. "It's like Obama all over again."

"How do I fight him?!" I repeated.

"Cthulhu isn't living or dead, alright?" Pete sighed.

"Tell me what that means!"

Before he could answer, Mrs. Biggle appeared in the doorway, insisting Henrietta let her little brother play with her. It turned out Henrietta's little brother was Bradley, who ran away as soon as he saw me. Henrietta, evidently hoping to avoid her mom, pulled out a copy of the Necronomicon.

"Alright, look, the Necronomicon is an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them," she began. I saw a couple illustrations of a prince interacting with an Old One.

"Old Ones?" I inquired, feeling a little confused.

"Deities that existed before man," Michael clarified. Maybe he wasn't a dick.

"It was written by a mad prince who knew of the nightmare city of R'Lyeh, which fell from the stars and exists beneath the sea. And in another dimension," Henrietta added, showing me another illustration, this one of the place where the others were trapped.

"That's it!" I declared. "That's where I just was!"

"You've _been_ to the nightmare city of R'Lyeh?!" Michael gasped.

"Lucky!" Pete whined.

"Cthulhu and other beings are from this city, but for years, cultists have tried to bring them into our world," Henrietta continued.

"And what about Cthulhu's power?" I pressed. "Why can't Old Ones die?"

"The only thing that can destroy an immortal is another immortal."

Suddenly, I realized what she was saying. Either I had to destroy Cthulhu, or he would destroy me. And I wouldn't come back. It was my way out. Kate had said my powers might be connected to the cult somehow, and she could be right.

Kate…

Before I could do anything, Bradley burst in, dressed as Mint-Berry Crunch, ready to help. I excused myself from the room and headed down the street, only for Bradley to catch up with me and insist upon helping me.

* * *

We arrived at a stadium, where Cartman and Cthulhu had just killed Justin Beiber. Normally, I'd be pissed that Cartman had succeeded, but it was Justin Beiber. I was indifferent. Still, he had to be stopped.

"Hey, fat boy!" I yelled. Cartman stared at me in shock.

"Kenny?! What the hell?! I sent you to the—"

"To the sunken city of R'Lyeh fallen from the stars!" I finished, good and pissed as I approached him. "You little fucking _prick_! What is _wrong_ with you?! What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends and his sister?!"

"It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny!"

"You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU!"

That quickly escalated as we found out Bradley _actually_ had powers! He managed to take down Cthulhu and bring everyone back from R'Lyeh, including a Kate who looked like she'd spent most of her time there crying.

"Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, Mint-Berry Crunch," Stan sighed.

"Oh no, we worked as a _team_ ," Bradley insisted. "All the Coon and Friends stopped the BP-DP oil crisis!"

Cartman was in the cage we'd kept Butters in for so long. Right where he belonged, behind bars. Kenny was stupid again and shot himself in the head rather than walking home.

* * *

That night, Kenny and I met up for patrol. He was perfectly fine, and that made me a little angry.

"Kenny McCormick, you are so _frustrating_ ," I informed him, crossing my arms.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't have any other way back."

"I know, but we could've _at least_ coordinated that better."

"I'm sorry I kissed you." My eyes widened.

"No! It's not about the kiss!" My cheeks burned with embarrassment. "It's about you _randomly_ killing yourself instead of walking home like a normal person!"

"Look, Kate, I was exhausted. I wouldn't have made it home without dying in the snow. By killing myself, I made the process quicker and I got home safely."

"You could've spent the night."

"I know…"

Awkward silence.

"I liked kissing you, you know," he said, clearing his throat. "Your lips taste and feel good."

"And… I don't know how I feel about you, Kenny, but I _do_ like the way you kiss. The only other boy I've ever kissed was Kyle, remember?"

"Let me guess: you still like him."

"I like _him_ , I like _you_ ; I don't know who to pick."

"I'm not going to pressure you to pick me. Just… listen to your heart."

I smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

Unfortunately, I forgot we were on a rooftop and Kenny fell off, being startled by my display of affection.

Just another day in South Park…

* * *

 **Yes, Kenny and Kate kissed. Poor little Katherine; she's so confused. The boys know what they want. You guys decide what she wants. I'll try to write more chemistry between Kyle and Kate. Vote in the poll if you haven't already!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	13. The Trial of Mike Silverton

**Another random chapter while I work on the next episode-based one. I think I'll be taking a break after all the work I did on the Coon arc. Also, why does Fanfiction censor the word 'Coon'? I swear, every time I write it in the messaging system or it's in the comments, it's written as 'C***'. It's** _ **Coon**_ **, not cunt.**

 **I think the next one will be "Raisins", but I've got to completely change the subplot because I hate the Butters subplot. Anyway, this chapter is Kyle-centric. It's a chapter I've had planned for a while: Mike Silverton going on trial for his crimes. Kyle is going to be supportive of Kate, but he's also going to try to prove to her that he's boyfriend material over Kenny.**

 **A note to make is that most of my courtroom knowledge comes from books I've read or** _ **Law and Order**_ **. That show is fucking addictive.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

If you had asked me four months ago what type of girl I was looking for, I wouldn't have been able to give you an answer. I wasn't really interested in romance or a relationship beyond friendship. I was happy being single. Sure, girls were interested in me from time to time, but that tended to end in disaster. I hated the fact that no girl seemed to want to pursue a deeper relationship. I hadn't developed a type due to my lack of experience with girls. Cartman was an asshole; no girl wanted to be with him. Stan had Wendy. And Kenny… well, Kenny was a pervert who seemed like he dated any girl he could. I was alone and I thought I'd be that way until middle school, when I'd meet girls who weren't obsessed with fashion and makeup.

Then Kate moved to South Park.

I met her on her first day of class, back when she was all shy and nervous from being in a new place. I thought she was nice enough, but as I got to know her, I realized she was different from the other girls in our class. She wasn't as girly as the others, and she preferred romance novels to fashion and makeup. She was definitely more rough-and-tumble than the other girls. Of course, that could've been a byproduct of living with the human waste heap known as Eric Cartman.

I guess you could say I realized how I felt in an instant. I knew she was attractive, but it was like color entered my world one day when we were talking. Suddenly, her green eyes seemed to glow brighter and her smile lit up her face as she laughed. I felt like I couldn't breathe for a moment, just looking at her.

"Kyle, are you okay?" she asked, noticing me staring.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," I replied, stumbling a bit over my words. "Let's just, uh, go meet the others at the park, like we planned."

"Oh, shit! It's _that late_ already?! Let's go!"

Her personality was one that took some time to wrap your head around if you weren't used to it. She was shy, outgoing, temperamental, sweet, strong, and _smart_. If you messed with her, especially if your name was Eric Cartman, she wouldn't hesitate to let you know that _you fucked up_. In some cases, like with Quinn Hart, she would deliver a beatdown worthy of an MMA fighter. I was actually kind of scared to find out what would happen if a guy dating her cheated on her. Chances are, he _probably_ would end up unable to bear children.

At any rate, Kate was an amazing person. It wasn't hard to believe that I wasn't the only one with a crush on her. Kenny had admitted to having feelings for her, and he'd admitted it to her face, too. I knew Clyde had hit on her a couple times, leading to her hitting his shoulder. Nobody except me and Kenny were serious about possibly dating her.

That all came to a head after Kate's dad, Mike Silverton, was arrested.

Kate was asked to come to the trial to testify against him, along with her birth mom, Lisa Meyercheck. The news about Mike's arrest and trial was all over South Park, but nobody except us knew that sweet little Katherine Cartman was his daughter.

* * *

"Alright, kids," Mr. Mackey told us when he came into class. "Now, as many of you probably know, a man named Mike Silverton was recently arrested, m'kay? Principal Victoria has decided that it would be educational for you all to witness a trial, m'kay?" Butters raised his hand. "Yes, Butters?"

"Uh, what was he arrested _for_?" Butters asked.

"Uh, he was arrested for murder, rape, stalking, and domestic and child abuse," Mr. Mackey replied. "Now, Mr. Garrison has already printed the permission forms, so all of you get them signed, m'kay?"

He handed out the forms and everybody except Kate took one. She just stared at her desk, not even moving to take the paper from Mr. Mackey. He gave her a look of sympathy and pity before moving on to Wendy.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked her after the bell rang.

"I'm _fine_ ," she sighed. "I just… a _field trip_? To a _murder trial_ of a child abuser? Is that _safe_?!"

"This is South Park. None of our field trips are conventional."

"I said safe, not conventional. But it's neither." She fiddled with the book in her hands. This one was called _Keep Holding On_ by Susane Colasanti. **(A/N: Yes, that's an important detail. Shut up.)**

"I know you hate your dad, but are you going to be able to do this?"

"Yeah, your dad's the prosecution."

"Whoa, really?"

"Really."

"Then I'll be there, too. I'll be your moral support."

"Thanks, Kyle." She gave me a little smile. "I need friends there."

"Well, probably our entire _class_ will be there, so you'll have all of us behind you."

* * *

"A field trip?" Mom asked. "Where to?"

"A trial," I replied, taking a sip of my drink.

"Learning about the legal system, eh?" Dad commented. "What kind of trial is it?"

"Mike Silverton's." Mom dropped her fork.

"Oh, dear God," she murmured. "Why a murder trial?!"

"Mom, I _want_ to go!"

"Why? Why would you want to go to a murder trial?"

"Because Mike is Kate's dad and she's testifying against him."

"Oh." Mom let out a sigh as she picked her fork back up. "Yes, you can go."

"Wait, really?"

"I want you to support your friend and see that bastard put behind bars." She pressed her lips into a thin line. "At least your father will be there."

"Thank you!" I cheered in relief.

"Kyle loves Kate!" Ike declared. I turned the same color as my hair.

"Aw, Kyle!" Mom cooed. "You have a crush."

"So what if I do?" I said defensively. "I'm going to focus on helping her through this trial, not on trying to get her to go out with me."

"That's very mature of you, son," Dad assured me. "I talked to Kate the other day, and she seemed like a very nice girl."

"Oh, we _have_ to have her over for dinner after this is over," Mom gushed. I excused myself from the table.

* * *

On the day of the trip, we all arrived at school and waited in the gym for the buses. We'd been told to dress nicely for the courtroom, so I was wearing a dress suit and nice pants and I'd managed to tame my unruly red hair. Kenny had ditched his parka for the day, opting instead to wear a dress shirt and pants that weren't full of holes. A bunch of girls started giggling at him, but I don't think it's because he looked weird.

"Where's Kate?" Wendy asked me.

"She's, uh…" I replied, not knowing how to respond. "She's testifying."

"At the _trial_?"

"Yeah. Mike Silverton's her dad."

"Then… the child abuse charge… that means he abused Kate!"

"I know." I wanted to punch the bastard in the face. He'd terrorized Kate for nine years of her life, and he wasn't going to do it anymore if he got put away.

"All right, children, time to get on the bus," Mr. Garrison announced. "We have an hour to get to the courthouse."

On the bus, everyone was talking about the trial. Somehow (Cartman), it got out that Kate was Mike's daughter and that she was testifying against him. Kenny was sitting next to me, Stan across the aisle next to Wendy, so we wondered what Kate would say.

Hell, what would _Lisa_ say?

"Ms. Meyercheck is bound to have more to say than Kate," Stan concluded. "She dealt with more of the abuse, not to mention _she's_ the reason Kate's here at _all_."

"Yeah," Kenny agreed. "I think she's where Kate gets her strength. Ms. Meyercheck doesn't fuck around."

"Right," Cartman muttered from the seat in front of us. "When I got grounded after the Cthulhu thing, Mom sent me to live with Lisa for that time." He shuddered in horror.

"So you're scared of her," I snickered.

"HEY! Laugh all you want, Jew-Fag, but Lisa Meyercheck is a drill sergeant in disguise."

We arrived at the courthouse and were briefed on courtroom proceedings. Mr. Garrison led us inside the courtroom and put me, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, and Wendy right behind the prosecution. Dad was already there and talking to Ms. Meyercheck, who was holding Kate's hand tightly. Kate herself had her hair straight down, a bow stuck in the back. It was purple, like her dress, and she was wearing the same pair of silver heels she'd worn for the Little Miss Park County pageant.

"Hey, Kate," I whispered. She waved.

Before long, the trial began and Mike was escorted in. I glared at him in his fancy Italian suit, and his lawyer for good measure. The opening statements were made and Kate made her testimony, which was shortened due to her age. Lisa was then called to the stand.

"Ms. Meyercheck, would you tell us exactly what happened the day your daughter almost died?" Dad asked Lisa.

"Of course," she replied. "I went out to see my mother, who was in the hospital. It was late in the afternoon, so I left Kate at home. She was five, and I left her with a babysitter. While I was out, Mike came home and the babysitter left, thinking Kate would be fine with her father. I'm not entirely sure what happened after that, but all I know is I came home to my five-year-old daughter, one of the sweetest little girls I've ever met in my life, bleeding to death on the floor." She wiped a tear from her eye. "And that wasn't even the worst part."

"What was the worst part?"

"Kate doesn't remember it; she was either already unconscious or she's blocked it from her memory. The worst part of it all was that Mike… Mike was trying to…" She looked at our class in the rows. "I can't say with children in the room."

"Objection!" called the New Jersey lawyer. "The witness is too emotional!"

"Overruled," the judge declared.

"Ms. Meyercheck, please tell us what your ex-husband was doing."

"He was trying to… to… rape my little girl. I screamed and punched him in the face to stop him and I took Kate to the hospital. I was so emotionally overwrought that I couldn't think straight. After that, I packed our bags and Kate and I spent the next four years on the road. I eventually realized she wasn't safe with me, and that she needed a stable home. That was when I called my old friend, Liane Cartman, to ask her to adopt Kate. They'd met before, years ago, when I visited South Park. I knew Liane had a son Kate's age, and I knew what kind of place South Park was. I grew up here before I moved to New Jersey in high school."

"And how did Liane Cartman respond to your request?"

"She agreed to it, and I sent Kate her way. I didn't see her again until a few days after Mike's arrest, when I dropped off Kate's official paperwork. I love her, but I'm not a good mother. Liane is a good mother."

"Thank you, Ms. Meyercheck. No further questions, Your Honor."

We were all shocked into silence, and so was the jury.

I was appalled. I knew Mike was a horrible person, but to _rape his own daughter_?! What kind of sicko did that?! Even Cartman looked disgusted at the revelation. Kate looked horrified and violated. She started crying and a guard escorted her from the courtroom. The judge called for a short recess and I followed Kate and the guard out, along with Kenny.

"Hey, guys," she choked out as she sat in the hall. We sat on either side of her, forming a protective bubble as people streamed out of the courtroom. "I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby."

"No, you're _allowed_ to cry about this," Kenny soothed, patting her on the back. "Your father is worse than mine, and mine's a drunken addict who can't hold a job."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault your father's a complete bastard who doesn't know how to treat his child."

"I can't remember him _ever_ being remotely like a father to me," she admitted hoarsely. "I've never really _had_ a dad. You guys are lucky. You've always had friends and family members to support you. It's always been just me and my mom."

"Well, now you have us," I told her. She gave us a smile.

"Thanks, guys."

We hugged her on either side as the rest of our class filed out of the courtroom. Kenny and I were pushed aside as the girls in our class surrounded Kate and started fussing over her. She mouthed, 'help me', but we shook our heads. We were all one-hundred percent behind her.

* * *

After the cross-examination and a bunch of other testimonies, the jury reached a verdict.

 _ **GUILTY**_.

As soon as that was announced, Mike was escorted from the courtroom and our class surged to congratulate Kate. She went right for our little group: me, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Wendy. We gave her the biggest group hug we could.

We didn't know it wouldn't last.

* * *

 **You didn't really think Mike would be a one-off character, did you? No, I have at least two more chapters planned with this fucker, and one involves Kate fulfilling her wish of putting a bullet between his eyes. Wish I could say Lisa gets a happy ending, but you'll just have to wait and see!**

 **Next up is "Raisins"!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	14. Raisins

**Raisins.**

 **Just… raisins…**

* * *

It was a beautiful day in South Park. Recess was in full swing, the boys engaged in a game of football. Kate was sitting on the sidelines, engrossed in another romance novel, occasionally glancing up to make sure nobody got hurt.

"All right, you guys, it's first down," Stan told his team in the huddle. "I'll hike the ball on the third 'set hut!' Kyle and Cartman, go deep post out. Kenny, run a slant down the middle. Butters, be ready for the screen."

"Right," Cartman replied. "What are we playing again?"

"Football."

"Got it."

Both the teams got into position, and Stan prepared to call the play. Bebe was walking up with an expression that said she had bad news. Kate put down her book to see what would happen.

"Okay, 23!" Stan yelled. Bebe tapped him on the shoulder. He ignored her. "Blue, 23! Set hut! Set hut!" Bebe tapped him again and this time, he turned to look at her.

"Wendy breaks up," Bebe told him.

"What?!"

"Wendy breaks up with you." Kate gasped and walked over, prepared for the emotional fallout as Bebe turned to leave.

"Oh, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!"

"She just doesn't want to be with you anymore. She still wants to be friends, though."

"What _ever_ , Bebe!" jeered Cartman. The other boys had noticed the conversation and turned to watch. "Like Stan really cares! Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank!"

"Fuck you, fatass!" Bebe snapped. "You guys are assholes!"

"Oh, yeah?" Butters shot back. "Well, at least we _have_ assholes, you dumb girl!"

"Yeh-heah, right!" Cartman snickered.

"God, you guys are so stupid!" Bebe walked away, leaving a shell-shocked Stan.

"What a whore," sneered Cartman, not noticing his sister walking up.

"Yeah!" Kyle agreed. "Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up!" The boys (except Stan) went back to their game. "Stan?"

"Come on, Stan, it's first down still!" Cartman groaned. Stan walked away, a shocked expression still on his face.

"What's the matter with him?" Clyde asked.

"Poor guy," Kate sighed.

"He's just being a wuss," Cartman told her. She whacked him on the back of the head with her book. "OW! GODDAMMIT, KATE!"

"He's not being a wuss! He just lost someone he really cared about! Heartbreak isn't easy to get over, you fucking self-centered prick!"

"But Stan's not an emotional person!" Kyle protested.

"Actually, I'd say Stan's the most in touch with his emotions out of all of you. He was the first to get a girlfriend, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, because _you_ won't give Kyel and Kinney an answer!" snorted Cartman. She glared.

"That's besides the point. Stan just needs time. Time heals all wounds."

"Unless you're dead."

"Shut up, Cartman."

"No! Stan needs to get over it so we can finish our game!"

"You're such a good friend, Cartman," she muttered, shaking her head.

* * *

The next day, Stan attempted to get Wendy back by sending Kyle and Jimmy to talk to her, but that ended in disaster. Stan ended up moping in his bed back home, a blanket over the window to prevent sunshine from getting in. His friends (sans Kate, who had excused herself due to having a job) came over to try and cheer him up.

"Jesus," Kyle murmured, looking at the state of his friend.

"We came to cheer you up, Stan!" Butters announced.

"Go away," Stan croaked.

"Stan, you can't keep doing this to yourself," Kyle declared. "You have to go _live_."

"Why? What's the point of _living_ if the only girl I ever loved is gone?!"

"(I wish Kate was here,)" Kenny whispered. "(Stupid job.)"

"You guys have no idea how this feels," Stan continued, his voice cracking with emotion. "It's like, you always hear _songs_ about a broken heart and you think it's just a figure of speech? But it's true. My chest _hurts_. I feel like, this sinking feeling where my heart is… It's broken."

"I agree with Kenny," Cartman hissed. "This is a job for a girl."

"No, it's not," sighed Kyle. "Look, as _amazing_ as Kate is, she doesn't handle guy issues very well. We just have to show him that's there's other girls out there. I say we take him to Raisins."

"What's Raisins?" asked Butters.

Raisins, it turned out, was like a kid version of Hooters. Cute waitresses were walking around, flirting and serving big plates of wings while a sports game played in the background. One, a peppy blonde (Mercedes), walked up and welcomed them.

"Hi, welcome to Raisins!" she declared. "Follow me to your table!"

The boys followed her as she went over to a decent-sized table and set out menus.

"Your waitress, Caddy, will be with you in just a minute! It's her first day, so don't be _too_ hard on her!" She walked away and the boys started looking at the menus.

"What do you think, Stan?" Kyle asked. "These girls are pretty cute, huh?"

"Jesus Christ, I think I've… died… and gone to heaven!" Jimmy commented.

"This place is awesome!" Butters agreed.

"How do you know?" Cartman sneered. "We haven't even tried the food yet!"

"Hey, guys!" a familiar voice said. "Welcome to Raisins!"

The boys looked at the end of the table to see Kate in one of the waitress outfits, her face having rather sparse amounts of makeup compared to the other waitresses. Kyle's jaw dropped.

"KATE?!" he yelped. She looked up and her eyes widened. However, she put on a fake smile and pulled out a pen.

"What can I get you today?" she asked.

"How about your number?!" called a boy at another table. She shot him a flirty look then turned back to the boys.

"Okay, um, we're gonna get the zingy-tangy wings," Cartman began, "and mozzarella tasty tarts, and uh, OH! A pitcher of lemonade!"

"Comin' right up, hon!" She walked away after writing down their order.

"I-I didn't know Kate worked here!" squeaked Kyle.

"Neither did I!" Cartman added. "God, I _knew_ she was a whore."

"She's _not_ a whore!" Kyle hissed. "Anyway…" He glanced around the room and noticed a Raisins girl with long black hair. "Hey. Hey, look over there, Stan! That Raisins girl is _really cute_ , huh? Why don't you say hi to her?" He waved at the waitress. "Excuse me!" She walked over.

"Hi, guys! My name's Porsche."

"Hey, uh, this is Stan."

Porsche started blabbering about inane subjects while Kate brought out the food. One of the guys at another table tripped her, probably hoping that she'd end up soaked in lemonade. He didn't realize Katherine Marie Cartman didn't go down easily, or that she had ninja/cat-like reflexes. The food went up in the air and she gasped. As quickly as she could, she extended the tray and caught every bit of food, including the still-full lemonade pitcher. A bunch of people started clapping and a tough-looking guy came over to 'escort' the patron out.

"Holy shit," Kyle whispered, staring at his crush.

"Here you go, guys!" she sang, setting the food on the table.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Kyle asked.

"Sure!" Kate replied, the stupid fake smile still plastered on her face. He could tell that she didn't _want_ to act like an airhead; in fact, he knew she wanted nothing more than to go beat the shit out of the guy who tripped her.

"CADDY!" called Mercedes.

"Oh, sorry! Duty calls!"

Later, the Raisins girls did a whole little song-and-dance routine to The Village People's "Y.M.C.A". Kate ended up joining in, although Kyle was still confused as to _why_ she was working there. Cartman stuffed his face, as per usual, and Stan ended up walking out even more depressed than before.

"Bye, guys!" Kate called, still acting as chipper as the other girls. Kyle knew he was going to have to talk to her later, so he shot her a text as he and the others left.

 _Meet me under the big tree at recess tomorrow. We have to talk._

Meanwhile, Stan went to talk to Bebe about getting Wendy back. Her suggestion of holding a boombox above his head and playing Peter Gabriel didn't go as well as he'd hoped. In fact, it led to him finding out Wendy was now going out with Token. He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.

* * *

"All right, kids!" called Mr. Garrison. "Out on the gym floor for P.E. class!"

Most of the boys left their gym lockers to go out into the gym. Stan, on the other hand, remained in the locker room, wearing nothing but a towel and his hat. Kyle shook his head as he came back in.

"Come on, Stan! We're going to play dodgeball."

"I can't believe it," Stan croaked. "She's in love with somebody else."

"Dude, you need to snap out of this! So Wendy left you for Token. What are you going to do, be _miserable_ your whole life?"

"There's nothing else I _can_ do. She was my whole life."

"Aw, c'mon, dude! All you've done for the past four days is mope around. You might as well hang out with those Goth kids who dress in black and talk about pain all the time!"

"Maybe I should. At least they'll understand me. Maybe I _should_ hang with the Goth kids…"

At recess, Kyle met up with Kate under the tree, like they'd planned.

"What'd you wanna talk about?" she asked, sitting down.

"It's about… you working at Raisins."

"It's not a permanent thing. I hate every single bitch I work with, except _maybe_ Mercedes and Maury. It's a decent job, though, especially with all the tips I get."

"It doesn't bother you when other guys hit on you?"

"I get worse from Kenny with thinly-veiled innuendoes. The whole tripping thing yesterday? That's actually the worst that's happened. Most of the time, they just want to talk to me the entire time they're there, so no, it doesn't bother me."

"Well, it… kinda bothers me."

"Why?"

"It's just… I like you, okay? I didn't know how to tell you before, so I'm just hoping this doesn't change things."

"It doesn't. Kyle, I'm not an idiot. I've known you've liked me for a while now."

"Oh."

"Plus, Cartman's always making jokes about how you and Kenny are competing for my affections."

"Okay. Uh, hey, remember how you said Stan needed _time_ to get over his heartbreak?"

"Yeah?"

"He's really depressed over Wendy, and I was hoping you could talk some sense into him."

"Why me?"

"You're a girl. You're better with emotional stuff."

"That's true. I'll talk to him when I get a chance."

"I heard him say something about joining the Goth kids…"

"Ugh. _Those_ assholes. Stan's not going to join them for good. He'll snap out of it in a few days."

"Wow. You _are_ observant."

* * *

"Life is pain. Life is only pain." Pete flipped his hair. "We're all taught to believe in happy fairy-tale endings. But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that eats at your soul."

"Who needs that kind of Barbie love, anyway?" Michael sneered. "Everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make thirty-four thousand dollars a year to buy your condominium. They're all zombies racing towards their graves. Love didn't work for my mom and dad; why should it work for me?"

"My dad is such an asshole," Henrietta declared. "Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist. But then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroin-addict aunt is coming over for dinner. Dinner? That's a laugh. Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the other Britney Spears wannabes at this school."

"They're all a bunch of Nazi conformist cheerleaders," Firkle agreed. Stan bit his lip.

"But if life is only pain… then what's the point of living?" he asked.

"Just to make life more miserable for the conformists," Pete explained, flipping his hair back again.

"All right, so how do I join you?"

"If you want to be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do," Michael sighed.

"'K…" Stan agreed.

* * *

"Oh my God." Kate facepalmed as she got a look at the new 'Goth' Stan.

"I told you," Kyle sighed, shaking his head. "How bad is it?"

"That boy is going to end up with the wrong group if someone doesn't snap him out of this."

"Weren't _you_ going to do that?"

"I'm going to give him a couple days to be all dark and moody, like a wannabe vampire. Then I'll snap him out of it with a hard dose of reality. That's the best way to do it, and this way he doesn't have to go through the emo phase of his teen years."

"Wow, how do you know all that?"

"You think I read romance novels for my health? It's so I can help people with relationships. And also because Susane Colasanti is a damn good writer."

"Oh."

* * *

That afternoon, the Goth kids (now including Stan) hung out in Henrietta's room after school. Now, with most people, hanging out would mean doing things you enjoy. With the Goth kids, it meant reading depressing poetry then smoking cigarettes.

" 'Shallow life./ Drowning alone, I gasp for air./ Coldness creeps over pale skin./ There is sadness so deep it pulls me down/ Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea.' " Henrietta sighed and took a drag on her cigarette.

"Yeah, happiness dies," agreed Pete.

"Yeah," Stan echoed.

"All right, your turn, Stan," Michael announced. "Read one of your poems about pain." Stan nodded and stood up.

" 'There is darkness all around me/ Deep, piercing black, I cannot breathe/ My heart has been raped.' "

"Whoa," marveled Henrietta.

" 'The pain is everlasting./ I miss you so much, babe./ Want to hold you in my arms again, girl. Want to—' "

"Whoa, whoa!" Pete called. "Dude! Those last two lines aren't goth!"

"They're not?" Stan asked.

"No, dude!" Michael agreed. "You can't say, 'I miss you so much, babe./ Want to hold you in my arms again.' "

"Make it, 'I miss seeing you so much that I want to slash my eyes out with razor blades'," Henrietta suggested.

The door opened and Mrs. Biggle popped her head in.

"Henrietta! Hi, sweetie!"

"Go away, Mom!" Henrietta snapped. "Leave me alone!"

"Daddy and I just got your birthday present! But you can't see what it is until tomorrow!"

"You'd _like_ to wait until I was dead, wouldn't you?! You'd like to see maggots eat my face!"

"Ee—you're so creative, honey!" She closed the door and left them alone.

"Conformist bitch."

"Yeah," the other goths agreed.

* * *

At Raisins, Kate was hard at work. She was certainly professional at what she did, owing to her skill at acting and her ability to react quickly to falling dishes. Before long, closing time came and Kate was helping close up.

"Caddy, you're the best employee we've ever had!" gushed Mercedes.

"Thanks, Mercedes," Kate sighed as she set a chair on one of the tables.

"Seriously! A bunch of guys have _requested_ to be in your area! Only the _best_ Raisins girls get _that_!"

"Well, I'm not planning on working here forever."

"Of course you aren't! With _your_ skillset, I wouldn't be surprised if you went on to become a manager or a hostess, like me!"

"I'll definitely keep that in mind when I start looking for a promotion."

"In fact, how about you take tomorrow off? Porsche can cover your section so you can spend the afternoon with that boy in the green hat."

"Wait, what?"

"You know, the boy who was freaked out when he saw you working here! Your boyfriend!"

"He's not my boyfriend. We're friends, but we're not dating."

"Oh. Well, you can still take tomorrow off. You've been working hard and you deserve it."

"Thanks, Mercedes."

 _I have to resolve the 'Goth Stan' situation, anyway._

* * *

"Hey, can we get more coffee over here?"

Michael flagged down a waitress, who looked annoyed and exasperated.

"Dammit, are you kids going to sit here all night again and drink six dollars' worth of coffee?! Why don't you get a life?!" She walked away after refilling their mugs.

"Conformist," Michael spat bitterly. "Have fun in your rat-race life, living paycheck to paycheck for corporate gains."

"Yeah," the others agreed. Stan was staring at his cup.

"Dude, you haven't drank your coffee," Pete said, flipping his hair back.

"Well, I don't drink coffee," Stan replied.

"You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee." Stan sighed and took a sip.

The little bell above the door rang as Kyle entered, Kate right behind him. She had her hair in a messy bun instead of her normal side-ponytail, and she was wearing a black dress under her normal purple coat.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, I had to see it to believe it!" Kyle groaned. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul," Stan sighed.

"Goddammit, dude!"

"Your mom and dad want you to come home," Kate tried, pulling Kyle away.

"So they can fill my head with more Disney lies about how _perfect_ the world is? I don't think so!"

"Yeah," Pete agreed. "Why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist assholes?" He flipped his hair (again). "You just don't know what _real_ pain is."

Kate could sense Kyle brimming with anger, so she grabbed his arm to try and calm him down.

"You know what?" she said with her Raisins-girl grin. "Life is pain, guys, but that doesn't mean there aren't things to fix it. Our world is fucked up. Our lives are fucked up. Our _families_ and _friends_ are fucked up. But it's by working through it that everything seems a little less fucked up. Isn't that why you guys stick together?"

The Goth kids looked at each other in surprise. They hadn't expected this little conformist bitch to have insight on the world like that.

"Stan, come back to us," Kyle urged. "Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone cares about you and everyone wants you back."

"What about Wendy?" Stan asked. "Isn't she still with Token?"

"Yeah. She is."

"Then people shouldn't care about me-eeeh. Because I don't care about them. What's the point of caring if all it brings is pain." Kate narrowed her eyes.

"Because, Stan, when people care, it makes some of that pain go away. So Wendy's with Token now. So _what_? Are you going to let someone _else_ dictate the course of the rest of your life? You just need to take it into your own hands."

"That's rich, coming from the girl whose dad chased her around the country for four years. It's safe to say you have daddy issues." Kate stared at the floor and sighed in frustration.

"Okay, I have daddy issues. Unlike you, I didn't have a complete family. I still don't, but at least I appreciate what I have instead of whining about it like a spoiled brat."

"Get out of here, conformist!" sneered Michael.

"Oh, and _you_? Fuck your 'non-conformist' philosophy! By telling him what to do, you're _telling him to be a conformist_." She sighed and turned away. "Let's go, Kyle."

"But—"

"Trust me. We can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Have fun being miserable, Stan."

Kyle nodded and followed her out the door, sending Stan one last look.

"What conformist assholes," Michael declared.

Stan, on the other hand, realized what Kate was trying to say.

 _Wow, no wonder Kyle and Kenny like you._

* * *

The next day, the guys (excluding Stan) were playing football, Kate sitting on the sidelines with a book.

"Okay, it's third down!" Kyle called. "Somebody make a play."

"Hey," Stan said, walking up. "Can I join?" He was back to wearing his normal clothes. Kate hid her smile behind her book.

"What happened?" Kyle asked. "Aren't you still wallowing in pain?"

"Yeah, it still hurts a lot, but… I realized there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life, so… I'd better learn to deal with it the right way." Token and Wendy walked by. "Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch! And Token?" He flipped him off. "Right here, buddy!"

"Jesus Christ," muttered Kate.

"Well, it's good to have you back, dude," Kyle commented.

"Yeah, let's play ball."

* * *

 **And that's my adaptation of "Raisins". Like I said before, I completely replaced the Butters subplot because it was painful to sit through. Instead, the subplot is Kate working at Raisins. Don't worry; she quit after this chapter was over.**

 **Stan: I thought for sure you were going to make me have a rebound crush on Kate.**

 **Me:** _ **Fuck**_ **no! We already have a love triangle with her! Besides, I ship you with Wendy. You'll get back together with her eventually.**

 **Kate: So do I pick Kenny or Kyle?**

 **Me: We don't know yet. We won't know until I close the poll on February 7. That way, I have a solid week to write the Valentine's day chapter. See you next time! So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	15. Uncertainty

**I have a confession to make.**

 **I've been sick for the past three days. As a result, my ability to be creative has dwindled to a much smaller level than usual. That's why the "Raisins" chapter was lacking my usual flair. However, I'm feeling a lot better now.**

 **Having said that, I decided to write a little chapter that's an idea I ran by my idea committee of the real-life Kimmy and our mutual friend, Jewel, AKA Bakurasangel201. Read her** _ **Fairy Tail**_ **stuff; it's really good for someone who's just starting out.**

 **Anyway, I felt this chapter was something I needed to do: a valid excuse for Quinn's behavior in "Quinn Bitch". There** _ **is**_ **one, I promise, and it's a doozy. So yeah, this chapter is from Quinn's point of view, which means we won't get a lot of dialogue or shipping for once. Well, one-sided shipping.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

My name is Quinn Veronica Hart. I'm the daughter of Vera and Thomas Hart, the wealthiest couple in East Park and older sister to Thomas Junior (TJ), and Diana. As a result of my family's… _conservative_ … ways, we have very strict rules on how we are to behave. Diana is the least restricted, since she's only three, but she's not allowed to make a scene, no matter what happens. TJ is the first-born son and expected to follow in Dad's footsteps by being a star football player and successful lawyer—and he's only _six_. I have it the hardest, I guess, since I'm the oldest.

Mom's always saying that I was blessed with beauty, brains, and brawn. I'm pretty, smart, and tough for my age, with plenty of friends to boot. I always thought that was the norm for me. I had to maintain appearances for the sake of the family, hence my determination to be Little Miss Park County. When I entered the pageant this year, I assumed I would win the grand prize once again, bringing victory to my family. Mom coached me through the motions and I was ready to be handed the big check and trophy.

This year was different.

I saw all my usual competition, padding their chests to appeal to the judges or wearing intense amounts of makeup, being coddled by their mothers or coaches or older sisters… and then I saw a certain girl. A certain Jersey girl.

She had long, dark brown hair styled in an elegant up-do, with sparse makeup. She had fair skin with freckles dotting across her nose and cheeks, and the most intense green eyes I'd ever seen. She was easily the prettiest girl there, and the only one I really saw as competition. I knew I had _nothing_ on her. She was too pretty, too amazing. I felt a weird tingling feeling in my chest and… never mind.

"Show some Hart. Victory comes from the Harts."

Dad's words rang in my head and I shook the brunette from my thoughts. She was alone. Nobody had come to root for her. My mother was there, ensuring my hair was perfectly in place and my dress fit correctly.

Before long, we were all called out one by one to pose for the judges. I found out the brunette's name was Katherine, and that she was a bookworm, an actress, and a social butterfly. Smart, beautiful, and a queen bee. Katherine had almost everything I had, and she seemed to have more confidence. I soon noticed a small group of boys in the crowd, watching Katherine with apparent support and attention. I felt… jealous. Not because they were _supporting her_ , but it was almost because they were close to her and _I wasn't_.

I think that was when I began to realize why I got that weird little tingly feeling.

The truth is… I think… I think I was falling for her.

Now, like I said, I come from a very conservative family. Oh, and East Park is disturbingly conservative. Homosexuals are treated like they're called to be in the Bible: namely that they're driven away, harassed, and tortured. Most of them choose to go to more accepting places, but a few are unfortunate enough to stay. On top of that, I go to a very rigid Catholic School with East Park Prep. They treat the issue the same way as the rest of the town, if not _worse_. I mean, there's actual _nuns_ that work as teachers there! That's not even mentioning the fact that the pageant circuit in our area is just as homophobic.

Anyway, the idea that I was beginning to develop feelings for another girl was terrifying.

If I was anything other than straight, my family would disown me. I'd be ostracized by my town, my peers at school, and by the pageant circuit. I needed to crush Katherine. Then maybe those feelings would go away.

I tried confronting her before the swimsuit competition, but she proved to have a spirit to match her appearance. She was, in my mind, the perfect partner. That only made me more determined to crush her. However, we all know how _that_ ended. She took the crown and left the pageant in a storm of glory. Mom was _pissed_ at me for losing my crown to some back-country South Park girl, but I didn't care. Katherine deserved the crown more.

I found out a bit more about Katherine—sorry, _Kate_ —through the newspaper. She was in fourth grade at South Park Elementary, and she lived with her mother and brother in South Park. I knew I had to get closure for my feelings, so when the exchange program popped up, I signed up immediately.

All the week I was at school with them, I acted like a complete and total bitch to Kate in hopes of bringing her down. I spread rumors, harassed her in the hallway, and flirted with a boy she obviously liked. I still ended up falling more and more in my feelings for her, which ended in… well… a big confrontation. I threw a textbook at her and missed, hitting one of her guy friends. I insulted her and we ended up in a fight. I continued to antagonize her and she kicked my ass.

Once I was home, I felt so angry and confused. I wanted to murder Kate for making me feel so confused and kiss her because she was so amazing. I stayed away from South Park for a long time after that, terrified seeing Kate would make me act on my unresolved feelings.

* * *

"Hey, Kate."

She turned to face me, her guy friends backing away as she did.

"Quinn," she greeted me.

"It's, uh, been a while, huh?"

"Yeah. How's your nose?"

"It healed, like you said."

We were silent for a few moments before the fat one sighed and rolled his eyes.

"God, this is boring," he muttered.

"Why are you here, Quinn?" Kate asked.

"I'm here to apologize for how I acted."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You deserved the crown and to win that fight with me."

"Uh… okay."

I stared at the ground. A red-haired girl I didn't know was there, and she was staring at me in a way that made me feel like she was looking directly at my soul. I backed up a bit, uncomfortable.

"Tell the truth!" the girl instructed.

"The truth?"

"You know why you acted the way you did. Admit it to yourself and you'll be happy."

"Um…" I blushed and looked away and Kate gasped.

"Oh. Shit. Well, that's… awkward. Sorry, Quinn."

"You know?"

"Your body language says it all. Sorry, but I don't swing that way."

"Oh, well, that's a relief that you don't think it's weird."

"We can still be friends, though, if you want."

"I'd like that."

* * *

 **Chapter fifteen is again lackluster due to me just not feeling it, but I wanted to get** _ **something**_ **out.**

 **By the way, if you want to vote, vote in the poll on my profile.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	16. Bet on Shakespeare

**So, good news!**

 **I finally got my own computer again! I am officially no longer using an account on my mom's, so I can update a teensy bit more frequently. Chances are that I wrote most of this in the car. I haven't done that since I went to Universal back in January, when I wrote the first two chapters of a** _ **Fairy Tail**_ **fanfiction.**

 **Anyway, so this is a random idea I had. I know I already did a chapter with a play, but I think this one will be better. This is a chapter centering around the drama** _ **outside**_ **of a play, rather than the play itself. What's the play, you may ask?** _ **Romeo and Juliet**_ **, the only Shakespeare play I've ever been in. I played Lady Montague, but that's beside the point.**

 **Premise: Kate gets cast as Juliet in the school's production of** _ **Romeo and Juliet**_ **. She ends up betting her acting career and the name of Shakespeare in South Park on selling out the play. Drama ensues.**

* * *

One of the most coveted stage roles when it came to Shakespeare was that of Juliet in _Romeo and Juliet_. It was the type of classic role that required an actress who knew what she was doing, and one that could go from extremely happy to sobbing sadness on a dime. In other words, it took a talented and well-rounded individual to pull off Juliet Capulet. That was the type of person Miss Jay, the new drama teacher, was looking for and found in Katherine Marie Cartman.

"All right, everyone," she declared. "Rehearsals begin tomorrow afternoon at four, so don't be late!"

"Yes, ma'am!" everyone agreed.

"I'll see you then! Get some sleep and start memorizing the script!"

Kate ran out of the auditorium, feeling extremely excited. Her brother and her friends were waiting for her outside the school.

"How'd it go?" Kyle asked.

"I'm Juliet!" she cheered, jumping up and down. "I'm so ecstatic!"

"Watch out for socks!" Cartman warned.

"I said _ec_ static, not static!"

"Let's go home. I can't believe Mom made me wait for you."

"Miss Jay said I was the best option for playing Juliet!" She pretended to hold a flower. " 'Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.' "

"Romeo's probably going home," Stan replied.

"What?" she inquired, confused.

"You asked where Romeo was. I said he's probably going home after auditions."

"Oh, no! 'Wherefore' means _why_ , not _where_. She's asking why his name is Romeo, meaning _why_ is he a Montague."

"That's dumb," Cartman sneered. "Why does she care what he is?"

"Because _Romeo and Juliet_ is a tragedy about a three-day love affair between two horny teenagers who are forbidden to be together because of a feud between their families."

"Wait, I thought it was a romance," Kyle commented.

"A seventeen-year-old boy seducing a thirteen-year-old girl after he gets rejected by another girl and marrying her in secret? Yeah, _real_ romantic."

"(Juliet's only thirteen?!)" gasped Kenny.

"Yep. Romeo's a creeper, and Juliet's a victim of lust."

"You're so fucking weird," Cartman snorted. "Shakespeare is just a guy with a fetish for writing hot girl characters who are under sixteen."

"He was a creative genius who is unappreciated today!"

"I guarantee you nobody is going to go see this stupid play!"

"Wanna bet?" Cartman stopped and turned to face his sister.

"What are the terms?"

"If I win, you can't make fun of anybody for a week. That includes me, Kenny, and Kyle. And I get to punch you in the face."

"And if I win, you have to admit Shakespeare is lame and give up acting and one other thing to be chosen when I win!"

"Deal. I win if we sell more than three-quarters of the seats. If we don't, you win."

"Deal."

The two shook and Cartman ran for home. Kate staggered backwards, realizing what she'd just done.

"Did I just…"

"Stake your acting career and the reputation of Shakespeare in South Park on if you can sell out an elementary school auditorium?" Stan finished. "Yeah, you did."

"Shit. I don't care if I have to give up acting, but to blaspheme the name of Shakespeare…" She stepped forward and looked up at the sky. "My, what a tangled web we weave."

"We'll help you," Kyle offered.

"You will?"

"Yeah, you have rehearsals, so you can't advertise the play. We'll go out and promote the play."

"You think you can beat Cartman?"

"(Princess, I _know_ we can,)" Kenny assured her.

"Thanks, guys. I'll be sure to tell the rest of the cast about our bet."

"What bet?" Wendy asked, walking up behind them.

"I bet the name of Shakespeare in South Park and my acting career on us selling out at least three-quarters of the auditorium," Kate sighed.

"With who?"

"Cartman." Wendy's eyes widened and she gripped Kate's shoulders.

"Katherine Cartman, you do _not_ make bets against Eric. He will _lie and cheat his way to victory_ , and nobody will care except you."

"I've got backup."

"Well, as 'Lady Capulet', I am obligated to ensure my stage daughter succeeds. You have the backup of the rest of the Girls."

"Thanks, Wendy." Kate turned to the boys. "Let's go. We have work to do."

* * *

The following afternoon, Kate arrived at rehearsal five minutes early. Most of the rest of the cast was there, including Seth Parker, her costar and the most popular boy in the fifth grade.

"Hey, guys," she greeted them. "I have some news."

"W-what is it?" Butters asked from his place in the corner. He was playing Count Paris.

"I… made a bet with someone. If we don't sell out at least three-quarters of the auditorium every night of the performance, I have to blaspheme the name of Shakespeare and… give up acting."

"WHAT?!" gasped Seth, leaping to his feet. "Kate! _Why_ would you make such a bet?!"

"My brother was annoying me and I wanted him to shut up."

"N-no, Kate!" Butters stammered. "You don't make bets against Eric. He'll _humiliate you_ in the worst way he can. Ask Kyle."

"I can handle it, Butters," Kate assured him. "I have a team of people working on promoting the play. They don't want Cartman to win, either."

"Right!" Wendy agreed, coming to Kate's side. "We have to work our asses off to make sure this is the best production of _Romeo and Juliet_ —no, the best production _ever_ put onstage in South Park!"

"Are you all with us?!" Kate asked.

"YEAH!" the cast cheered.

"Right! Let's get to work!"

* * *

For a few weeks, everything was going well. Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and the Girls were promoting the play like crazy on the outside, while Kate and the rest of the cast were working their asses off, like Wendy had said. Their play was going for a Steampunk theme, with a full-on tango in the middle of the party scene and real food and drink onstage. It seemed like they were going to win the bet.

That was before the big announcement from Miss Jay.

"All right, everyone!" she sang, clapping her hands. "I have some big news!" The cast gathered around. "Now, I know you've all been working hard, and apparently, someone else does, too. He's suggested we move the play to the big theater in town and perform it there! It's three times the size of our little auditorium!"

Kate got a chill up her spine as she stared at the drama teacher in horror. Her eyes moved to the back of the auditorium, where Cartman was sitting in one of the seats with an evil smirk on his face. He mouthed 'fuck you, bitch' and flipped her off as he slipped out of the room.

* * *

"That fucking son of a gun!" Kate swore, roundhouse-kicking a dummy she had in the basement. She and Kenny were prepping for patrol. A recent rise in crime had left her unable to be as effective, so she and Kenny had decided to train for half an hour before patrol each night.

"Don't you mean son of a _bitch_?" Kenny asked, retrieving his costume from its box.

"No, because Mom isn't a bitch. I have no idea who his dad is."

"Jack Tenorman."

"Oh. Who the fuck is that?"

"He used to be a member of the Denver Broncos who lived here in South Park. Then his son, Scott, got on Cartman's bad side. He and his wife ended up being made into chili that Cartman fed to Scott."

"What the fuck?!"

"Anyway, I heard something from Clyde. He said that Cartman's planning to publish your diary in a daily column in the newspaper if he wins."

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! HOW DOES HE KNOW WHERE MY DIARY IS?!"

"That's not important. What's important is you _have_ to win!"

"Kenny, how does Cartman know where my diary is?"

"He… he snuck in your room while you were at the library one time. He found it and read a few entries aloud to me and Kyle—" Kate's face crumpled and she sat down.

"I'm going to lose," she whimpered. "Cartman's going to make sure of it, and he's going to completely and totally humiliate me."

"Hey." Kenny gripped her shoulders. "I believe in you, Princess. You're the best goddamn Juliet South Park's ever had, and you're going to sell out all those seats. I promise."

"I don't set much stock in your promises, Kenny. You promised me you wouldn't ever kill yourself and you did." He sighed and sat down next to her before slipping an arm around her shoulders.

"Hey, you're my partner and my sort-of girlfriend. I'm legally obligated to make sure you succeed."

"And since you're my partner and my sort-of boyfriend, I'm legally obligated to trust you have a plan?"

"I do."

* * *

After the play was moved to the large theater, the cast had to relearn all the blocking due to the increased size of the stage, as well as rechoreograph the tango. It was still going well, but strange things started happening. For one thing, somehow, the costumes disappeared, meaning they had to remake them until the originals were found in the Dumpster behind the school. Props went missing all the time, and a bar of lights nearly crushed Seth and Butters while they were rehearsing their swordfight. While nobody came right out and _said it_ , they all knew Cartman was behind the occurrences.

Kate was a nervous wreck all through Tech Week, and on the night of Grand Dress, Kyle came in to give her the number of presold tickets for opening night.

"Well," he sighed. "So far, we've sold about half the seats. A bunch of people will probably buy tickets at the door."

"Kyle, I can't lose this bet," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "Do you know what Cartman's going to do as per the third prize in our bet?"

"No, what?"

"He's going to publish my diary in the newspaper."

"That son of a bitch!" Kyle almost snapped his clipboard in half. "Don't worry, Kate! I won't let that happen!"

"Kyle, he's too good at this. I can't win."

"No! I won't let him beat you!"

"The only way to sell out every night is to give them away for free." Kyle suddenly grabbed Kate's cheeks.

"That's it! You're a genius, babe!" He pulled her in and kissed her. " _God_ , I love you! I've gotta go!" He ran out of the room, leaving the brunette feeling dazed.

* * *

On opening night, Kate was doing her pre-show ritual, hoping it would bring her luck, before she headed into the cast room. She sat down in one of the chairs just as the door burst open and Kyle dashed in, Kenny and Stan hot on his heels.

"KATE!" he panted. "We did it!"

"Did what?!" she asked, alarmed.

"We sold out for tonight and the next _two_ nights! The final night is still up in the air, but we did it!"

"Oh my God!"

"I didn't do anything!" Stan claimed.

"Yes, you did!" Wendy squealed, running over and hugging him before giving him a kiss on the cheek. Kate put a trash can in front of Stan just in time, since he threw up right after.

"It was Kenny's idea," Kyle told Kate.

"(And Kyle paid for it,)" Kenny added. Kate hugged them both and then kissed each of them. Both boys turned bright pink and she did, too.

* * *

On the final night of the performance, they sold out exactly three-quarters of the auditorium. It seemed like they weren't going to win, but then Cartman bought a ticket, just so he could gloat when Kate lost. That put them over the top and they were able to win.

"And never was there more of a tale of woe than that of Juliet and her Romeo," finished Token, who was playing Prince Escalus. The crowd clapped and cheered as the cast came out for bows. Cartman went backstage, where the cast was waiting to hear the results of the bet.

"So, how badly did Kate lose?" Cartman asked.

"She didn't," Wendy sneered.

"What?!"

"I didn't lose, you fat fuck," Kate repeated. "You bought the last ticket I needed to win."

"WHAT?! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS?!"

"Simple. I had help."

"YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" Cartman yelled, lunging for his friends. Suddenly, a fist made contact with his face and he fell backwards.

"As per the terms of our bet, I punched you in the face," Kate declared. "Now you can't make fun of anyone for a week. If you do, I'll tell Mom you read and tried to _publish_ my very private, _personal_ diary, okay?"

"Fine," Cartman grumbled.

"Now get out of here, you fucking fatass."

* * *

 **The ending is pretty good, I think.**

 **Anyway, guess what? There's now an official Tumblr for this story! Check out katherinemariecartman on Tumblr to ask me questions and see Kate's official design!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	17. Lockdown

**This arc is going to be serious one, even more serious than the last multi-chapter arc I did. This is going to bring an end to Mike Silverton. I told you all we weren't done with him when he got sent to prison, and I wasn't lying. This is something I've wanted to do for a while, and I wanted to give him a satisfying death for us since he's done so much to Kate and her birth mother.**

 **This is a two-parter, so keep checking for part two.**

* * *

"So what is the product of 217 and 7?" Mr. Garrison asked his class. "Anybody know? Anybody?"

Before anybody could raise their hands, the intercom crackled to life.

"Uh, could you send Katherine and Eric Cartman to the counselor's office, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey stated. "Thanks."

"Eric, Katherine, you can go," Mr. Garrison sighed.

The Cartman siblings slid out of their desks and headed out of the room. When they got there, they were surprised to find several police officers and their mother. Neither of them had done anything illegal recently, so why were there cops?"

"Would the two of you please sit down?" Chief Harris instructed, gesturing to the two chairs in front of him. They obliged. "I'm afraid we have some sad news. Early this morning, Katherine's birth mother was found severely beaten and unresponsive in her home." Kate's eyes widened. "We believe it may have been connected to your father's arrest a couple months ago, and we're worried they may come for you next."

"Why do I have to be here?" Cartman grumbled.

"As part of Katherine's family, you need to hear this, because we think they may target you to get to her."

"What the fuck?!"

"Eric!" gasped Liane.

"Until we get more information on Lisa's attacker, all three of you must remain in your home. Police guards will be on duty 24/7 to ensure your safety and you may have visitors that you inform us of. Go back to your classroom and gather your belongings before we take you home."

Kate was in shock as they walked back to Mr. Garrison's room. Cartman tried to get her to talk, but it didn't work. A pair of officers were right behind them as they entered the classroom.

"Why are there police officers here?" whispered Tweek frantically.

"Cartman's probably getting arrested for something he dragged Kate into," Kyle hissed.

"Excuse me, officer," Mr. Garrison said, approaching them. "Where are you taking my best student? I highly doubt she's done anything wrong."

"I'm afraid neither of these two will be attending school for an indefinite amount of time," Officer Jackson informed the teacher. "They'll be under lockdown."

"Oh, jeez…"

"Come on, you two," Officer Jackson said to Kate and Cartman. "Let's get going before traffic gets bad."

"I can't believe Cartman got Kate arrested!" snapped Kyle. "That fucking asshole!"

"Let's go talk to their mom," Stan suggested. "Maybe _she_ knows what happened. Or Kate's birth mom."

* * *

As they arrived at Lisa Meyercheck's, however, it was apparent that wasn't an option. There were officers combing the property and police tape everywhere. On top of that, one of the windows was broken and there was blood on the steps.

"(Dude, what the fuck happened?!)" Kenny yelped.

"I don't know," Kyle replied. "Let's get to Kate and Cartman's house."

That proved to be a problem, as there were a few cops there as well. They weren't searching for anything, though. They were… guarding the house. When the three boys approached, the officers stepped into their path.

"State your name and business!" one of them declared.

"Uh, we're Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, here to see Ms. Cartman," Stan said, confused.

"We're afraid you're not cleared by the residents here to enter this home."

"What the fuck is going on?!" Kyle groaned.

"It's cool, officers," Cartman called from the door. "They can all come in, even the Jersey ginger Jew."

"If you say so," the cop sighed. He and the other officers stepped aside and let them through. Cartman shut the door behind them.

"Dude, I thought you got arrested!" Stan said.

"And where's Kate?"

"She's in her room. We're apparently on lockdown here."

"Is she okay?" Kyle asked.

"I don't think so, boys," sighed Liane. "She went up to her room as soon as the nice policemen brought us home and she hasn't done or said anything since. I think she's in shock."

"Why are you guys on lockdown?" Stan inquired.

"Did you see Lisa's house on the way here? They found her severely beaten and unresponsive this morning. They think it has something to do with Kate's father."

"But Mike's in prison!"

"I'll go talk to her," Kyle offered.

"Good idea. You can keep her company for a little while."

Kyle went upstairs and into Kate's room, where he found the girl he liked lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She had a blank stare, her normally-bright eyes dull and her arms spread across the comforter.

"Hey, Kate," Kyle greeted her gently.

"Hi, Kyle," she deadpanned.

"I know you're feeling really depressed right now, but I know you can get through this. You're the toughest person I know. You're _best friends_ with the Princess of Hell, you took out a secretly-lesbian beauty queen who tried to hurt you, you shot your own father and held a gun to his head, you survived a death curse, you fight crime on a nightly basis, you almost got _murdered_ at the age of five, and you can beat up Cartman like it's nothing!"

"I'm not tough, Kyle," she sighed.

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"You're strong and beautiful. That's why I like you."

"Kyle… I'm not tough because if I was, I would've shot Mike in the head when we had him down. I would've ended it all right there, but I didn't. Why?"

"I know why. It's because you're a good person. You didn't kill him because that's not who you are."

"What if it is? What if I'm destined to be like my dad?"

"Hey." He hopped up on the bed as she sat up. "You are _nothing_ like your dad. That bastard tried to kill and rape you because he's an irredeemable asshole of a pedophile."

"I know." She stared at her bare feet and sighed.

"I've got an idea. How about we spend the night and cheer you up?"

"How?"

"We'll pop popcorn and watch your favorite movies or something! What do you say?"

"Okay." She gave a half-smile. "That sounds fun. I don't know if Cartman will go for it, though…"

"He will, or he'll have _us_ to deal with. Don't worry."

"He'll probably tell you, 'fuck off, Jew! This is my house!' or something like that."

"Yeah, probably." There was awkward silence before Kyle slid off the bed. "I'll go talk to Stan and Kenny and call my mom to see if I can spend the night."

"Okay."

* * *

Of course Sheila was more than willing to let her son spend the night. He explained what was going on to the best of his ability and she was as chill with it as she'd been when he'd wanted to support Kate during her father's trial. Sharon Marsh and Carol McCormick were okay with their kids spending the night, too, so they set up camp in the living room. It was the first time they'd had a sleepover at Cartman's since Kate had moved to South Park, and their first sleepover with her there.

"What are we going to watch?" Stan asked Kyle.

"I don't know," Kyle replied. "It's Kate's pick, and I have no idea what movies she likes."

"She likes Japanese shit, like _Sailor Moon_ and _Puella Magi Madoka Magica_ , whatever that is," Cartman replied. "I have no idea what she'll pick, either, but it'll be lame as fuck." A pillow flew into his face from the stairs. Kate was standing there in a set of red-and-white cherry-print pajamas, looking really cute.

"Shut up, fatass!" she snapped, hopping onto the floor.

"Whatever, Jersey Whore. What did you pick, anyway?"

"I picked something from the Studio Ghibli collection I got for Christmas from Mother." Her face crumpled and Kenny ran over to comfort her.

"Just pick out the movie," he told her. "We'll watch whatever you pick." Kate swallowed and nodded, grabbing a DVD off the shelf.

" _Spirited Away_ ," she said. "One of the best Ghibli films ever made, and the only one to win an Academy Award."

"What's it about?" Stan inquired.

"It's about a girl named Chihiro who is basically forced to work as a prostitute in a bathhouse for spirits in order to break a curse on her parents, who were turned into pigs."

"WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN?!" yelled Cartman.

"That's what I said when I found out about the movie being a parallel to the sex industry in Japan." She popped the movie in. "I'll go get the popcorn!"

By the end of the movie, Kate had fallen asleep with her head on Kenny's shoulder, and he laid her on her sleeping bag.

"She's had a long day," he sighed. "She deserves to sleep well."

"Whatever," Cartman muttered. "I think something bad's going to happen tonight."

"Nothing bad's going to happen," Kyle scoffed. "There's police all over the place outside and we're surrounding her in here."

"Exactly. Bad things."

"Shut the fuck up and go to sleep."

* * *

The next morning, Kate was up before any of the boys. She went up to her room and pulled out her phone to call Hell's Pass Hospital.

" _Hell's Pass Hospital,_ " the woman on the other end answered.

"Hi, my name is Katherine Cartman," Kate began. "I'm calling to check on the condition of Lisa Meyercheck."

" _What is your relation to the patient?_ "

"I'm her daughter." The receptionist paused.

" _How old are you, sweetheart?_ "

"I'm nine. How is my mother?"

" _Give me a moment._ " There was the clacking of keys in the background as the woman checked the database. " _Lisa Meyercheck, 30 years old. Severely injured as a result of assault and battery. I'm afraid she's still unconscious, according to the system._ "

"Okay. Thank you."

" _Have a nice day._ "

Kate hung up and put her phone beside her. She shook her head before a feeling settled over her. She crept over to her closet and grabbed the baseball bat she'd 'borrowed' from Cartman's closet (not that he ever really used it) just as someone came through the window. He fell to the floor and rubbed the back of his head as he got to his feet. Kate rushed forwards and hit him on the head again.

"OW!" he yelped.

"I'm not going down without a fight!" she declared, preparing to strike again.

"Hey! I'm not here to hurt you, Rin!"

Only one person had ever called her Rin. It was somebody she'd trusted for years, and the one man she would _ever_ depend on completely.

"Uncle Pete?" she asked, still gripping the bat.

"Hey, Rin," he said, getting to his feet.

Pete was Lisa's older brother, and he had been the one to help Kate and Lisa escape Mike back when Kate had almost died. He'd helped them out as much as he could, and if Kate was going to call anybody her dad, it was him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, putting down the bat and helping him to his feet.

"I got a call from your mom the other day, saying she felt like somebody was watching her. I got into town this morning, found her unconscious and bloody in her house, and called the cops. I've been at the police station all day."

"How did you find me?"

"You don't think your mom told me who she gave my favorite niece to?" He patted her on the head.

"I'm your only niece, dumbass."

"I know. All the other kids in our family are nephews."

"Anyway, why are you here?"

"Do you want the smartass answer or the straightforward answer?"

"Straightforward, please."

"Your mom asked me to keep an eye on you if something happened. I wanted to talk to you so you could give me clearance into the house."

"Okay. Now you have to go back out the window and go through the police barricade like a normal person."

"You got it, Rin. Although, I'm not really a _normal person_."

"You're from South Park. Of course you aren't."

"Ha." He headed up to the window. "See ya, Rin."

Kate ran downstairs and ballet-tip-toed around her brother and his friends. She looked out the window to see Pete talking to the cops before she opened the door.

"Is he okay?" Officer Jennings asked.

"He's fine!" Kate called. "Let him in!"

Pete came in just as Kyle woke up. The red-haired boy rubbed his eyes.

"Kate, who the fuck is that?" he asked.

"This is my Uncle Pete," she replied. "He's my birth mother's brother, and he's here to help keep an eye on me."

"Oh. Okay."

Unfortunately, even with all the extra protection, it turned out that Kate wasn't safe.

She went missing two days later.

* * *

 **Boom. Ending.**

 **Part 2 will have more action, and it will also reveal some stuff about Kimmy and Kate's past.**

 **So long and thanks for all the—**

 **Kyle: Hey! This is the longest thing you've ever written!**

 **Me: Oh, shit, you're right! So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	18. Damn, It Feels Good to be a Gangster

**Part 2.**

* * *

"We need to find out what happened to Kate."

Kyle went upstairs into Kate's room, followed by Stan, Kenny, and Pete. Cartman had gone off with the police to answer questions about his sister's disappearance. Kate's room hadn't been touched in the investigation, but there was still hope for clues in her room.

"Kimmy is going to be pissed," mentioned Pete, picking a picture up off the floor. "Those two have been friends for a long time and Kimmy is very protective."

"I remember what happened last time she got pissed at somebody," Stan commented. "He ended up with severe burns."

"(What's this?)" Kenny asked, pulling a book off the shelf. It was large and had no title.

"That's Rin's scrapbook," Pete replied. "She's held onto it ever since her grandmother taught her how to make one."

"It just occurred to me," Kyle sighed. "We barely know _anything_ about Kate. She doesn't like to talk about the past."

"That's Rin for you—always looking to the future, and never to the past."

Kenny opened the scrapbook and started looking through it. There were several pictures of Lisa, Kate, and Pete in front of landmarks, and a couple of Kate looking out the window of a moving car. Then, there was something strange. It was a page of instructions, written in dark red ink on parchment paper. At the bottom was a drawing of a pentagram made with glitter.

"What's this?" Stan inquired.

"It's a… summoning ritual," Kyle stated, confused. "According to this, we can summon Kimmy."

"(What do we need?)" Kenny asked.

"Pixie Stix sugar and glitter, and we need to set it on fire."

"Figures," Pete sighed. "I'd better head to my hotel room and get my gun. You boys get the components for the ritual and get Kimmy here. She'll help us."

It was decided that they would perform the ritual in the Cartmans' basement to avoid being caught by any adults, plus Kimmy would most likely be annoyed with them summoning her. They followed the instructions to the letter and the glitter and sugar shot into the air and swirled as the heat hit them, Kimmy rising from the storm. She looked incredibly annoyed that she'd been summoned out of the blue.

"Why were you snooping through Kate's stuff?" she asked. "She's the only one who had the sheet for the ritual."

"Kate's missing and we need your help," Kyle replied.

"What."

"We think it has something to do with Mike."

"How do you know about Mike? That bastard should be long gone."

"He's in prison, but we think he sent somebody to grab Kate."

"It wouldn't surprise me. It's because of that bastard Kate and I met, anyway."

"How _did_ you meet?" Stan inquired.

"Kate should really tell you what happened."

"If it's about him almost murdering and raping her, we already know," Kyle snapped.

"Kate almost died that day, and the doctors said she had no shot at making it. I got booted from Hell as a punishment from my brother and appeared in the house. It's because of me that Kate's even around today. I used my powers to heal her injuries to the point where she could live, and in return, she became my best friend the entire time I was exiled from Hell."

"So, where would he take Kate?"

"Somewhere out of the way, but in plain sight. Probably the home of one of his henchmen, most likely somewhere extravagant, like a mansion on the edge of town, where nobody will interrupt what they're doing."

"Can't you track her?!"

"No, I can't. Not without information from somebody who knows."

"What about Mike?"

"Nope, sorry. Again, not without information."

"(Pete'll be back soon,)" Kenny pointed out. "(We should talk to him.)"

"Pete's in town?" Kimmy asked, tilting her head. "Huh. Weird. I haven't seen him since New Orleans."

"He went to grab a gun at his hotel room," Stan explained. "Now, are you going to help us or not?"

"Sure. Clean up the pentagram first. Trust me, you don't want to keep it open for long. Beelzebub won't be far behind me. He never is once I've been summoned."

As if to close the portal, Kenny scuffed the edge of the circle. The sugar and glitter calmed down and landed on the floor. Kimmy snapped her fingers and it was all put back into the original containers. She swept her long red hair up into a ponytail.

"Let's get down to business," she declared. "Where are there mansions nearby? They won't have gone too far from South Park, since Lisa's still here."

"How'd you know that?" Stan asked.

"Kate sent me a message in flame the day of the attack. She asked me to stay in Hell, though, since she didn't want her dad or his cronies getting ahold of me."

"That's Kate for you," Kyle laughed half-heartedly.

"I don't think she wants you guys getting involved either. It's a family thing."

"We get it, but Kate's like family to us. I like her, and so does Kenny." Kimmy narrowed her eyes at Kenny before turning her back to them.

"I'll help, but right after, I'm going back to Hell."

"Got it."

Within about twenty minutes, Pete arrived back at the house, his gun in his belt. Cartman and Liane also came back, Liane crying hard about her daughter's disappearance. She ended up going to bed early, while Cartman was filled in on the plan and invited to come along. He accepted, if only to beat the shit out of some people without getting in major trouble.

"Pete, you know how these guys function," Kimmy stated. "Why do you need me?"

"You're Kate's best friend, aren't you? I figured you'd like to help save her."

"Technically, I'm not allowed to interfere in human affairs like this. If it's to save her life in an extreme case, yes, I'm allowed to help. I can't kill anybody who isn't directly threatening the life of a human."

"You are the _worst_ demon ever," Cartman grumbled.

"Shut up, fatboy."

"HEY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU FUCKING DEMON-GINGER BITCH!"

Pete went out to his car and the kids got in the back. It was a heavily-armored SUV, obviously meant for protection. Pete proved to be a great driver, too, despite his obvious stress with the current situation. Kyle gave him directions to the area of town where Kate was most likely to be. Sure enough, there were suspicious-looking guys outside the house, apparently guarding it from intruders. All of them had a stereotypically-Jersey look—overly-muscled, overly-tanned, overly-gelled hair… and overly-small brains.

"That's Nicky, Ollie, and Vinny," whispered Pete. "They're the lowest-ranking guys on the totem pole in Mike's gang. Of course they'd have guard duty."

"Gang?" Stan asked.

"Mike's a big-time gangster back in Jersey. That's why he's rich, and he wants to get even richer by selling Rin."

"And he's a pedophile," Kyle added.

"That too." Pete double-checked. "Okay, you kids are going in. Kimmy and I will take care of the guards." He tossed her a gun. "Since you can't really use your powers."

"Sweet, dude," she replied with a smirk.

"Let's go."

Pete and Kimmy rushed in, guns blazing. Nicky, Ollie, and Vinny started fighting back, but Pete and Kimmy proved to be much smarter. While the guards were distracted, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman snuck by them and into the house.

* * *

Now, with all this, you're probably wondering what happened to Kate. How did she get kidnapped with all the protection around her? Is she okay, or is she dead? Has she kicked anybody in the balls yet? Well, the answers are simple. She's okay, and yes, she kicked a couple guys in the balls. But… she wasn't kidnapped. No, not the former Jersey girl/gangster princess. She knew the longer she hid behind closed doors, the more danger the people she cared about would be in. When Pete showed up to protect her, she came up with a plan. She allowed them to kidnap her in order to find out more about their plan. Currently, she was tied up in a room in the house, more bored and annoyed than scared and struggling.

"You ain't gettin' out of here, you little bitch," Ricky, one of the big guns in her father's gang, told her.

"Yeah, whatever," she muttered.

"Your uncle ain't savin' you, either. Nobody's comin' for ya."

"And I said whatever."

"I'd better call your daddy and let him know we gotcha."

"You do that."

Ricky pulled out his phone and hit a few buttons.

"Yeah, boss. We got her. She's in the house."

"And bored out of my mind."

"And apparently, she thinks being kidnapped and held against her will is boring. We'll hold her until you get here." He hung up. "You think you're hot shit, don't you?"

"No, I just know you and all of Mike's people are grossly incompetent."

"You little—" He shook his head, trying not to lose his temper. "Listen, you little brat. Your daddy's gonna finish the job he started four years ago, and you're gonna take it like a good little whore."

Suddenly, his phone went off.

"What?!" he asked.

" _Ricky! We need backup out here!_ " the man on the other end pleaded. Kate could hear gunfire on the other side. " _It's Pete and that little demon!_ "

"Dammit! Why are you all so useless?!" He hung up and turned to Kate. "You stay here. I'll be back in five minutes."

"Oh, I'm so able to go somewhere else."

Ricky ran out the door, gun in hand, and Kate proceeded to stare at the floor and count the tiles. There wasn't much else to do.

 _Oh, yeah. If I don't get out of here, I'm going to be a rape victim._

From the waistband of her jeans, she pulled out the pocketknife she'd stashed there for safekeeping and started cutting the ropes holding her hands. Once that was done, she started untying herself. Ricky came in just as she retrieved her backpack from the corner of the room.

"HEY! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU ESCAPE, YOU LITTLE _CUNT_?!"

"Simple. Like I said, you and the others are grossly incompetent."

Ricky rushed forwards and went for Kate's neck. She pulled out her gun and shot him in the thigh. She only wanted to fatally shoot one person today, and that person was her father.

"KATE?!" Kyle's voice yelped from the hall. Kate grabbed the ropes from the chair where she'd escaped and hog-tied Ricky, sticking a strip of duct tape across his mouth.

"I'm in here!" she called.

Her brother and friends rushed in to find her dusting off her hands and putting on her backpack. They stared at her in shock.

"What? Let's go help Pete and Kimmy." She left the room, the boys following her out of confusion and curiosity. Outside, they found Nicky, Ollie, and Vinny injured and groaning in pain. Kimmy was nowhere to be found, but Pete was severely injured. Kate gasped.

"Uncle Pete!" she squeaked.

"Rin," he groaned. "Get out of here."

"No, we're getting you out, too." She turned to the boys. "Help me get him in the car."

They managed to get Pete into the SUV and Kate took the driver's seat.

"Okay, I can't do this alone. Stan, you need to work the pedals. Kenny, keep the assholes off our tail. Kyle, you and Cartman take care of Pete. There should be a first-aid kit in my backpack."

"Okay!" Kyle opened Kate's backpack and pulled out the first-aid kit. Kate turned the key in the ignition and Stan hit the gas as Kenny sat shotgun, ironically holding Kate's handgun.

"Why does _Kinney_ get to hold the gun?!" whined Cartman.

"Because he's the best shot we've got and I have to drive!" Kate snapped.

"I could drive!"

"No, you couldn't. You don't even—"

"Sorry to interrupt the brother-sister lovefest, but can we focus on _not_ getting murdered by gangsters?!" Stan yelled.

"Sorry, Stan."

Gunshots rang out behind them as there was a screeching of tires.

"Fuck!" Kate swore, making a sharp turn onto a side street. Kenny had a clear shot at one of the other drivers and took it, causing the driver to crash the car. "Nice shot, Kenny!"

"Thanks, Princess!" he replied, pulling off his hood so he had better visibility.

"There," Kyle declared, cutting the bandages. Pete was all patched up.

"I can take the wheel, Rin," he told his niece.

"Okay. That means I can take out a few of these bastards, too."

It was an awkward process to switch seats, but they managed to do it. Kate and Kenny took the backseat, each handling a window and a gun. Cartman clutched the seat he was on, holding on for his life. Kyle handled giving Pete tips on where to turn, while Stan kept an eye out for cops. Each of the shooters managed to cause a couple of their pursuers to crash into trees or buildings.

"WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!" screeched Cartman, sobbing and clutching his sister's coat. She elbowed him in the ribs to get him to let go.

Suddenly, Pete's phone went off in the backseat and Cartman grabbed it.

"Hello?" he asked, putting it on speakerphone.

" _Hello, you fuckers,_ " Mike said on the other end. " _You have something that belongs to me._ "

"FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE!" Kate yelled. "I BELONG TO NO-ONE!"

" _You fucking bitch. You don't talk to me like that! I am your father!_ "

"If anybody's a dad to me, it's Uncle Pete. Now shut the fuck up. I'm trying to concentrate on killing you."

" _Oh, that's adorable, Katherine. You think you can kill me!_ "

"Bitch, I _know_ I can."

"Yeah!" Kyle and Stan agreed.

"Fuck off, Mike!" Kenny added.

" _Oh, you're_ **all** _going to get it. Especially the little whore._ "

"HEY!" Kenny and Kyle shouted in unison. "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT!"

"Jesus Christ, you're not helping," muttered Kate.

" _Turn her in and I'll leave you and your families alone._ "

"Maybe we should listen to him," Kate said, motioning towards the 'end call' button.

"WHAT THE HELL, KATE?!" Stan gasped.

"He'll leave us alone." She picked up the phone. "Meet us at the warehouse where you got arrested and we'll settle this."

" _Good. Glad to know you inherited my sense._ " There was a click and the call ended. Kate smirked as the pursuers backed off.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, KATE?!" Kenny yelled.

"I have a plan. You didn't _actually_ think I'd turn myself over to that psycho, did you? That's how I got into that house in the first place."

"Wait, you _planned_ that?!" yelped Kyle.

"Duh. If I had hid much longer, they would've gone after you guys."

"I both want to kill you and kiss you," Kenny sighed.

"Hey, hands off my niece!" Pete called. "Where's that warehouse you mentioned, Rin?"

"32 Elm. That's where I shot him in the thigh."

"Good to know you're putting the training I gave you to use."

"The more I find out about you, the more scared I am of you," Stan admitted to Kate.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get to the warehouse."

At the warehouse, Mike and two of his cronies were waiting. Pete and the boys let Kate go ahead in order to keep up the illusion that they were surrendering.

"Ah, if it isn't the bitch-whore baby," snickered Ricky. "You gotta lotta nerve showin' up."

"Say what you want about me, but I keep my goddamn promises," Kate replied, shaking her head. She cracked her knuckles, signaling for the guys to attack. "And that promise is that I'm taking Mike down."

Cartman, Stan, and Pete tag-teamed the big guy, a man named Bobby who didn't seem too bright. Kyle and Kenny took on Ricky, leaving Kate to face Mike by herself. Mike narrowed his eyes and cracked his neck before rushing forward to punch his daughter in the face. She dodged it, narrowly, and he let out a growl.

"DIE, YOU BITCH!"

"I don't think so!"

She kicked him in the back.

"That was for Mother!" A blow landed on the back of his head. "That's for Uncle Pete!" Another on his balls. " _That_ was for my friends! And this?" She pulled out her gun and aimed it right between his eyes. " _This is for me_."

 _ **BANG!**_

Mike slumped onto the floor, blood pouring from the wound. Kate stepped on his throat, making sure he couldn't breathe as he died. The boys stared at her in shock as Ricky and Bobby surrendered.

* * *

 _A week later…_

"I'm proud of you, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Mommy." Kate smiled at Lisa, who was still recovering in the hospital.

"Now that your father's dead, we can rest easily. His gang members are loyal, but not so much so that they'll come after you."

"That's good."

"Now, about your uncle…"

"Uncle Pete went back to New Jersey. He said you've gotta go back too, once you're healed up. Apparently, all of Mike's money and property went to you since you guys never formally divorced."

"Oh, good. I can finally start paying child support to you."

Kate exited the room.

"How's Lisa?" Kyle asked.

"She's gonna be just fine."

"And you?" They started walking towards the elevator.

"What about me?"

"Are you okay? Any guilt over what happened?"

"Hell no. I've been waiting to do that for a long time. Besides… it's not like I'm the only one in our group with a criminal record."

"That's true." The elevator arrived and they got on. "You're not even the only one in our group to have killed someone."

"Let me guess: Cartman has the highest body count."

"Exactly."

"Well, at least it's just one guy on my count. And he deserved it."

"Agreed. Fucker."

* * *

 **And that concludes this arc** _ **and**_ **Mike Silverton! If you're wondering why Kimmy disappeared, it's because she was severely injured and had to go back to Hell to heal. Also, she's jealous because Kenny has a crush on her best friend and Kimmy has a crush on Kenny.**

 **Next time, I think I'll add a new adult character. Not a family member of anybody; just a new neighbor who happens to be an artist/supergeek.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	19. From Colorado to Jersey

"Listen to Lisa."

"Okay."

"Be nice to each other."

"Sure."

"Have a safe trip!"

Liane hugged both of her children as the call for the flight to Newark came over the intercom.

"I love you both! Behave!"

"We will, Mom," Kate replied with a smile.

"We will, Mom," Cartman echoed.

"Hurry up!" Stan called, slightly annoyed that they were taking so long.

"We're coming!" Kate shot back. "Bye, Mama. I love you!" She ran off as Cartman rushed after her. They boarded the plane and Kate took her seat by the window. Kenny sat right next to her, with Stan and Kyle across the aisle and Lisa and Cartman in front of Kate and Kenny. It was a normal flight, and when they touched down in New Jersey, they exited the plane without any problems.

Pete was waiting outside with his SUV, one that looked shockingly new and… _not_ riddled with bullet holes. Lisa hugged her brother, and they got into the car. Cartman claimed one of the middle seats, as did Stan, leaving Kate to sit in between Kenny and Kyle. It was warmer in Jersey, so none of them were wearing their typical cold-weather clothing. No, instead, they wore T-shirts and jeans.

"So, this is Jersey," Cartman commented, looking out the window. "It's… less trashy than I'd thought it'd be."

"Yeah, why isn't anybody humping or punching each other?" Stan inquired.

"Those are the poorer and richer parts of Jersey," Pete replied. "This is the middle-class area. We're heading to Mike's house in the richer part." He shuddered, as did Kate. Kenny and Kyle each put an arm around her, glaring at each other.

"The rest of the family will be there tomorrow," Lisa informed them. "My side of the family is already there. Mike's side is the one arriving."

"Oh, _joy_ ," muttered Kate. "Time spent with Alli and Nikki and Luci…"

"Be nice," warned her birth mother.

"Only if they will."

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL?!" gasped Kyle as they pulled up to the 'house'. Really, a better word for it was ' _mansion_ ', given the size and scope.

"This is it," Kate sighed. Pete parked the car and a woman ran out of the house. She had pale brown hair to match Lisa and Pete's, with the same freckles and pale skin.

"LISA! PETE!" she yelled as everyone got out of the car.

"Haley!" Lisa squealed, hugging the woman. Kate landed on the ground and caught the woman's attention.

"KATHERINE!" she wailed, picking up Kate. "OH MY GOODNESS! I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!"

"Hi, Aunt Haley," Kate greeted her.

"Oh, you all have to come inside! Leave the bags to Greg and Lucas!"

"Mom!" whined a boy with dark blonde hair, coming out with a blonde-haired man.

"Take care of their bags, Lucas," Haley instructed. "South Park is a long way from here, and I'm sure they're tired from their flight." She smiled brightly at the visitors. "Come in!"

"S'up, Kate?" Lucas greeted her, giving her a fist bump.

"Glad to see you grew out of that lisp," Kate teased.

"Yep. Glad to see you have your two front teeth."

She stuck out her tongue as she and the others entered the house.

The inside was extremely impressive. There was a chandelier in the entryway, with a grand staircase leading upstairs and other doors leading elsewhere in the house. The boys just stared, completely blindsided by the appearance of the place. Kate let out a sigh of frustration and started pushing.

"Guys, can we get settled before we start admiring the house?" she asked.

"Sure!" stammered Kyle.

"Great. Guest rooms are this way." She walked up the stairs, the boys sticking close since they were afraid of breaking shit. "My guess is Aunt Haley and Uncle Greg took the guest room near the master bedroom and gave one of the other two down there to Lucas."

"Correct!" Haley chirped. "Isn't my niece the smartest cookie in the jar?! That means you boys will be taking the rooms near Kate's, across the hall. The others are for _Mike's_ family."

"Wait, my room hasn't been cleared out?" Kate inquired.

"Nope! It's just the way you left it."

Kate ran down the hall, followed by the boys. She opened the door to reveal a pink-and-purple room, with pictures covered in dust. It looked like it belonged to a five-year-old, complete with a closet that contained at least half a dozen frilly dresses and a mountain of stuffed animals on the bed. Kate smiled as she picked up a bear.

"Uh, where are our rooms?" Stan asked.

"There's one on either side of mine," Kate replied, tucking the bear into her backpack. "Each of them have a set of twin beds, so nobody has to share. Lucas is sharing with Pete, I guess."

"I call rooming with Kyle!" yelled Stan, running to the left of Kate's room. Kyle shrugged and followed his best friend. Kenny and Cartman headed to the right and Kate closed the door behind them.

* * *

I looked around the room I'd left almost five years ago. Like Aunt Haley had said, it was exactly as I'd left it. I sat down in one of the beanbag chairs I'd begged my mother for as a small child. She'd agreed, much to my happiness. Once I was comfortable, I pulled the bear out of my bag and cradled it to my chest.

This bear was the one thing Mike had ever given me that made me feel like he actually cared. I was still a baby when he'd given it to me as a present, and I'd slept with it until I left New Jersey. What happened to that guy? The guy who gave his newborn daughter a teddy bear, who actually gave a damn if she lived or died, who loved his wife?

Aunt Haley used to tell me stories about Mike and my birth mother, how they were the top-dog power couple in high school right after the Meyerchecks moved from South Park to New Jersey. Mike was apparently the most doting father-to-be possible while Lisa was pregnant. Something changed, though, at least that's what Pete told me on the road. It was as if Mike became a completely different person when I was about a year old. I asked Lisa about it, and she confirmed that Mike had always been abusive. It just hadn't gotten physical until after I was born.

 _What happened?_

The difference was me. Maybe Mike got physically abusive after I was born because he'd wanted a boy he could turn into his little clone/soldier/minion and not a girl who looked like his wife. I mean, the only thing we had in common was our dark brown hair. Maybe he hated me because he thought Lisa had cheated on him.

 _I thought every guy except Uncle Pete was an asshole._

That was before Kyle, Kenny, and Stan came into my life. They made me realize not every guy was a complete asshat, and that I didn't need to follow Lisa and Mike's example of a relationship.

Before I could go deeper into my own thoughts, there was a knock on the door.

"Uh, Kate?" Kyle's voice said on the other side. "Haley says dinner's ready."

"Okay!" I called. "I'll be there in a moment."

 _Yeah. Not every guy is an asshat._

* * *

Dinner was a loud affair. Haley, Greg, and Lucas had come in from New York City, while Chris, his wife, and their kids were still living in the area. Danny, Ethan, and Barrett were their kids, with Arianna, their mom, being pregnant with a fourth. Lucas was nine, and Danny was eleven. Barrett was the oldest kid in attendance, at fourteen. Ethan was just five. While the adults talked after dinner, Kate and the other kids went into the backyard, where Barrett started a fire in the little firepit.

"Are you sure it's okay to do that?" Kate asked.

"What?" Barrett laughed. "Nobody's gonna stop us." He looked at her weirdly. "I still can't believe you're my baby cousin. Last time I saw you was when you were in the hospital after what Uncle Mike did."

"Who are you guys?" Lucas asked Stan.

"We're Kate's friends," Kyle replied. "Except Cartman."

"Shut up, Kyel!" snapped Cartman. "She's my sister!"

"Sister, huh?" Barrett grabbed Kate and started noogieing her. "This kid?!"

"Barrett!" she whined, laughing as she wrenched away from him.

Inside, the adults were talking to Lisa about Kate.

"So, Lis, how has Kate been?" Arianna asked.

"She's been well. She's adjusted well to living in South Park, much better than I'd thought she would."

"I told you when that kid was a toddler," Chris commented. "She's a South Park kid through-and-through, and she was going to end up there eventually. Speaking of South Park, how are our old friends?"

"Well, Liane is fine; she's actually the one who adopted Kate while I was still running from Mike." Chris choked on his beer.

"Whoa, Liane's still around?!" Haley gasped. "I thought she'd have caught an STD by now!"

"Oh, no, she's even a mother. The chubby kid with us is her son, Eric."

"And the other three?"

"Kate's closest friends—Stan, Kenny, and Kyle."

"They seem sweet," Arianna commented.

"Oh, according to Kate, those three are _very_ sweet. Eric is… _not._ "

* * *

Later that night, Kate cleared the stuffed animals off her bed and got into it. It was just as comfortable as she remembered, but she wasn't quite able to get to sleep. She was about to see the fully-Jersey side of her family for the first time in almost five years, and she _knew_ how crazy they could get. In a fit of nervousness, she headed downstairs to the kitchen, where she found some ice cream in the freezer. She sat down at the kitchen island and started eating it straight out of the carton. She was so preoccupied in her own thoughts that she didn't notice her South Park family (her brother and her friends) enter the kitchen.

"Hey, leave some for the rest of us!" Cartman whined. She jumped and covered her mouth with a squeal.

"What the fuck?!" she hissed. "Why did you scare me like that?"

"What are you doing in the kitchen at two in the morning?" Stan asked.

"…"

"Are you okay?" Kyle inquired.

"…no. I'm not. I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?"

"My fully-Jersey side of the family. I just know they're going to blame me and Mother for what happened to Mike, and I'm scared of my cousins on that side of the family. If you thought _Quinn_ was bitchy, she's got _nothing_ on those girls."

"We're here for you," Kenny assured her, hopping up on the stool next to her with a spoon.

"Fuck that; I'm here for the ice cream," Cartman sneered.

Kate let out a little chuckle at that.

"I wouldn't expect anything else from you," she told her brother.

* * *

The next day, Kate was in the game room with the boys, playing on the old arcade machines Mike had collected before he died. Lucas was playing head-to-head air hockey against Stan while Kenny and Kyle were watching Kate. Cartman just took advantage of the unlimited plays on the _Dragon's Lair_ machine. That was before they heard the doorbell ring.

"Kate!" Lisa called. "Your other cousins are here!"

"Let's get this over with," Kate sighed, taking a deep breath. Cartman went to move onto her machine as she hopped off the stool and headed out of the room.

In the entryway, Kate saw three girls her age—the triplets, Alli, Nikki, and Luci. All three of them were dressed to the nines, but not too much tan or makeup yet. She gave them a gentle smile.

"Kati!" shrieked the one in pink, hugging Kate.

"Ugh… hi, Nikki," Kate gasped. "You're—oof—crushing my ribcage!"

"Sorry, babe!" Luci, the triplet in blue, giggled, pulling Nikki off Kate. Alli, who wore green, stared at the ground. "It's just been so long!"

"Be nice to Kate," warned the triplets' mother, Rosie. "She hasn't been in Jersey for a while, so don't overwhelm her."

"I'm going to the game room!" Kate announced, remembering how much her cousins hated video games.

"We'll go with you!" Luci replied, pulling Alli along as Nikki walked behind Kate.

In the game room, the triplets stared, open-mouthed, at the South Park boys (naturally, excluding Cartman). Alli covered her face and hid behind Kate, who gave her an odd look.

"Uh…" Kyle said, looking at the triplets. "Hi?" Nikki blushed and looked away.

Kate, of course, facepalmed.

* * *

Kate's oldest cousin out of all of them, Anne-Maria (who was sixteen), was the last to arrive with her twelve-year-old brother, Xavier. Anne-Maria was definitely the stereotypical Jersey girl to the core, from her hairsprayed-till-diamond-solid hair to the orange-ass tan. It was easy to see why Kate didn't like that side of her family, especially when Luci started flirting with Stan, who gently turned her down.

All throughout the trip, Kate was either giving her old possessions to family members (Arianna was having a girl, Pete's second niece) or packing away the ones she wanted to take back to South Park with her. The boys were forced to entertain her female cousins if Kate was busy doing that, and on the last day, they were glad to be leaving that side of Kate's family behind.

"I'll see you in a few days," Pete told Kate. "I'm driving your stuff to South Park and Haley will take you all to the airport on their way back to New York."

"Thanks, Uncle Pete."

"Be good for your mom."

"Which one?"

"Ha, ha!" He gave her a hug. "Love you, Rin!"

"Bye, Uncle Pete!"

* * *

That afternoon, Kate said goodbye to the rest of her family, including Lisa, who'd decided to stay in New Jersey.

"Aw, that trip was _sweet_!" Cartman commented on the flight. "I got Luci, Nikki, _and_ Alli's phone numbers!"

"You know they're technically _your_ cousins too, right?" Kyle asked.

"Dammit!" Cartman had a sour look on his face. "Well, maybe I can sell them to Clyde or Butters when we get home."

"You do that," Kate sighed, shaking her head. She looked out the window and blinked.

 _Was someone just… standing on a cloud?! No… that's impossible…_

And so they flew back to Denver.

* * *

 **Okay, so I know I said I would add a new character… and I did. Never mind. Anyway, lots of Kate stuff this chapter, and next chapter will be my twentieth. I'm planning to do a special for that, one that was actually slightly set up in the end of this chapter.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	20. Don't Fuck with the Cartmans

***blows noisemaker* Happy twentieth-chapter special! *puts cake on the table with the computer* Enjoy!**

 **So, originally, this was going to be a time-travel chapter to celebrate reaching number twenty, but then I realized some difficulties I'd have in doing that. Sorry, but I decided to just have this chapter take place entirely in the future. I'm not sure about driving laws in Colorado, so I just put it as the same as where I'm from—you can get a permit at fifteen, and after you've had that for six months, you can get a restricted license. After you have the restricted license for six months, you can take another test to get your full license. This is the logic the story operates on and you can all deal with it.**

 _ **DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE GOING BACK TO FOURTH GRADE AFTER THIS CHAPTER.**_

* * *

High school.

For many, the mere _mention_ of the place sends shivers down their spines, remembering a time where the entire _world_ seemed against you, where social standing had nothing to do with your merits as a person. For others (mainly those who haven't been through high school yet), it's a fantastical place where everybody gets along and only a few people are actually mean.

However, there's no denying that high school is an important place in everyone's lives.

Hence why Park County Schools had made the _genius_ decision to only have _one_ high school in the entire district. Kids from the four areas of Park County (North Park, East Park, West Park, and South Park) eventually went to this massive school, and they all hated it for several reasons. South Park and West Park had substantially less money than the 'old money' East Park and 'new money' North Park. West Park was the ghetto of Park County, with South Park representing the 'normal' sector. Naturally, throwing these kids from all these different backgrounds onto one campus provided lots of friction.

Yes, friction, and some of it _wasn't bad_. Some of it was romantic, but most of it was from people not being able to get along.

Of course, friction could also mean rubber tires against the pavement…

 _SCREEEECH_!

Kate held onto her seat for dear life as Cartman wove through the traffic on the way to school. Kimmy was in the backseat, where she'd taken every seatbelt possible to strap herself to the center seat for fear of being in a crash.

"SLOW DOWN!" Kate yelled at her brother. He slammed on the brakes, and she almost hit her head on the dashboard. She shot him a glare.

"Get your license and I won't drive you!" he shot back.

"I'm working on it!"

"Goddammit…" He sighed as he slowly pressed on the gas.

"Why can't I ride the bus, again?"

"Because you sit next to a possible rapist on the bus."

"… I sit next to Kenny."

"Exactly. Possible rapist."

" _Not every guy is a rapist_!"

Yes, Katherine and Eric Cartman were still arguing as only siblings can, but things had changed since elementary school. For one thing, puberty had hit both of them, and been extremely kind. Kate was widely considered the most attractive girl in their class while Cartman hadn't exactly _lost weight_ , but now the weight was mostly in muscle.

Now, you're probably wondering what's up with the rapist allegations from Cartman. Well, after the 'Puberty Troll' decided to hit Kate the summer before eighth grade, he essentially became a stereotypical older brother—overprotective as _fuck_. Despite the fact that she could still quite easily kick his ass, he wanted to prove that she still needed backup, and that he was her backup. If anybody messed with Kate, they had _him_ to answer to—and he had no problem kicking the shit out of guys who tried to pull stuff with her. Unfortunately, he saw most guys that showed interest in her as bad people who didn't _deserve_ to be near his little sister.

Cartman parked the car in the student lot. Kimmy unbuckled all her seatbelts and got out of the car, quickly clinging to Kate out of fear.

"I _really_ hate being in a human high school," she groaned. "Why did my brother send me here?"

"Because you fucked up and killed a demon?" Kate joked.

"It wasn't a _real_ demon. It was the Bubblegum-Pink Bitch-Princess, Kelly."

"It's a punishment."

"Hmmph."

Almost as soon as they headed towards the school, the bus from their neighborhood showed up, their friends getting off it. Kyle, Kenny, and Stan headed towards the Cartman siblings, all looking much older. Stan, especially, seemed to have gotten more muscular over time, while Kyle and Kenny had gotten taller. Kenny had long since ditched his trademark orange parka and replaced it with an orange hoodie. He'd claimed the parka was cursed and everyone laughed.

"I see you're not dead yet," Kyle joked to Kate.

"Nope," she replied. "I might be, though, if Cartman doesn't get his shit together."

"Hey, I got you both here in one piece, didn't I?" Cartman asked.

"Barely."

"Bitch."

"If I'm such a bitch, then I'll just catch the bus and sit with Kenny again." She crossed her arms and Cartman backed off.

"Fine. I'm sorry."

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes. "I'm just in a bad mood. Josh hacked through the block on my phone again."

"Haven't you blocked him eight times already?" Kyle inquired, looking concerned. "If you need us to send him a message, we can."

"No, I can handle it. He's just been asking me out through corny pickup lines, thinly-veiled innuendoes, and other shit like that."

"Well, we're getting a higher-quality filter on your phone," Kenny told her sternly. "He shouldn't be able to hack it like that."

"He's an asshole," Stan agreed. "Even at football practice, he's always talking about how _he's_ going to be the one to break you of the 'not ready to date' thing."

"Who's Josh?" Cartman asked, looking angry.

"He's just some asshole who thinks he's God's gift to mankind, and that he can have any girl he wants. I'm handling it the best I can."

"What about your gun?" Kenny suggested

"I haven't even _touched_ that thing since fifth grade," Kate snorted. "I don't exactly need to carry it around all the time anymore."

"I'd lay off a lot more if you did," Cartman tried.

"Plus, they'd probably search my bag on a day when I had it and I'd get busted." She shook her head. "We'd better get to class. No skipping today, okay?"

Some things never changed, and the fact that the boys were scared of Kate certainly hadn't. However, she'd taken the position of 'mother hen', making sure they kept safe (especially Kenny, despite the fact that he'd only died once since they'd entered high school six months prior).

Speaking of moms, that was another change for Kate and Cartman. Liane had gotten married while they were in sixth grade, and her husband had taken the last name Cartman rather than make her or her kids change theirs. Who was this man who had enough patience to deal with Eric Cartman, and overlooked Kate's past without a second thought? Why, it was Peter Meyercheck, Kate's dear Uncle Pete! He was now her stepfather as well as her uncle. But that's another story.

Right now, onto high school.

* * *

"Kate!"

Kate looked over the desks to see Quinn in her normal seat. The blonde was smiling brightly, and she was happier than usual.

"Hey, Q!" Kate greeted the former beauty queen. "Did something good happen?"

"You could say that," Quinn giggled. "I have a girlfriend!"

"Congrats!"

Quinn had accidentally come out of the closet in middle school, when she was stressed out from her female 'friends' teasing her about not having a boyfriend. She'd screamed, "Because I prefer _girls_!" and that had been that. Just like she'd feared, her parents disowned her, but she ended up living with her aunt in the far-less-homophobic North Park. Because of this, she'd decided to accept the fact that she batted for the same team and been teased mercilessly until Kate stepped in at the beginning of the year.

"Is she anybody I know?" Kate asked.

"Maybe. Her name is Bebe Stevens." Kate gasped and squealed.

"Q! That's amazing! I hope you don't mind her shopping addiction!"

"That's how we met, actually. We've been seeing each other for a while now, and it just became official last night."

"Well, I hope you're happy together."

"And what about you, Kenny, and Kyle?"

"What about us?"

"Any word on that little three-way?"

"I told you, it's not like that."

"C'mon. Kenny's a pervert, and Kyle's got anger issues. Neither of them are perfect, but you can't seem to choose."

"Ugh…" Kate banged her head on the desk.

"I'm just teasing, Katie Cat. I know you're still not ready for a regular relationship, much less a _three-way_."

"Jokes are supposed to be funny."

"Is Cartman a joke?"

"Why?"

"Because he's funny- _looking_."

Kate snorted out a laugh and covered her mouth as she snickered.

"Sorry. He just almost killed me while he was driving this morning, and Josh hacked my messages again."

"Lemme guess—another dick pic?"

"And a video of him… you know…" She sighed and shook her head. "He doesn't want to take no for an answer, and he seems to think I'll just sleep with him on the first date once he wears me down."

"Have you told your brother about it? He'd gladly beat the shit out of him."

"I want to deal with this on my own. I haven't even told Kenny and Kyle everything because I know they'll either tell Cartman and Stan and I don't want to deal with that fallout, or they'll try to beat the shit out of Josh themselves and I don't want them to get expelled or arrested for fighting."

"Aw… do you want _me_ to do something?"

"No."

"Then why the fuck are you telling me?"

"Because you know how to keep your damn mouth shut, and I don't need this getting out."

"But the dick pics and video are sexual harassment! You could show them to the counselor and get his ass suspended."

"I'd rather turn him from a rooster to a hen, but I don't have my gun."

"Whatever. He hasn't done anything to _physically_ harass you, has he?"

"No, not yet. I'm sure it's just a matter of time until he does."

* * *

At lunch, Kate was sitting alone. None of her friends, male _or_ female, had the same lunch she did, so she always sat alone. As usual, she had her nose in a book as she ate her lunch. Unlike usual, however, Josh chose to approach her.

"S'up, Kate?" he asked flirtatiously. She ignored him and ate a potato chip. "Oh, quiet, huh? Must be tough to be so sexy and not talk. You don't even answer my messages…" Again, silence. "C'mon, babe. I know you have a voice, or did you wear it out screaming my name as you watched my little video?" Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she snapped her book shut and stood up.

"I'm leaving," she stated. "I'm not going to date you."

"I don't want you to be my girlfriend!" he snapped, grabbing her wrist and yanking her across the table. "I want to fuck you."

"And I said that's not going to happen! Let go of me!"

"Not until you agree to meet me after school in the parking lot." He started to bend her arm, and she found herself unable to fight back. "Oh, and just for good measure, if you say no again, I'll bust your fucking arm, whore."

"Okay!" she yelped in pain. "I'll do it." She nodded and he released her.

"See you, babe. Looking forward to breaking you in."

Kate clenched her fist and ran for the safety of the library. Once she was in one of the study rooms, she whipped out her phone and sent a group message to Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Quinn.

 _ **Kate: Meet me in the library during 5**_ _ **th**_ _ **period.**_

 _ **Kenny: What happened?**_

 _ **Kyle: What's wrong?**_

 _ **Kate: I just need to talk to you all.**_

 _ **Cartman: We'll be there, even if I have to knock out the teacher to do it.**_

 _ **Stan: Don't assault teachers, fatass; you'll get arrested again.**_

 _ **Cartman: DON'T CALL ME FAT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE**_

 _ **Quinn: I'm already in there today. Room 5?**_

 _ **Kate: Yeah, room 5.**_

True to their word, everyone showed up during 5th period. Kate was still a little shaken-up from her encounter with Josh, and Quinn gave her a hug.

"What happened?" Kenny asked, repeating his question from the group message.

"Josh happened, I bet," Quinn sighed. "Bebe told me what he did, and _right_ in the middle of the cafeteria, too!"

"What did that bastard do?" Kyle snarled.

"He grabbed my wrist and threatened to bust my arm if I didn't meet him in the parking lot after school."

"Where is he?!" Cartman yelled. "I'll bust _his_ arm for that!"

"Are you going to tell us the rest?" Quinn inquired.

"…no. I can't. Can you?"

"Yeah." Quinn turned to face the others. "Apparently, Josh has been sexually harassing her through messaging for weeks. It was just dick pics, but then he sent her a video of him… you know…"

"Sicko!" Stan spat angrily.

"It's an East Park guy thing. They still adhere to practically _medieval_ moral standards, and Josh thinks every girl has to say yes."

"I'll murder him myself!" Kenny declared.

"No, I have an idea," Kate assured them. "But unfortunately, I need my gun." She looked at Cartman. "I'll meet him in the parking lot, but I'll tell him to meet me at our house. Is the hole still in the basement?"

"Ha, ha, what hole?!" Cartman laughed nervously.

"You know what hole. We're dropping Josh down it."

"I like this plan," laughed Kenny.

"Let's do it."

Cartman, Quinn, and Kimmy hopped in the car after school while Kate went over to Josh, who was waiting by his car. He had a perverted grin as he looked her up and down.

"Can we do this somewhere else?" Kate asked. "I need to get home."

"Sure. How about your house, then?"

"That sounds great." She took out a piece of paper and wrote down her address. "Here. This is where I live. Come by in about an hour."

"You got it, baby." He smirked as she turned around to get into Cartman's car before he grabbed her ass. She let out a yelp and glared. She shook her head and ran for the 'safety' (I mean, it's still _Cartman_ behind the wheel) of her brother's car.

"Did he fall for it?" Quinn asked.

"Yep," Kate replied. "I gave him our address. Are Mom and Dad home?"

"Nah, they took off on a business trip earlier," Cartman informed her.

"Good. We don't need witnesses, though given _your_ criminal record and lack of arrests, I wouldn't be surprised if we got off scot-free."

"Why do you need your gun?" Kimmy inquired.

"I'm loading it with Dad's blanks. I want to scare him, not scar him. This is a warning to him and any other assholes who want to try this shit that South Park girls are _not_ to be messed with."

"Shit, remind me not to piss you off."

"Noted."

* * *

Josh double-checked the address on the paper as he pulled up to the green house. The lights were on, so he got out and went to the door. After he rang the doorbell, it was opened by Kate, who gave him a warm smile. He followed her inside and realized that her family was _middle-class_. It was to be expected—after all, she lived in the Redneck Capital of Park County. Most families in the area were middle-class.

"Shall we take this upstairs?" Josh asked with a suggestive smirk.

"I was thinking we'd go _down_." Suddenly the lights flashed off and Josh felt a cloth over his mouth.

" _Go to sleep, semen-puking-asshole dickhead,_ " he heard Eric Cartman's voice say as he blacked out.

When Josh came to, he was in a hole that had been dug in the ground. He looked up and realized it was somebody's basement he was trapped in. Frantically, he went for his phone and found it missing.

 _Okay, Josh. Calm down. Your phone is missing. You're stuck in a hole. The girl whose pants you've been trying to get into for months has a sociopathic brother who knocked you out. Wait,_ **why should I be calm about this shit?!**

"Oh, good, he's awake!" he heard Quinn Hart say. He looked up to see the girl he'd tortured in middle school grinning like a victorious hunter.

 _Oh, fuck, that dyke? Queer Quinn?_

"Can I burn him?" Kimmy Morningstar inquired.

 _The demonic bitch, too?_

"Let's wait for Kate to finish up," Kyle Broflovski chuckled.

 _And the Jew-fag…?_

"I get first shot at him," Kenny McCormick snarled.

 _Ugh, welfare kid._

" _After_ Kate," Stan Marsh corrected.

 _Dude, you're my teammate! You're supposed to back me up!_

"Is he awake?" came Kate's voice from somewhere away from the top of the hole.

"He's up, Katie Cat!" Quinn called.

"Good." He heard footsteps—two sets, one light, one heavy. Before long, Kate's face came over the top of the hole. "Hello, Jackass Josh."

"God, I didn't know you were into that kind of shit!" he laughed.

"What kind of shit?"

"Orgies. BDSM."

"Oh, no, that's not what this is, Josh."

"Then what is it?"

"This is why you don't mess with girls from South Park." She pulled something out of her pocket.

A gun.

"HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE GOING TO _KILL_ ME?!"

"Yep. This is the only way to make sure you don't mess with me or anybody else ever again."

"Th-think this through! You'll get arrested!"

"No, I won't." She smirked sadistically. "Goodbye, Josh."

He ducked his head and whimpered as Kate cocked the gun.

 _ **BANG!**_

No pain.

He looked around and didn't see any bullet-holes.

 _Wait, she fired the gun, right?!_

"I'm not a murderer," she sighed. "They're blanks, dumbass."

"So you aren't going to kill me?!"

"No, but if I hear about you _harassing_ girls like you did to me again, I might change my mind."

"All this was to teach me a lesson…"

"Yeah. You're lucky I told these guys to lay off. You would've been beaten to death otherwise."

"Can I _please_ set him on fire?!" Kimmy begged.

"No, but each of you can get in one hit."

The next day, Josh showed up to school with several bruises all over his body. He avoided Kate like the plague, which confused his friends. When one of them asked what had happened the day before, Josh just dodged the question.

"Don't fuck with the Cartman family," he told the guy. "Just don't, especially not with Kate."

Kate silently fist-bumped Quinn.

* * *

 **Okay, so that's the high-school chapter…**

 **I'm sorry this took so fucking long, but I got writer's block and ended up rewriting the second half of this chapter.**

 **So, yeah, several things have changed since they were in fourth grade. Kate and Quinn now get along great; in fact, Quinn is Kate's human female best friend (hence the nicknames). Yes, Kimmy goes to high school. She got in trouble for murdering a fellow demon, so her brother sentenced her to four years of human high school _without her powers_. Pete being Cartman and Kate's stepdad is something I've wanted to include for a while now, and it's finally here! Yay! Okay, that's it.**

 **By the way, the Kenny-or-Kyle poll ends on February 1** **st** **, so make sure to vote by then! Next chapter will either be based off "Marjorine" or** _ **Stick of Truth**_ **.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	21. The Stick of Truth

**So a common request I've been getting is to write chapters based off** _ **The Stick of Truth**_ **and** _ **The Fractured But Whole**_ **. I've been wanting to do them for a while, so the asks were the perfect opportunity.**

 **Originally, I wasn't going to write them until after the Kenny-Kyle poll ended, because Kate would logically side with whoever she was dating (unless it was Kyle in** _ **The Fractured But Whole**_ **, because she's Mysterion's partner, not Human Kite's.) Then I came up with a way with her to be a neutral party in both cases. She's like the New Kid, except she knows the people she's playing with** _ **very well**_ **. She knows Cartman doesn't play fair, and that the others won't either. She also knows my version of the New Kid (it's a kid-raised-on-the-run thing; they were bound to have crossed paths once or twice) and wants them to be a neutral party like her.**

 **That being said, my version of the New Kid is a girl named Mikayla. She goes by the nickname "Mickey" (which is also my mother's nickname, oddly enough) and is viewed as male due to her preference of boy's clothing. I've said enough for now.**

 **Oh, wait! This chapter details the Kate section of my version of** _ **The Stick of Truth**_ **, since I don't have the time or patience to go through the game's script. Not only that, but it will only go into detail on scenes I found amazingly awesome, like the battle against Kenny at Clyde's fortress. Kate will have a big role and a few key scenes. This includes her meeting Mickey again, so don't judge it too harshly.**

 _ **Bold Italics=Facebook Message from Mickey**_

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

Mickey walked through town, still trying to figure out her place in everything that was going on. As much as she hated Cartman and wanted to side with Kyle and the Elves, there were a couple humans she actually felt like she could be friends with: Butters, Tweek, Craig, Scott Malkinson, Token… It was a hard choice. Even Kenny seemed like somebody she wanted on her side, but Kyle, Stan, and Jimmy were good guys. She sighed and sat on a doorstep in an alley. She wasn't ready to choose, but time was running out. She only had until the end of the day.

 _What should I do?_

She remembered something both Butters and Jimmy had mentioned, about a neutral party in their game who was difficult to find. According to them, this neutral party was both oracle and mercenary, taking the side of whoever they felt like at the time. They were powerful and unpredictable, an ally both sides coveted and feared. If anybody would help Mickey make her choice, it was the Mercenary Oracle. They could look to the future and see both outcomes, or even team up with her and whichever side they picked.

 _Yeah. The Mercenary Oracle. I'll find them_.

"Oh my God— _Mickey_?!"

Mickey jerked her head up at the familiar voice. She knew that voice. It was Kate Meyercheck, a girl who had also grown up moving from town to town. Sure enough, the brunette was standing over her, a shocked expression on her face.

"It _is_ you!" she sighed happily. "I can't believe you're in South Park!" Mickey gave her a look, confused as to why _she_ was there. "I moved here a few months ago. Judging by your costume, the guys roped you into our game, didn't they?"

Mickey nodded, her strawberry blonde curls bouncing from where they didn't quite fit under her hat.

"Figures."

Mickey's phone buzzed with a friend request. The name was 'Kate Cartman'. She snapped her head up and stared at Kate in shock before sending a Facebook message.

 _'_ _ **Cartman'? As in, the Wizard King?**_

"Yeah, it's a long story. Short version: my birth mom sent me to South Park so I could have a steady home and I got adopted by her old friend, Liane Cartman. The 'Wizard King' is my brother as a result." She tapped her chin. "Wait, you looked like you were facing a tough decision. What's wrong?"

 _ **I have to choose a side: Humans or Elves. I have until sundown. I was hoping to find the Mercenary Oracle to help me, but I don't know how.**_

Kate looked around. Not seeing anybody else around, she grabbed Mickey's hand.

"Come with me. I can help you."

Not having any other options, Mickey scrambled to her feet and followed the other girl. Kate led Mickey to Cartman's house, where they went upstairs instead of into the backyard. Thankfully, none of the Humans spotted either of them. In Kate's room, Mickey was sat in the desk chair while Kate shut herself in the closet. When she came back out, she was in a costume for the game.

"I'm the Mercenary Oracle," she said, grabbing a brush. She brushed out her hair, making it smooth and shiny. Instead of putting it in its usual side ponytail, she kept it out of her face with a headband before putting it in a side braid. She looked very much the part of a warrior girl. Mickey pulled her phone back out and started texting.

 _ **I have a problem. I was hoping you could help me.**_

"You said you had to pick a side? I almost did, too. Then I thought it'd be more fun to fuck with everybody by being unpredictable."

 _ **Help me! I can't decide who to pick!**_

"You see, that's where it gets simple. _Don't_."

 _ **What?**_

"Instead of picking a side for real, be in the middle and _pretend_ to side with somebody. Something bad is happening with the Stick, and I need to figure out what it is. I have a plan, though, so you actually came at the right time."

 _ **What's the plan?**_

Kate pulled a whiteboard out of the closet and began drawing. When she finished, there was a diagram of the school and a bunch of warriors.

"Okay. So, my plan required two people, which is perfect since I have you. One of us—" she drew a picture of a stick figure with a braid "—joins the Elves, and the other joins the Humans." She added a curly-haired stick figure. "We'll fight to get to our classroom, and then we'll take down the leaders. I don't want to hurt Kyle, but all's fair in love and war. Anyway, once we take them down, you and I take the Stick and keep it safe until the boys get bored. Which, if I know them, will only take a week once the Stick is in my possession. They all know better than to touch my shit."

 _ **You scare me a little.**_

"Mickey, I scare _everybody_ a little. So, are you in?"

 _ **Yeah. I like your plan.**_

"Now, which side do you want to take?"

 _ **I want to say the Elves, but I don't want to hurt Butters, Token, Tweek, Craig, or Kenny.**_

"Makes sense. I wanted to side with the Humans, anyway, so you can take the Elves, okay?"

 _ **Okay. I trust you.**_

* * *

That evening, Mickey walked up to the school with the Elves behind her. Like the Humans, the Elves had no idea she was actually a girl. She felt like the only girl they allowed in the game was Kate, and that was only because they were most likely afraid of the consequences if they didn't. One of the Elves blew the horn of battle, and the Humans prepared to defend the school.

Inside, fighting the Humans turned out to be easy. She suspected Kate was calling the shots, as opposed to Cartman. She'd listen to Kate over Cartman any day. Still, Kate didn't make it _too_ easy, and she still ended up with a few injuries before she arrived at the classroom. Kate and Cartman arrived at the same time.

"Oh, _fuck_ no!" Kyle snapped, pointing at Cartman and Kate. "You did _not_ convince her to fight against me!"

"No, she decided on her _own_ , Kyel," Cartman replied smugly. "I guess she prefers Kinney. Or she just has a fucking _brain_. She knows you wouldn't hurt her if your life depended on it."

Kate bit her thumb, which was the agreed-upon signal to attack. Quickly, she swept Cartman's legs out from under him, making him fall to the floor with a thud. Mickey did the same to Kyle, who Kate quickly pinned to the floor.

"Is it weird I've had dreams about this?" Kyle laughed nervously. Kate rolled her eyes.

"Get the Stick," she ordered Mickey.

"What the fuck, Kate?!" whined Cartman.

"I'm sick of all the fighting," she snapped at him. "I asked Mickey to help me end it."

"Wait, your name's _Mickey_?" Kyle asked, looking at the curly-haired girl.

"That's not the point, Kyle," Kate said, before looking at the desks. "Wait, something's wrong."

"You're damn right something's wrong!" Cartman wheezed, struggling to his feet. "I just got my ass handed to me by my _little sister_!"

"No, not that. That's normal. What I mean is that our desks don't have insides—they only have tabletops." She got off Kyle and went over to the desks. Her gaze landed on one of them. "Clyde's desk says something." She tilted her head to see it better. " 'Check my locker.' Oh, shit."

After helping Cartman and Kyle up, they ran out of the room to Clyde's locker, where Kate opened it without any issue. They were greeted by a laptop that contained a video message. The message basically said, 'Fuck you guys. I have the Stick and you can all _suck my balls_.'

"MOTHERFUCKER!" cursed Cartman.

At Clyde's, they found a _massive_ Fortress of Darkness, which was populated by various kids Mickey didn't recognize. Clyde himself was standing with a smug expression, his gaze traveling from person to person until Kate.

"Clyde, you _butt-fucker_!" yelled Cartman. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I'm taking my rightful place as the dark ruler of the universe," replied Clyde. He pointed to Kate with the Stick of Truth. "And I want a queen to go with it."

"She wouldn't even be queen of the _Elves_!" Kyle snapped. "What makes you think she'd be your 'dark queen'?!"

"Because he's on a serious power trip and needs somebody to smack him back down to Earth," Kate sighed in frustration. "I'm still not doing it."

"Suit yourself, baby!" Clyde called. "You'll miss out on all _this_!" He gestured to himself.

"I'll live, thanks."

"Besides, you're _too late_!"

Before anybody knew what was happening, they realized that they were out past their bedtime. Kate and Cartman ran for home, their mother rushing after them, chiding them for being out so late. Even Mickey's parents showed up to drag their daughter home.

* * *

The next day, Mickey went to Kyle's house, where Kate was in the front row waiting for her.

"Hey, Mick," the brunette greeted her. "Saved you a seat!"

Mickey took the seat, and she could feel everybody's eyes on her. She slid down in her seat.

"Dude, you fucked up," Cartman sneered from Mickey's other side. Kate got out of her chair and made a fist.

"You wanna repeat that, fatboy?" she asked.

"No, ma'am!" he whimpered.

 _ **Thanks, Kate.**_

"You're welcome, Mick."

Kyle got up in front of the crowd and began talking about Clyde's fortress of darkness. Cartman made fun of him for using PowerPoint and an argument broke out when Kyle declared that their two factions would have to join forces in order to kick Clyde's ass. It escalated quickly, and Mickey could tell Kate was getting agitated. When Kyle got off the platform in the front to get in Cartman's face, Kate got out of her chair and stood on the platform in Kyle's place before she let out a loud whistle by sticking two fingers in her mouth. That got everybody's attention.

"WILL YOU ALL FUCKING LISTEN?!" she yelled, her voice reaching every person there. The boys stopped fighting and stared. "There. Listen. Clyde is deciding to be a dick and we need to kick his ass before this escalates. You all saw what that green stuff can do. If we don't do something, all of South Park is going to become Nazi Zombie capital of the world and the start of something _much worse_."

"And what are you suggesting?" Cartman asked his sister.

"We'll storm the fortress and take Clyde down."

"Right," Kyle agreed, coming up next to her. "We'll recruit more factions to help—the Pirates, the Federation, and… the Girls."

"The Girls are _not_ going to fucking play with us, _Kyel_!" snapped Cartman.

"Maybe not, but the New Kid has a power we have yet to understand." He gestured to Mickey. "He makes friends on Facebook faster than anyone we've ever seen."

"He _is_ really good at making Facebook friends, I'll give him that."

"So, New Kid, do you accept your task? Recruit the Girls and bring them here."

Mickey gulped and nodded, realizing she was in over her head.

"Good. Kate, go with him."

"Okay," the freckle-faced girl replied.

"Oh, and, uh… be safe."

"Kyle, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

"Don't be afraid to ask for help."

"Kyle—"

"And—"

Kate gave him a hug, which shut him right up long enough for her and Mickey to get out of there. They headed off to meet with the girls and learned of the whole 'Monica-Ryland-is-a-two-faced-bitch' thing. Mickey gave Kate an odd look.

"And _this_ is why I hang out with the boys—too much drama here," Kate whispered.

"Kate, would you and Mickey be willing to help us?" Wendy asked. "He can pretend—"

" _She_ ," corrected Kate. "Mickey is a girl."

"Oh. Can she still help with the Monica Ryland situation?"

"We both can."

"We're going to need somebody to go undercover and pretend to be Bebe's long-distance boyfriend. You know anybody?"

"Kenny or Kyle should work. Probably Kenny."

 _ **What about me?**_

"You're super important. If this goes south, we need somebody who can… _bounce back_."

Mickey had _no idea_ what Kate was talking about, but they called Kenny anyway.

"(You owe me, Princess,)" he told Kate. She laughed.

"Ugh," Bebe grumbled. "Is he _really_ all we have to work with?"

"Kenny, hood," Kate said.

"(Oh, right.)" Kenny loosened his hood and pulled it off his head, revealing his face and messy blonde hair to the assembled girls. Several of them gasped and started giggling and whispering. Kate rolled her eyes.

"We'll see you later, Kenny," she called as she pushed Mickey out the door.

They set up camp at the playground, where the other girls soon arrived with a made-over Kenny in tow. Somehow, the Girls had tamed Kenny's wild blonde hair and it called attention to his baby blues. Kate got a weird look on her face and Mickey pinched her friend's elbow.

 _ **Focus, Buttercup.**_

"Right. Kenny, if Monica tries anything, we'll rush in and stop it before it goes too far, okay?"

"You got it, Princess," he replied, smirking.

 _ **Is there something going on between you two?**_

"Uh… it's really complicated…" Kate replied as Kenny approached Monica.

Before they knew what was happening, Monica's boyfriend, Jake, came up and picked a fight with Kenny, killing him.

"Oh my God, he killed Kenny!" gasped Bebe.

"YOU BASTARD!" Kate yelled, landing a punch to Jake's gut.

* * *

After all that, it _still_ turned out that they needed to help further. Now they had to sneak into the abortion clinic and get a picture of the records. Kate ended up voluntold that she would be the 'pregnant whore' since she had more than one guy after her. That almost ended with Bebe getting a punch to the face, but Wendy and Mickey broke it up before it got too ugly.

 _ **I'll do it.**_

"Are you sure, Mick?" Kate asked.

 _ **Positive. Nobody really knows me, so it won't hurt if I do it.**_

"I'm still going with you for backup. You need somebody who knows how to fight, and me and the boys will be right behind you."

After going through the abortion clinic, being forced to perform an abortion on a _grown-ass man_ , and fighting Nazi Zombie Fetuses, Kate and Mickey escaped and returned with the required pictures, which turned out to be entirely in French.

"Can anyone read this strange Orcish?" Kyle asked.

"I know bare-bones basics," Kate replied, looking at the document. "All I can understand is 'five'. So… five of something. We'd need somebody who speaks it fluently."

"The Kingdom to the North," Cartman suggested. "I know that is where this strange tongue comes from." He turned to Mickey. "Sir Douchebag, will you journey to the North and translate the document."

Mickey nodded, before grabbing the document.

"First you must obtain a passport." Cartman went to the other side of the yard and pulled out a passport that just needed a photo to finish it. "Your name is no longer Sir Douchebag. You are now Larry Bobinski, from Cleveland."

"Why do you even have that?" Kate sighed.

"Why do you carry a handgun?"

"That's different. I'm defending myself. At any rate, I'm not going to goddamn Canada. Somebody else is going this time." She smiled at Mickey. "Sorry, Mick. I don't feel comfortable leaving town with all the Nazi Zombie shit going on."

 _ **I get it. It's fine, Kate. Hold down the fort for me.**_

What happened in Canada surely cemented the game as some kind of RPG, fetch quest and all. Mickey found herself fighting Dire Wolves, Bears, and Snakes, all the while meeting the nobility of Canada before she met Terrance and Phillip. Naturally, she learned a new form of magic from them: Nagasaki. She was certain that it would come in handy down the line, especially once the document was translated. Mickey returned to South Park and the Girls with the translated document.

"It says here that five women were at the clinic that day," Wendy read.

"And right here, it says 'Nancy Turner, 3 PM'," Bebe added.

"That's Heidi's mom!"

"So Heidi Turner was the two-faced bitch!"

"Jesus fucking Christ…" muttered Kate.

"All right, Mickey. We will join your game," Wendy declared, once they'd made up with Heidi. "Let the boys know, and call us when you need us."

Mickey saluted and headed out the door. Kate let out a squeal and started hugging Mickey.

"Dammit, Mick!" she gushed. "Who knew you'd get the Girls to play along?!"

 _ **I did. Now shut up before you alert the Nazi Zombies**_.

"Right."

* * *

They arrived at the Elven Forest safely, and once Kate confirmed that the Girls were onboard, the entire kingdom began celebrating until Kyle reminded them of the battle to come. Everyone began to prepare for battle, Kate sticking ammo into the pouches on her belt and loading her gun, plus a spare. When Cartman asked her why, she had a simple and logical response.

"Left side is blanks to scare the shit out of the people I'm not trying to kill. Right side is actual bullets for if there's Nazi Zombies. I'm not going in there unarmed, dumbass."

"Be careful," Kyle warned her. "I know you can shoot better than almost anybody else here, but it's still dangerous."

"Kyle… you're so sweet to worry about me." She gave him a quick hug.

"Could you talk some sense into Kenny, then? He's been talking about dropping the Princess Kenny thing to back you up."

"The fuck?!" She headed across the yard. "KENNY!"

"Good luck in there, Douchebag," Cartman told Mickey. "Oh, I mean, uh, Mickey."

"You're the chosen one," Kyle added. "That's why Kate…" He cleared his throat. "Never mind. Good luck."

 _ **Thanks. And, no, Kyle. Kate does not think of me that way. And I have no interest in her beyond friendship.**_

"(Jesus Christ, Kate!)" Kenny groaned. "(Fine. I get it! Don't switch characters right before a big battle! Fuck!)"

"Right. And be careful. Even though you're a dude, there might be some guys up there who think a little boy dressed as a princess is sexy as fuck," Kate warned.

"(Mama Hen.)"

"Asshole." She swatted his arm playfully. "See you later."

* * *

"Our friendship is worth more than that Stick!" Kyle declared. Kenny and Kate looked at each other and nodded. They both went forward as Kenny took the Stick from the Big Bad Government Guy.

"What the fuck?!" Cartman yelled. Mickey, Stan, and Kyle stared at Kate and Kenny in shock.

"Why, Kenny?" Stan asked.

"And Kate, you too?" Kyle added.

"Because Kenny is a half-Orc," Morgan Freeman replied, "and Katherine is the Priestess of the Stick. The first to hold the Stick of Truth was an orc who knew that the Stick would not be safe in the hands of Elves or Humans, so to protect his baby daughter, he appointed a Priestess to watch over the Stick. When that Priestess died in the attack on the village where the little girl lived, the new Priestess and the little girl worked together to take the Stick back. Princess Kenny is the true heir to the Stick of Truth, and Katherine is the Priestess who is to help keep it out of untrustworthy hands."

"Hey, Morgan Freeman, how come every time something convoluted gets explained, you're the one to do it?" Kyle asked.

"Because every time I explain something, I get a freckle." A freckle appeared on his cheek and he went on his way. Kenny laughed and ran off with the Stick, Kate right behind him.

"GODDAMMIT, PRINCESS KINNEY! GET BACK HERE!" Cartman yelled, running after them. "KATE! I'M TELLING MOM!"

At the top of the fortress, Kate and Kenny looked for an escape route. Unfortunately for them, there wasn't one, and their former teammates caught up with them. Cartman gave his sister a dirty look before flipping her off.

"FUCK YOU, JERSEY BITCH!" he snarled.

"SAME TO YOU, FATASS!"

A battle began raging, with Kenny proving to be difficult to beat. Kate was fighting back, but they managed to 'kill' her. She limped off the battlefield and went to heal, but she was horrified when she saw Kenny pull out a vial of the green goo from the alien ship.

"WHAT THE SHIT, KENNY?!" she snapped. She managed to get over to Mickey. "You've got my support now. _That_ was not part of our plan and we need to kill him."

"Whoa, wait a sec," Stan interrupted. "Kate, I know he's turning into a Nazi Zombie, but he's still Kenny."

"He's a traitor. We were _going_ to take the Stick and end the fighting for good, but apparently, he's deciding to be a jackass about it." She narrowed her eyes.

The battle continued, but it seemed Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny wasn't going down. Every time they killed him, he got back up and kept fighting. He hit Kate with enormous force, and there was a snap as she hit the ground _hard_. It was her arm. He'd busted her arm.

"Fuck!" she swore, cradling her arm. "Dammit!"

With no end in sight and most of her allies unable to fight alongside her, Mickey was beginning to become exhausted. Cartman came up with an idea.

"Douchebag, I told you to never fart on another man's balls," Cartman sighed. "I'm afraid you're now going to have to break that oath."

Mickey felt horrified as Cartman held Kenny back.

"DO IT, DOUCHEBAG!" he yelled. Mickey had no choice.

She farted on Kenny's balls.

* * *

Once everything was back to normal, Mickey found herself with the guys and Kate at Stark's Pond, Kate holding the Stick in her unbroken right arm.

"Do we really have to do this?" Butters asked.

"It drove our friend to madness and nearly killed us all," Stan sighed. "Do it, Kate."

Kate threw the Stick into the pond. They watched it float for a moment before it sank into the water, never to be seen again.

"So what do you guys wanna play now?" Kyle inquired.

"Nothing," Kate replied. "You're going to have to play without me for a while. The doctor says I have to rest my arm until it heals. Fucking Kenny." She shook her head.

"What about you, Mickey?" Kyle asked. Mickey looked around at the friends she'd made since moving to town and decided to speak.

"Screw you guys; I'm going home," she said, turning away and walking towards her house.

"What a dick!" Cartman snarled.

* * *

That night, Kate headed out on patrol just to talk to Kenny. He was waiting in their normal spot, but when he saw her arm in a cast, he leapt to his feet and pulled her into a private spot where he could take off his hood.

"What happened?!" he asked.

" _You_ happened, jackass."

"What did I do?"

"You busted my arm after you drank the green goo. Mickey had to fart on your balls to get everything back to normal."

"I'm so sorry! Don't hate me!"

"I don't hate you, but it's going to be a while before I forgive you." She glared at her arm. "This isn't something I can easily forget about, either."

"Guess you're not going on patrol, eh?"

"Nope. I just came to talk to you. Bye."

He watched her leave with a dejected look.

"I'm sorry."

* * *

 **Yeah, that ending scene is something I felt like I needed to include. This is a valid reason for Kate not to side with Mysterion in** _ **The Fractured But Whole**_ **, and she refuses to side with Coon and Friends because Cartman is a dick and nobody is being reasonable.**

 **Next time** _ **will**_ **be** _ **The Fractured But Whole**_ **, and after that, it will either be the Valentine's special or "Marjorine". Most likely, it'll be "Marjorine".**

 **Also, if you still want to vote, I have an actual poll on my profile that you can vote on in just four clicks: click on my name, click on the poll, click your choice, and click submit.**

 **Also, also, HOLY SHIT! This chapter is over 4500 words! How the fuck did I manage that?!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	22. The Fractured But Whole

_**The Fractured But Whole.**_

 **So like I said in the last chapter, Kate is a neutral party. She's kinda pissed at Kenny right now, because he busted her arm as Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny. She's also perpetually pissed at Cartman, because he's an asshole, so she decides to choose neither group. Unfortunately, she's limited as Melodyshock due to her injury (another week to go in the cast) so she enlists… other help.**

 **Other help being Wendy and Mickey.**

 **Of course, Kenny feels responsible for Kate's injury so he's trying to make it up to her in any way possible. The timeline isn't as short as it was in the game, because I decided that Kate needs to actually be involved at some point. The police-station-raid happens** _ **after**_ **Kate gets her cast off, when she's ready to go back into action.**

 **Oh, and if text is like** _ **this, it means Mickey is texting.**_

 **Enough talk.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

"I need to find a computer!"

The overweight Raisins girl ran off, her smaller coworkers going after her.

"You should be careful," a familiar voice said above me. I looked up to see Wendy, wearing a superhero costume with phones strapped to it.

 _ **Hi, Wendy.**_

"It's Call Girl. I was asked to help you."

 _ **Who asked you?**_

"Someone who's tired of the crime in this town. She knows the other heroes won't do anything as long as they're fighting."

 _ **Kate?**_

"Not exactly. Melodyshock was the one who asked me. She's currently out of commission and her partner's not doing what he's supposed to, so it's up to us."

 _ **I dunno… I'm helping Coon and Friends take down the Freedom Pals right now…**_

"I think we need to go talk to her. She'll be up in her room, at Cartman's house. I'll meet you there."

I nodded and used Jimmy's Fastpass system to get back to Cartman's and headed upstairs. Kate was in her room, like Wendy had said, and she was reading a book with her good arm. Her left arm was still in a cast, as it would be for the next two weeks. I knew she wasn't on speaking terms with many of our mutual friends at the moment because of her arm, so it wasn't strange that she was alone.

 _ **Hi, Kate.**_

"Oh, hi, Mick—I mean, Buttlord," she greeted me, closing her book and setting it aside. "Call Girl told me you were coming."

 _ **You want me to help you because your partner's not doing his job?**_

"Yeah. Ever since the Facebook incident about six weeks ago, he's been obsessed with making a more successful franchise than Coon and Friends. I'm technically a member of the Freedom Pals since I'm Mysterion's partner and we're a package deal… but we're not on speaking terms at the moment because of…" She gestured to her left arm. "Don't tell him I said this, but I forgive him for breaking my arm. I know he wasn't in his right mind, what with being a Nazi Zombie."

 _ **Oh, Mysterion is Kenny. That makes sense.**_

"Anyway, remember what I said during the whole 'Stick of Truth' incident? I need you to help me bring everyone back together into one team. There's something bad happening for real, and I feel like all this fighting is only going to make it worse. I don't want anybody to get hurt, and I'm scared. Nobody else seems to realize that we're only as powerful as possible when we all work together and _stick_ together."

 _ **Are you sure I can help?**_

"You're the reason everyone was able to come together when the Nazi Zombies were taking over South Park. I know Cartman, Jimmy, Craig, Clyde, and Kyle are all mad at me for leaving Coon and Friends, and I know Kenny, Stan, Token, Tweek, and Timmy aren't going to listen since I haven't spoken to any of them since my arm busted. It has to be _you_."

I swallowed. Kate was right. Based on what I'd seen since the game started, something _was_ wrong. If I couldn't bring everyone together again, our town might burn to the ground.

 _ **Okay. I'll do it.**_

"Thank you." She gave me a hug. "I'll text you later, okay?"

 _ **Got it.**_

I walked out of the room and as I reached the front door, Cartman came and stopped me.

"What the hell, Buttlord?" he asked. "I didn't ask you to be here!"

 _ **I came to talk to Kate.**_

"Well, she's not part of our franchise! That bitch walked out on us, so she's off-limits! No inter-franchise relationships! We already had a problem with Tweek and Craig!"

"Cartman, Mickey and I are still friends," Kate snapped, coming down the stairs. "It's not like anybody's really been by to visit since my arm busted."

 _ **Bye.**_

I could hear them arguing as I walked down the street.

* * *

I met up with Mysterion later, after we agreed to meet with the other Freedom Pals at the police station. I decided to ask him about Kate.

 _ **So… I've been told you have a partner.**_

He visibly stiffened at my question.

"Who told you?"

 _ **Wonder Tweek and Toolshed mentioned you'd been depressed ever since you and your partner got in a fight.**_

"She's… well, it's complicated. She was completely against the big split, and… I broke her arm. But you already know about the arm thing, right?"

 _ **Yeah. She's worried about everybody getting hurt. She says something bigger than the franchise argument is happening.**_

"Wait, you've been talking to her?! Is she okay?"

 _ **She's fine. A little depressed and I can tell she's going crazy from being limited, but she's fine.**_

"I told her I was sorry for her arm, but she's still mad at me."

I bit my lip, debating on whether or not I should tell Kenny that Kate forgave him. I decide against it.

"It's just… tough without her. She's my backup when things go to shit, and I die more when she's not around."

I raised an eyebrow at this.

"It sounds stupid, I know."

 _ **Maybe after this we can go talk to her. See if she'll forgive you.**_

"Yeah, maybe."

* * *

After we were all done at the police station, we headed back to Token's, where Kate was waiting in her superhero costume. She smiled at Wendy and me, giving us a thumbs-up before she was noticed by Kyle and Kenny.

"Melodyshock!" Kenny gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"First of all, I still had access since I never quit Freedom Pals," she said. "Second of all, I came because Mickey texted me that the whole group is back together now."

"You're… still pretty pissed about your arm, huh?"

"What do _you_ have to do with her arm?" Craig asked.

"I'm the one who broke it, back during the Nazi Zombie outbreak. I got infected."

"Blaming you did nothing to fix it. I'm here for Mickey right now, but we can talk after this little meeting."

I _swear_ he looked ready to cry tears of joy, while Kyle just looked a little sad.

"Anyway… what happened at the police station?"

"Nothing except _fighting a creature of darkness_!" Cartman snapped. "Why didn't you come help?!"

"I was at the hospital getting my cast sliced off!" she shot back. "I got home less than half an hour ago!"

"Oh, right." He rubbed the back of his head. "I was wondering where you and Mom went."

"Ugh."

" _It's nice to have you back, Melodyshock,_ " Timmy told Kate. " _To be honest, we've been at a serious disadvantage without you._ "

"Yeah. Girl heroes are big, it turns out," Token added. "Having you as a member of the Freedom Pals helps get feminists on our side, like Call Girl."

"Good to know."

Timmy unveiled the massive franchise plan he'd come up with, with each hero getting a series and movie. It was perfect, and I was even added into the equation. I smiled at Timmy, who moved his wheelchair so I could get a better look. Kate snapped a picture with her phone, a grave expression on her face as she glanced at Cartman, who had no input on the franchise plan.

"Good idea, Melodyshock," Kyle told her. "We never know when somebody might try to ruin things." He looked at Cartman.

"Yeah, yeah, great plan," muttered Cartman.

I headed home after that.

* * *

"So…" Kenny chuckled nervously. "How have you been?"

We were walking towards my house, taking a shadowy route to avoid suspicion. Kenny had volunteered to walk me home after Cartman had ditched me at Token's place, and I had accepted purely because I didn't feel like walking home alone.

"I've been fine," I replied, kicking some snow out of the way.

"Great. Um… look, I'm sorry about the whole 'breaking-your-arm' thing. I've been feeling nothing but guilt over it, and the fact that you're pissed at me makes going through the day a lot harder."

"I'm not mad."

"What?"

"I'm not mad at you anymore. It's like I told Mickey last week—I forgave you awhile ago and you could've come talked to me."

"Shit! You mean I've been driving myself crazy over this for _nothing_?!"

"Hey, the fact that you felt guilty puts you _miles_ above anybody else."

He suddenly stopped and hugged me out of nowhere.

"You have permission to kill me as many times as you want if I pull shit like that again."

"As long as you don't turn zombie… or Nazi Zombie."

"I'm serious. If I _ever_ get violent with you, kill me."

"I promise I will."

My heart finally slowed to its normal speed as we reached my house and I snuck through my bedroom window. He waved at me from the lawn before he disappeared into the night.

* * *

"HOLY SHIT!"

I cringed at the screech in Stan's voice as we entered the basement. I realized that the franchise plan had been destroyed. My heart sank. First my parents, now this? Whoever was behind all this was after _me_.

"Mitch Conner, that diabolical asshole!" Cartman hissed. Suddenly, a blur went by as somebody punched him in the face.

Kate.

"YOU SEXIST, EGOTISTICAL, BIGOTED, LYING DICK-FACE ASSHOLE!" she yelled, trying to pound his face in. Kenny and Kyle pulled her off of him, her kicking and screaming all the while.

"MELODYSHOCK!" Kenny snapped. "He's no use to us dead or unconscious!"

"Just a couple more hits! Please?!"

"No. We have other ways of interrogating him."

 _ **Ask him where my parents are.**_

Kate stopped struggling and stared at me after reading my message.

"Mick… your parents? What happened?"

 _ **There was a lot of blood. All over the house.**_

"Okay, you know what, Cartman?" She dropped her Melodyshock voice and took off her mask. "This isn't a fucking game anymore. You _kidnapped_ Mickey's parents."

"No, I didn't! It was Mitch Connor!"

"Mitch Connor, my ass! Just because you're a fucking _sociopath_ doesn't mean you can blame it on one of your personas when you commit a felony!"

"Personas?" Cartman sounded nervous.

* * *

Eventually, we got almost all the info we'd wanted out of him, thanks to my ass and Kate's fist (Kenny stopped her from breaking anything or knocking him unconscious) and we headed out to Mephesto's lab. I learned from Morgan Freeman (don't ask) how to fast-forward time with my farts so that we could get inside. And even after that, 'Mitch Connor' caused mass hysteria at the lab by releasing Mephesto's experiments. I ended up going it alone, only to find my parents in a lab in the basement.

I had to kill one of them.

 _Mommy, Daddy, no…_

 _No…_

 _I can't._

 _I can't do it._

It was either my mom's arm or my dad's head. If I did either, I'd kill them. Mom would bleed to death or Dad would die instantly. At least, with Dad's head, he wouldn't suffer. Mom would bleed out and be screaming in pain almost the entire time.

I cut off Dad's head.

After that, I was in shock from what I'd done. Kate met up with me and I silently texted her what I'd done. She stared at me for a second before hugging me.

"You're not the only one to have killed your father," she whispered. "We'll fix this, Mick. I promise."

I doubted it, but she made me feel a lot better.

Anyway, we ended up in Mephesto's greenhouse, where Cartman was waiting. 'Mitch Connor' began a spiel about how he was _good_ for the franchise and that we'd never stop him and blah, blah, blah. Then, he said he'd build his own New Kid, but he hadn't been able to. He'd cloned a different superhero.

"Which superhero?" asked Stan nervously.

There was loud rumbling as a hulking figure rose from the foliage.

The Alternate Human Kite.

Kyle Two.

"I'M BAAAACK!" he declared. Kyle screamed in terror.

"Oh my God!" Kate gasped.

"LOOK AT ME, COUSIN! I'M A HORRIFYING GENETIC MUTATION!"

"I-it's okay, cousin! We'll get you help!" Kyle insisted.

"NO, I THINK I HAVE TO DESTROY YOU ALL NOW OR ELSE I'LL GET A MIGRAINE!"

"I warned you, Kyle!" hissed Kate. "He was a little dorky, but he was harmless!"

"Oh, so now you're on _his_ side?!"

"Now is not the time to discuss this!" Kenny snapped as Kyle Two's foot came down. It was going straight for Kate, and Kenny tackled her out of the way. "Be careful, babe!"

"Did you _seriously_ just call me 'babe'?!"

"NOT THE TIME!"

"WHEN IS THE TIME, KENNY MCCORMICK?!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE WE DIE?!" Clyde interrupted, dodging Kyle Two's movements.

Eventually, it came down to just me and Kyle Two. I managed to kick his ass, but by the time we got back outside, we'd realized… we'd lost. Mitch Connor was being sworn in as mayor, and we were too late to stop it.

"THIS IS ALL _YOUR FAULT_!" Kyle yelled, pointing at me.

"Hey, blaming Mickey isn't getting us anywhere," Kate growled. "We need to go back and make things _right_."

Before long, we found ourselves at Freeman's Tacos, where Morgan Freeman gave me a special bit of Mexican food to help me create a special fart. I managed to fart us into another time…

Christmas.

* * *

"Shit," I muttered, looking around. Mickey rubbed his ass—obviously, that large a fart does a number on your anus. Kate looked nervous, and I knew why. Christmas carried the memory of her father killing me, and of her shooting a person for the first time.

"Mickey, are you okay?" she asked. Mickey nodded. "Do you think you could let another one loose? Maybe you didn't believe in yourself enough."

It failed.

"The New Kid has a fractured butt hole," Stan realized aloud.

"HA! TITLE DROP!" laughed a brunette with glasses wearing a marching band sweatshirt, swaying drunkenly.

"Jesus Christ," I muttered. "How old is she?"

"EIGHTEEN AND PROUD OF IT! WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!" She stumbled off, a girl with brownish-blonde hair running after her and trying to drag her off somewhere.

"It doesn't matter!" Kyle insisted. "We have to get the New Kid to a doctor."

"The abortion clinic is closest," Kate said. "We just have to get through a South Park Christmas." We all shuddered.

Naturally, we ran into a roadblock—the Christmas Critters.

"MY BEST FRIEND IS YOUR LORD'S SISTER!" Kate screamed as Beary tried to grab her. He gasped.

"You know Lady Kimmy?"

"Yeah!"

"FUCK THAT BITCH!"

They began focusing on her and Mickey, since he was the closest to her. Of course we began backing them up, but they proved to be a little too strong until Santa came crashing down. He began yelling at us for bringing him down until he saw the Christmas Critters. He managed to hold them off long enough for us to get into the abortion clinic, where the doctor fixed Mickey's fractured butt hole. Mickey managed to bring us back in time, to Stick of Truth times. Kate had been knocked unconscious by the Christmas Critters beforehand, so I was carrying her through the battlefield.

"What the fuck?!" Past Kyle gasped, looking at me. "Kate shouldn't be out here!"

"Shut up and let us through!" Human Kite snapped.

"Where's her cast?"

"We're from the future!" I explained. "She was knocked unconscious before we ended up here! Now, we need to get to Cartman!"

"No! I don't trust you!"

As if on cue, our past selves surrounded us and began attacking.

* * *

I managed to beat my past self, and once their king was down, the others surrendered. Kenny was still carrying Kate, which was kinda impressive in and of itself, but that wasn't what we needed to focus on. As we got upstairs, the past version of Kate (the one with a broken arm) poked her head out of her room.

"Not even going to ask," she said, shaking her head. She disappeared back inside her room, giving us no more distractions.

Cartman was working with his 'time machine', and we surrounded him so there was no escape.

"Show us your left hand!" Kenny demanded. Kate let out a groan as she began waking up.

"What?"

"Show us your left hand, asshole!"

Cartman raised his left hand to reveal Mitch Connor, who began taunting us before punching me in the solar plexus, sending me and Cartman even further back in time.

Back to the night my dad fucked my mom.

To my immense shock, I found out _I actually had powers_. It was all because of social media; anything I posted online went viral almost immediately. Mom and Dad ended up making up and I farted us forward in time, to the day Mitch Connor was sworn in as mayor. I met up with my group, before we found Cartman.

Then, something strange happened.

Mitch Connor appeared on Kyle's hand.

"What the shit, Kyle?" Kate asked in a low voice.

"It's not me!" he insisted.

"Stop fucking with us, Kyel!" Cartman snapped.

"I'm not fucking with you!"

And thus began another beatdown. This time, however, it ended with Mitch Connor going to his swearing-in ceremony, being cussed out by his mother, and me revealing his plan to the entire town. Of course everything went back to normal, because this is fucking South Park.

"Kyle," Kate said as we all walked home. "What the fuck was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"The Mitch Connor on _you_ thing. That was fucked up. Even worse than Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny busting my arm, because he wasn't in control."

 _ **Yeah.**_

"You _all_ think I did that on purpose?"

"I don't know _what_ you and Cartman were trying to do, but don't do it again!"

"I didn't—I wouldn't—"

And thus ended our superhero adventure.

* * *

 **Yep. Done.**

 **"Marjorine" is next.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	23. The Family of Kimberly Morningstar

**The Kenny-Kyle poll is now closed. However, you are going to be able to vote until February 13 in the comments. I needed an establishment chapter before I get into the meat of Valentine's Day. Yes, this means "Marjorine" is getting pushed back. Deal with it.**

 **For this chapter, we're returning to the Park High I established in chapter 20, complete with East Park assholes and Quinn dating Bebe. We'll also be meeting Kimmy's family, so this is a Kimmy-centric chapter. Warning: shitstorm approaching. IT'S A YOUTUBE COMMENTS SECTION.**

 **I've said enough for now.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

Kimberly Teal Morningstar was known as many things.

A demon.

The Princess of Hell.

Satan's baby sister.

A ginger.

Kate's best friend.

Some of those weren't entirely accurate. Kimmy wasn't just a demon or the Princess of Hell—she was Princess of the fucking entire Underworld. The only daughter of Hades and Persephone. The goddess of hellfire, eternal damnation, and glitter. Her brother, Lucifer Satan Morningstar, was the god of punishment and Tartarus. What the mortals called Hell was just Tartarus, one area of the afterlife after they were judged by the council.

Needless to say, neither of them had an easy childhood. Satan (as he preferred to be called) had been born around the time that Christianity had become a thing and took over Tartarus, renaming it Hell. Kimmy, on the other hand, was born during the beginning of the Dark Ages and started the whole 'dragons-will-burn-down-your-village' fear. What made it more difficult was the fact that Persephone was only with them for six months of the year, leaving Hades to deal with a sexually-confused teenage god and a destructive, pyromaniac toddler goddess.

However, during the six months of the year Persephone was with them, they were a pretty happy family.

When Kimmy got a handle on her godly powers, she began exploring the surface, something her brother wasn't really allowed to do for extended periods of time. Over time, she met a lot of people (and burned a lot of shit). She met her best friend when Kate almost died, and never wanted to leave her 'Squishie', as she called Kate.

When Kate was fourteen, Kimmy did something that she got in major trouble for—she killed a demon of Tartarus. Hades was livid with his daughter, who had never killed unprovoked before. He sentenced her to four years living as a human, only able to use her powers in dire situations.

Hence why she was going to Park High and living with the Cartmans.

Now, since Kimmy was the daughter of Hades and Persephone, that meant that the famous Greek gods were all members of her extended family. This included the likes of Athena, Hera, Ares, and Eros. Eros wasn't at all how most people pictured him. Most assumed that, because he was the god of love, he was suave, seductive, and confident. In truth, he'd only become like that once he'd married Psyche, but still, nobody could find it in their hearts to really and truly hate him.

Not even his little cousin when he dropped in unexpectedly.

* * *

"Hiya, Kimmy!"

Kimmy dropped the manga she'd been reading in surprise.

"Eros?!" she asked. "The _fuck_ are you doing here?!"

"Is there any rule keeping me from seeing my little cousin?"

"No, but you've never tried to visit me here before."

"Okay, you caught me. Your parents want to see you." Kimmy blinked.

"What?"

"You, Demeter, Zeus, Lucifer, and Hera are all meeting them for dinner on Mount Olympus."

"First of all, how did they get Grandma to agree to that? Second of all, why the fuck isn't Hermes delivering this message?"

"Demeter just wants to see Persephone. Hermes is busy, so I was the next messenger available besides Iris."

"And Hera's sending her elsewhere."

"Exactly."

"Well, it's been a while since I've seen the family, so I guess it wouldn't hurt." Kimmy shrugged. "When do they want me there?"

"In two hours."

"Well, good thing my best friend's my size, because I have nothing to wear to Olympus. Mind judging my outfits?"

"Not at all!"

* * *

Once Kimmy was dressed and had her long red hair in a wavy ponytail, she and Eros set out for Mount Olympus. Hades was already there when they arrived, as were Zeus, Hera, Demeter, and Satan. Persephone had yet to arrive, perhaps postponing the fight that was sure to break out. Demeter stood as soon as Kimmy entered the dining room, a welcoming smile on her face as she embraced her granddaughter.

"Kimberly!" she breathed. "My precious granddaughter! It's been too long!" She released Kimmy and looked her up and down. "You look more and more like your mother every time I see you!"

"Thanks, Grandma," Kimmy replied. "I'm still my dad's daughter, though."

"Naturally." Demeter's voice had become strained.

"Kimberly!" Hera called. "Come take a seat!" Kimmy sat at the table as the door opened and Persephone rushed in, her once-long red hair now cropped to shoulder-length. Demeter gasped, as did Hades, Satan, and Kimmy.

"Mom! This looks great!" Kimmy complimented.

"And you look beautiful! Earth has been treating you well."

"More like Kate has a sense of fashion and we're the same size."

"I'm happy to see you at any rate."

Dinner arrived and the gods ate, Kimmy eating very little so she could have the dinner Kate was making at home.

"So, Eros tells us you're living with a mortal family?" Hera inquired.

"Yeah. Kate's my best friend, so it doesn't bug me."

"And speaking of your best friend—" Zeus began, but was cut off by glares from everyone at the table. "Never mind."

"How _is_ she?" Hades asked.

"She's fine." She narrowed her ice-blue eyes. "Why are you all so curious about Kate?"

"Well, is she okay?" Satan asked. "I mean… has she fallen in love?"

" 'Fallen in love'? Hell no! I mean… there's a couple of guys interested in her, and I'd rather permanently lose my life than hand her over to either of them… wait… Eros came to get me… then he headed back to South Park—" She leapt to her feet. "No. No. You are _not_ allowed to mess with her."

"Aphrodite wants her to make a choice between the immortal boy and the Jew," Zeus explained. "She's sick of watching them try to win her affection, so we figured we'd ask your opinion first."

"Wow, thanks, Grandpa. My opinion is _fuck off_."

"It's happening either way, I'm afraid. We just wanted to tell you."

"Fuck this family!" Kimmy stormed off, but Persephone ran after her youngest.

"Kimmy, baby, _please_ listen," she begged.

"Okay, but only because you and Dad are the only ones I'm not pissed at right now."

"Aphrodite asked us to help her, so we had no choice but to ask your permission. It was a formality."

"And here I thought my family wanted to see me."

"We did, but with you living in the mortal plain, it's not that simple. I do have an idea, though."

"Okay. I can deal with that."

"See you soon, sweetheart."

"Bye, Mom. Tell Dad and Satan I said bye, too."

* * *

 **The poll is now closed. Comment voting is still allowed.**

 **Wow… this is the shortest chapter I've written…**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	24. Kate's Choice

**BA-DA-DA-DAAAAH!**

 **THE FINAL CHOICE IS HERE!**

 **You may have all noticed that this chapter was uploaded three days before Valentine's Day. Originally, I wasn't going to publish it until the** _ **actual**_ **Valentine's Day, but some things came up and I might not be able to publish that day. I thought it'd be safer to upload as soon as possible. I finished this up last night and was debating internally all morning on whether or not I would publish it today. I made my choice, as you can see, and this was a** _ **lot**_ **closer to the holiday involved than my Christmas special.**

 **Now, a few things to note—not a lot of people voted on my profile poll. I had more votes in the reviews than I did in the profile poll, which only had eight in total. Also, yes, the discussion from the last chapter has a direct influence on this one. This is a longer chapter for all you beautiful people who have been reading this story. I hope you'll continue to read it even if Kate didn't end up with your choice. See you in the endnotes.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

" _And don't forget—our Valentine's Day Dance is coming up in two weeks!_ " Lauren Reed chirped over the intercom.

"I guess that means we're both asking Kate again," Kenny sighed to Kyle. "I hope she doesn't pull the 'let's go as _friends_ ' card again."

"Me, too," Kyle agreed. "I love her, but she's been pulling us around with that card since fourth grade. We're sophomores now, and it's getting old."

" _And before you boys start flocking to the prettiest girls in the grade to ask them, this year's dance has a twist! It's a Sadie Hawkins Dance!_ "

"A _what_?!" Cartman muttered.

"Girls ask guys, dumbass," Kyle grumbled. "That means Kate's going to ask one of us."

"Or ask Kimmy to avoid a fight like she did in seventh grade," Stan added.

"I'm still pissed she pulled that bullshit."

Kate, on the other hand, was walking with Quinn towards the boys when she heard the announcement and the subsequent musings of her male friends. She bit her lip. She knew full and well that they were tired of her skirting around the issue. In their eyes, she was an indecisive person who was afraid of hurting somebody's feelings, and that was true. She was scared of losing one when she chose the other, or the one that didn't get picked would resent the one that did. They'd react differently based on their personalities. However, Kate had a little secret.

She'd made her choice in seventh grade.

Her fear of losing friends had kept her from announcing it, but she'd chosen.

"Hey, guys," she greeted them.

"Hey, Kate!" Stan replied. Kyle and Kenny glanced at each other.

"You guys heard about the Sadie Hawkins Dance, huh?" she sighed.

"It kinda puts the ball in your court, Kate," Kyle stated simply. "It's your choice who you take."

"And I'm asking Bebe, so don't count on my bailout," Quinn told her female friend.

 _Shit. That's right. Nobody knows I made my choice._

"I already know Kimmy's asking somebody, so I'm gonna have to make a choice between the two of you," she laughed nervously.

"Wait, Kimmy already has somebody?" Cartman asked, confused.

"She's asking Scott Tenorman."

"As in our _brother_ , Scott Tenorman?"

"Yep."

"Fuck. Well, I'm not gonna have a date. No girl in her right mind would pick me."

"They might. You're not as misogynistic as you used to be." She turned to the others. "I'll call you guys later, okay? Quinn needs to help me shop for the dance."

"I do?" Quinn asked before Kate grabbed her arm. The brunette dragged the blonde down the hall, the former beauty queen struggling all the way.

"Is it just me or is Kate acting weird?" Stan asked.

"She's _always_ weird," Cartman snorted. "That's just why Kinney and Kyel _looove_ her so much."

"No, I mean weird as in, since _when_ does she blow off hanging out with _us_ in favor of shopping with one of North Park's Demon Queens of the Mall?"

"That _is_ weird, even for her."

"Maybe she made her choice and she's afraid to say it," Kimmy sighed.

"Why would she be afraid to say her choice?" Kyle asked.

"You guys know Kate considers you her closest friends. Picking one means possibly losing the other, and she doesn't want that to happen."

"Wait, so you're saying the _only reason_ she hasn't given us an answer is because she thinks we'd flip out?"

"Well, more specifically, she's worried about you and your tendency to take everything _way_ too far. Like when you blew up part of Canada?"

"Shut up!"

"I had to work _overtime_ for three _months_ to clean up that mess! And it wasn't just in Hell, either! I actually got _called to Heaven_ to help sort out the mess up there!"

"Sorry! Jesus Christ!"

* * *

After school, Kate and Quinn headed to the mall. Quinn was still confused as to why her _un-girly_ friend had asked her to go shopping, but she didn't pry. The two were in the South Park Mall, where several other girls from their school were shopping. Kate was looking in the half-price rack that no other girl would dare even _touch_ for fear of being infected by the cheapness that was the dresses. Quinn had to admit that the half-price racks were probably the best place to find a dress that time of year.

"I _hate_ Valentine's Day Dances," Kate sighed to her human best friend.

"Why? Because you can't pick a guy?"

"No. Because you're expected to either go with a date or not go at all. You're going to have a date this year, and I _won't_."

"So? Just go in a three-way date with Kyle and Kenny. Nobody's feelings will get hurt and you don't have to choose."

"I can't do that. They already think I'm indecisive as hell, and I don't think that would help. No, I'm going alone." She pulled a dark purple dress with a sweetheart neckline off the rack. "How about this one?"

"Yes. Purple is your color." Quinn grabbed a medium blue, knee-length strapless dress. "And this one for me?"

"Hell yeah, Q!"

"And there's one just like it in red! Ooh, I should text a picture to Bebe!" She snapped a picture of the red dress and sent it to Bebe, who responded with, _OMIGOD BABE ITS PERFECT. WHAT STORE?_

Within minutes of Quinn's reply, Bebe showed up and nodded—both at the dress's price and the style. Kate smiled as the three of them made their way to the register, where the clerk looked surprised that they'd bought from the half-price rack.

"We have several lovely full-price dresses, too," she said pointedly.

"These are perfect," Kate insisted.

"All right, ladies." The clerk rang them up and they headed to the shoe store. Kate bought a pair of strappy silver heels, as did Quinn. Bebe went for the same thing, but in gold. She claimed it went better with the red dress, and the other two girls had to agree.

"So, any luck picking between Kenny and Kyle?" Bebe asked as the three of them sat in the food court.

"No, not yet," Kate lied.

"I get it—it's hard. I had a crush on Kyle back in third grade. I guess he's my hetero-crush, with Quinn being my true love."

"Aw, babe!" Quinn sighed.

"Anyway, Kenny's sexy, but he's a pervert. Kyle's a gentleman with a perfect ass, but he's got that fucking temper. Kenny has a sense of loyalty that would put a dog to shame, while Kyle has been pining for you since fourth grade. Wait, they both have."

"I know!" Kate groaned. "It'd be so hard to pick… if I hadn't already."

"YOU _WHAT_?!" the two blondes gasped.

"Shush! I don't know who's listening!" She glanced around. "Let's go back to my house. I'll call Kimmy, Heidi, and Wendy to join us."

* * *

"What's this about?" Kimmy asked.

"KATE PICKED!" cheered Quinn. "WE DON'T KNOW WHO, BUT SHE PICKED!"

"Who did you pick?" squealed Wendy.

"I'm not ready to say," Kate confessed. "I picked a long time ago." She cleared her throat. "In, um… seventh grade."

"THEN WHAT WAS THAT BULLSHIT WHERE YOU ASKED _ME_ TO THE SADIE HAWKIN'S DANCE?!" Kimmy growled.

"You _have_ to tell whoever it is," Bebe urged. "Otherwise, you could lose _both_ of them instead of just one."

"I know! I know!" Kate held her head in her hands. "I need a plan!"

"Ask whoever it is to the dance," Heidi suggested.

"No… I'll _tell_ them who I picked at the dance. But they _can't_ know I picked before then, got it? That means no telling Cartman, Scott, or Stan, or anybody else, for that matter."

"You have our word," the girls declared. Kate smiled.

Little did they know that Cartman was listening in. He'd been listening since he heard Quinn declare that Kate had picked. He smirked and crept away from his sister's door, sending a text to Kyle, Kenny, and Stan to meet him at the park.

 _Just found out some news that you fuckers will_ **love** _. Meet me at the park in twenty minutes; I'll explain there._

At the park, Cartman found his three closest friends waiting for him, Kyle looking very annoyed.

"What's this about, fatass?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing, except that you and Kinney's little love triangle with Kate is going to end on Valentine's Day."

"THE FUCK?!" Kenny yelped. "HOW DO YOU KNOW?!"

"I heard Kate and her girlfriends discussing it. Quinn started squealing about how Kate had 'picked'—"

"Whoa, whoa, wait," Stan interjected. "When did _that_ happen?"

"Oh, according to Kate, she made her choice in seventh grade but was afraid of losing one of you over it." He smirked. "Who knew my sister could keep a secret?"

"Jesus fucking Christ…" muttered Kenny.

"You said it," Kyle agreed. He held out a hand to Kenny. "How about we agree that no matter who Kate picks, we stay friends with her and each other?"

"Yeah," Kenny said, nodding. He and Kyle shook hands.

"Now, don't tell Kate you know what I told you. She'll murder me for eavesdropping."

"Thanks for telling us, Cartman," Kyle said.

"Yeah, thanks dude," Kenny added.

"You guys are welcome. Now you owe me."

"FUCK!" Kyle swore. "I _knew_ there was a catch!"

"Oh, don't worry, Kyle. I won't make you pay up… _yet_."

* * *

Over the next couple weeks, the boys and girls walked around like Kate _hadn't_ made a choice yet. Things were normal between them. Nobody was the wiser, and Kate felt relieved that nobody asked her about who she was going to ask to the dance. It was all going well.

Then Lauren Reed—Kate's arch-nemesis since freshman year—had the _balls_ to ask Kenny to the dance.

It had happened out of the blue. Lauren was basically the stereotypical slutty mean girl—pretty, with a good figure and decent-sized boobs, but she actually had a fucking _brain_ under her head of raspberry-tinted red hair. Given her reputation, everyone assumed she'd ask Josh, but the Monday before the dance, in the middle of the goddamn cafeteria and _right in front of Kate_ , she sat down next to Kenny and started cozying up to him—boobs on his arm and everything. With her boobs right on his bicep, he _almost_ said yes.

Until he saw the look in Kate's eyes.

A look of betrayal, hurt, and shock.

It sent a pain directly to his heart, and he shook Lauren off his arm. She let out an offended gasp and walked away, flipping Kate off as she went. Kate stuck her left thumb through the index and middle fingers on her left hand as she bit her right thumb—both directed at Lauren, who looked confused and angry as hell. Everyone at the table started laughing, but Kate still felt like she'd been stabbed.

 _Would either of them really move on from me that quickly?_

Kate wasn't the only one who had drama in her life. Kimmy was having family drama with her aunt Aphrodite and her cousin Eros. Yes, the Greek gods themselves. Kimmy wasn't _technically_ a demon, you see—she was actually the goddess of hellfire, eternal damnation, and glitter. She'd added the glitter part herself, but _whatever_. By birth, she was a goddess of the Underworld—the only daughter of Hades and Persephone themselves. The family drama came from the fact that Aphrodite was _unusually interested_ in getting Kate and one of the boys together, which Kimmy objected to for a _number_ of reasons. She kept an eye out for any possible godly intervention.

* * *

"Are they here yet?"

Kate was bouncing on her toes, nervously looking through the crowd for either of her suitors. Kimmy rolled her eyes and put a hand on her human best friend's shoulder.

"Calm thy tits, mortal," the goddess sighed. "They'll be here."

"I know, but I'm so fucking nervous. What if he says no because I took so long?"

"He won't."

"But what if—"

"I will repeat what I said earlier—calm thy tits and _stop asking 'what if'_."

Kimmy started looking around and eventually spotted, on the other side of the gym, a woman with shoulder-length red hair and a man with pale skin and black hair. The woman was also pale, but she had an abundance of freckles and a small stature. The man was towering over every attendant of the dance, which nobody seemed to notice except Kimmy. She narrowed her eyes.

"Kate, I'll be back in a minute. Don't drink the punch."

"I know better than that, Kimmy."

"I know. Bye!"

Kimmy ran across the gym to the man and woman—her parents.

"What in Tartarus are you two doing here?" she hissed.

"We came to chaperone the dance!" Persephone replied brightly. "Oh, and Aphrodite is here. So are Eros and Psyche."

As if on instinct, Kimmy scanned the dance and found three godly auras—one in the middle of the dance floor (Aphrodite) and the others on the sideline. The goddess let out a groan; her family had _refused_ to listen to her, yet _again_. This time they were targeting her best friend.

"I'll be back soon."

Once again, Kimmy ran across the gym, this time returning to where she'd left Kate. The brunette was nowhere to be seen, and Eros made his way over to his cousin.

"Hey, Kimberly!" he greeted her.

"Where's Kate?" she asked.

"She said she needed some air," Psyche replied, fanning her face. "I _hate_ being in the mortal realm like this, away from my kids."

"Yeah, yeah, you're 'Mother of the Eon'. You guys don't need to interfere; Kate already made her choice."

"Aw, dammit," Eros grumbled.

"I only want you to hit her with an arrow if she tries to chicken out, deal?"

"Deal."

* * *

Kate blew on her fingers in the chilly February night. She was reminded of the early days of being Melodyshock—back before all this drama happened and she fell in love. Her heart _ached_ to tell the boy how she felt, and she would—as soon as he arrived. The former Jersey girl took one last deep breath before heading back inside.

"KATE!"

She turned to see Quinn, who grabbed her arm.

"Oh my God, Kate—they're here. They're both here, and on the dance floor."

The song was a fast one, and unsurprisingly, the dance floor was packed with people. Kate looked and spotted her chosen guy near the center. She inhaled a shudderingly deep breath and began weaving her way through the crowd. She almost got stepped and twerked on, but she managed to avoid it until something made her stop dead in her tracks.

He was kissing Lauren.

 _CRACK._

Kate swore she could hear the sound of breaking glass as her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

 _I waited too long._

Th-thump.

 _He's gone._

Th-thump-thump.

Tears were pricking at her eyes as he jerked away from Lauren and spotted her. She turned and ran through the crowd, not caring who she barreled through or when he yelled her name. She stumbled in her heels, but she managed to make it outside. She was almost to the road when she felt a hand grab her wrist and turn her around to face him—the guy who'd just broken her heart. Her soon-to-be-ex-crime-fighting partner and soon-to-be-ex-crush.

Kenny McCormick.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" she sobbed. "GO BACK TO THAT FUCKING WHORE!"

"Kate—"

"It was _you_ , you know." He let go of her wrist and stared at her in complete shock. "I picked _you_ , but of _course_ , the night I decide to let you know that, you choose _Lauren 'Dick-Sucker' Reed_ over me." She gulped back some tears. "Now I know how it feels to have your heart _shattered into a billion_ pieces—" He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes.

"Katherine Marie Cartman, what makes you think I'd choose the 'Dick-Sucker' over you?"

"Because you're _you_. You _like_ the sexy stuff, and I'm not sexy. I'm indecisive as hell and I don't tell anybody anything and I don't _know_ how to give blow-jobs or have sex or—"

"Hey. I want more than sex in a long-term relationship. Besides, I don't mind indecisive as long as they _eventually_ reach a decision."

"You were _kissing_ her."

"She kissed _me_ , not the other way around. Besides, Lauren tasted like dick. I prefer something a little more… _refreshing_ when I kiss a girl. Like minty lip balm. That was the best part of when I kissed you back in fourth grade—the taste."

"Oh my God."

"Kate, you're the only girl I want to kiss and be with." She let out a half-hearted laugh. "I'm serious, Kate. Fuck—I've been _in love with you_ since we were nine years old. It didn't matter to me who you picked, as long as you were _happy_. And well… now you're not. And it's my fault."

"Kenny… I love you, too. I think I fell for you when you kissed me in the Nightmare City of R'Lyeh. I picked you a long time ago."

Kenny smiled widely, releasing Kate's shoulders and tilting her chin up so their lips met. She wrapped her arms around him as if she was afraid to let go, and he hugged her just as tightly. He deepened the kiss so that they were full-on making out. When they finally broke apart, Kate dug into her purse and pulled out her phone. She turned on the camera and looked at herself.

"I'm a fucking _mess_ ," she groaned.

"You're a sexy mess," Kenny whispered, wrapping his arms around her from the back.

"Ha-ha. You're so funny."

"Nah, I just love you."

"Guess we'd better go let everyone know."

Suddenly, a flash went off from near the gym. They both shielded their eyes before they caught sight of the photographer—Wendy.

"I CALLED IT, STAN!" she laughed, looking at her boyfriend.

"Yeah, yeah," Stan muttered, rolling his eyes. Kenny grabbed Kate's hand and pulled her towards the gym.

Inside, they found their friends at a table in the corner of the room. Kyle looked at Kenny and Kate's joined hands and sighed.

"Well, you won," he admitted. "Congratulations, dude." He and Kenny shook hands.

"There are some ground rules for dating my Squishie," Kimmy said, walking up to Kenny and narrowing her eyes. "First of all, no sex before she's eighteen. Second of all, you will treat her with the respect she deserves. Third and finally, you will never hurt her in any way—physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. That includes cheating. Break _any_ of those rules and I will rain down hellfire on your head."

"Noted," Kenny squeaked, glancing at his new girlfriend. She shrugged.

And thus the triangle ended.

* * *

 **FINALLY!**

 **Yes, Kenny won the poll. Sorry for all you Kyte fans (and thanks to SpaceCatSophie for coming up with that ship name; think you got one for Kenny and Kate?), but if you wanted it, you should've voted. Unless you did vote, in which case, thank you for your input.**

 **I'm going to be honest—this chapter took longer to write than any other chapter so far (other than "Marjorine"—I promise it's on the way). I think it was because I was waiting for the final votes to come in before I put up the chapter, just to be on the safe side.**

 **Yes, Lauren is based off every mean girl character ever. She's meant to be a true foil to Kate, who is rather more modest and down-to-earth. Then again, I'm biased since she's one of my OC babies. Lauren's just a goddamn bitch (and a pillowcase).**

 **The two gestures Kate gave Lauren were basically flipping her off from different places.**

 **The thumb between the index and middle finger was a sign called the Fig, and it's how you flip someone off in Japan, Russia, China, Romania, and a few other places in Eurasia. For a good example of it being used, check out** _ **Shimoneta: A Boring World Where the Concept of Dirty Jokes Doesn't Exist**_ **. Or, as I like to call it,** _ **What Would Happen if Matt Stone and Trey Parker Made an Anime About Censorship**_ **. Or, you know,** _ **South Park: The Anime**_ **. IT'S 18+ IF YOU'RE INTERESTED—YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

 **The biting of the thumb is from the Shakespearean times, most famously used in** _ **Romeo and Juliet**_ **to spark the fight at the beginning of the play.**

 **Wow, long author's note. I hope you all enjoyed my little ending.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	25. Love Over Two Thousand Years

**So this is an idea I came up with while listening to the song "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. This is a collaborative project between me and BakurasAngel201. I ran the idea by her and she liked it. She actually came up with some of the ideas.**

 **I think this story actually does a good job of explaining** _ **why**_ **Aphrodite was so invested in Kate's love life, so just bitch about it in the comments, okay?**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

It started with Aurelia and Fabius, during the days of the Roman Empire.

Aurelia was the only child of Aurelius, a high-ranking nobleman within the Empire. She was beautiful, with pale skin and long brown hair that shone in the sunlight. Aurelia was spirited and joyful, giving good feelings to those around her. She was pursued by many suitors, all of whom she turned down because she had her eye on one man in particular: Fabius.

Fabius was a slave to Aurelia's family, and her favorite servant. His family had served hers for many years, so he was well-acquainted with Aurelia. He'd fallen for her when they were children, but never acted due to their difference in society and the fact that she was his employer. He was a handsome boy with blonde hair and blue eyes.

When they were both fifteen, Aurelia made the first move.

She told him to meet her outside the city that night, and to come alone. He found himself unable to refuse her request, and so he did as she asked. She gave him a whispered confession of love before giving him her first kiss. He gave her a reciprocation of her feelings, and thus began their whirlwind romance. They were together whenever possible, mostly by the cover of darkness, where they'd give themselves to each other.

Unfortunately, Aurelius discovered his daughter's illicit activities and took action.

He sold Fabius to the Colosseum as a gladiator and his daughter into a loveless marriage.

On the day of Fabius's battle, Aurelius brought his daughter—and her fiancé, Claudius—to watch the bloody affair. Fabius fought bravely against the other gladiators, but it was all in vain. No matter how many fights he won, no matter how much blood stained the sand, it was over from the second he set foot in the arena. By the rule of thumb, he was sentenced to death. His armor was stripped from him, his weapons taken, and the soldiers were released. The spectators cheered. Aurelius and Claudius cheered. In their eyes, the bastard slave who had seduced the beautiful Aurelia—forced her into his bed—was going to die.

Aurelia let out a scream as she tried to turn away, but was forced to view Fabius being sliced to bloody pieces by a sword.

A few weeks later, Claudius and Aurelia were married. However, the once-spirited and joyful Aurelia was gone. In her place was a quiet and sullen woman, the perfect 'seen-and-not-heard' wife for a nobleman of Rome. Claudius thought that he had brought out her true womanly nature—quiet, demure, obedient, and _his_.

In truth, Aurelia was broken.

She was a hollow shell of who she once was, her spirit having died with Fabius in the arena. She let Claudius have his way with her whenever he wanted, not caring whether she lived or died, until the pain from the heartbreak became too much.

One day, while Claudius and her father were discussing business, she grabbed the sword that her father had gifted Claudius on their wedding day—the same one that had ended Fabius's life—and brought it through her belly. Blood flowed onto the floor as a slave—Fabius's sister, Fabia—chanced upon the noblewoman. She screamed, alerting the rest of the household. Claudius and Aurelius rushed in. Although healers of Apollo were called, it was too late. Aurelia cursed the Empire with her dying breath, calling out to the spirit of Fabius in the Underworld.

Although no mortal took her cries seriously, one goddess did.

Venus had watched the tragic affair from the very beginning, and realized that they had deserved more than a few moments in the dark. They deserved to live again, to try again for a fulfilling relationship. She went to Pluto and Proserpina, the rulers of the Underworld, and humbly requested they reincarnate the lovers.

And they did.

Next came Richard and Cecily, both born during what is today called the Dark Ages, in England. Richard was the son of a lord, and Cecily a maid to his sister, Alice. He had no idea he was the reincarnation of a Roman slave, and she a Roman noblewoman. Richard was able to hide his affair from his father with ease until Cecily became pregnant. Despite Richard's efforts, Cecily was killed to prevent an illegitimate child from being born. Much like Aurelia, Richard killed himself with the same blade used to kill his lover and unborn child.

Again, the goddess pleaded for them to have another chance.

After Richard and Cecily came Gemma and Leonardo, a noblewoman and a servant during the Renaissance. Leonardo was murdered; Gemma committed suicide. Next came Roger and Felicity, a lord and a maid in Industrial-Revolution era London. Felicity died while giving birth to Roger's stillborn child, causing him to kill himself out of grief. Fifth in line was Ernest and Lucille—a bootlegger and the daughter of a gangster in Prohibition-era Chicago. Predictably, Ernest died from her father hiring a hitman and Lucille threw herself in front of a train. In the late sixties came Margaret and Joseph, a flower child and a soldier. Joseph died in Vietnam while Margaret died of an overdose soon after hearing the news.

No matter how many times they were reincarnated, it seemed something was always keeping them apart. Death marked their souls, the souls of Aurelia and Fabius. It seemed they were forever doomed to be apart. Hades (Pluto) was becoming impatient. He gave Aphrodite (Venus) one last chance—in the 21st century.

And thus came the final incarnations.

Kenneth, a boy born to a poor family in South Park, Colorado who happened to be immortal.

Katherine, a girl born to a rich family in Young Beach, New Jersey who had an abusive father.

Aphrodite balked when she found that out. For the first time, Aurelia and Fabius's souls were far apart, separated by thousands of miles. She began to think that they were forever doomed to wander Elysium without the other until something happened.

Katherine almost died.

Aphrodite was filled with a new hope—that perhaps they could find each other. She carefully waited until the right moment, watching their every move whenever she could. Her niece, Kimmy, was close friends with Katherine, making it easier to push the two together when they were nine years old. She observed their interactions and their relationships with others, ready to intervene when necessary. Despite some setbacks of Katherine briefly falling for another guy and being afraid to pick between Kenneth and Kyle, she eventually chose Kenneth.

The goddess was overjoyed that it had finally worked.

They were together at last.

* * *

 **This is a little too short and cheesy, but to be honest, I'm just testing to see if I can write a story without dialogue and still convey emotion.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	26. The Return of Scott Tenorman

**Little chapter I had an idea for, so no "Marjorine" yet. It's still coming, but it's very slow going. This little original chapter is one I've actually wanted to do for a while now. Originally, it was combined with another storyline about Mr. Kitty dying, but I don't want to write that. I may hate Cartman but finding your own cat's dead body is depressing and it hurts your heart. That's how I felt a few years ago when our Kit-Kat died… *sniff***

 **Anyway, this chapter is explaining a minor plot point from the Valentine's special—why Kate knows Scott and both she and Cartman refer to him as their brother.**

 **Enough talk.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

"FATASS!"

"JERSEY WHORE!"

" _MOMMA'S BOY!_ "

" _WANNABE GINGER BITCH!_ "

" _PSYCHO-SOCIOPATH!_ "

" _TWO-FACED SKANK!_ "

"Jesus Christ!" Stan yelped as he, Kyle and Kenny entered the Cartman residence. "What the hell happened this time?!"

"This _motherfucker_ stole my diary _again_!" Kate snarled.

"Dude, give her back her diary!" Kyle groaned. "That's private information!"

"Not until she tells me the big secret she and Mom have been keeping!"

"There's a _reason_ we're keeping a secret, dumbfuck!"

"OH, YEAH?! WHY?!"

"BECAUSE YOU'LL REACT BADLY! MOM SAID NOT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE OF HOW YOU'LL REACT!"

"Then I'm sure you won't mind if I read your diary _out loud_ , especially the passages on Kinney and Kyel—"

Kate let out a growl and tackled her brother to the floor. Her diary flew out of his jacket and landed at Stan's feet. He picked it up and examined it.

It was a thick, fuzzy purple notebook with a pink swirly-heart pattern on it. It was… cute, something he didn't really associate with Kate Cartman. He associated her with badassery and striking-terror-into-the-hearts-of-her-enemies, not fuzzy purple notebooks with pink swirly-heart patterns.

"Hey, is this it?" he asked.

"Yeah!" Kate kneed Cartman in the groin and took the notebook from Stan. "Thanks, Stan."

"No problem."

"Kate!" Liane called. "Could you come upstairs for a minute?"

"Jersey Whore's getting in trouble!" wheezed Cartman. She kicked him in the thigh before heading upstairs. She came back downstairs about twenty minutes later to find the boys playing video games with a now-recovered Cartman.

"What was up with that?" Kyle asked.

"Mom gave me the okay to tell Cartman what's going on," Kate replied. "We're adopting another kid."

"WHAT THE SHIT?!" Cartman roared, throwing down his controller and facing his sister. "WE ALREADY HAVE _ONE_! THAT'S ENOUGH!"

"He's older than us," Kate replied calmly. "From what Mom said, he's a freshman in high school. I think his name is… Scott something? Something with a T?"

" _Tenorman_?"

"Yep! That's it."

"Our mother is adopting _Scott Tenorman_?"

"Yeah."

"FUCK!" Cartman kicked over a chair. "SCOTT TENORMAN IS MOVING IN!"

"According to Mom, _you're_ his closest living relative, both by blood and distance. Therefore, now that he's done with his therapy, he's moving in with us."

"FUCK. THAT."

"It's already been legalized. He's coming tomorrow."

"GODDAMMIT!"

* * *

The following day, Scott Tenorman arrived while Kate and Liane were grocery shopping. Cartman was the only one home, so when the doorbell rang, he chose to ignore it. The ringing didn't stop, so he was forced to acknowledge the door and open it. Scott was on the steps, suitcase in hand and a smirk on his face.

"Hello, _brother_ ," he chuckled.

"Hello, Scott," Cartman hissed.

"Wow! So this is where I'm going to be living?"

"My mom and sister aren't home."

"Wait, what sister?"

"My little sister, Kate. She'll be back in a little bit."

"Well, if they're not here, let me tell you something, _fatboy_. I'm not any happier about this than you are, so let's just agree to not try and kill each other."

"That… sounds reasonable."

"I still hate you."

"Same here."

"So, where's my room?"

"You're in the basement. Mom and Kate fixed it up a bit for you."

"Okay… I'm not going down there without them."

"Suit yourself." Cartman sat down on the couch and started channel surfing. Scott took the opportunity to look around the house. He quickly found Cartman's room and was confused by the stuffed animals and rather normal-looking items you'd expect in the room of a nine-year-old boy. Scott then found a girl's room—Kate's, he guessed. She was obviously a reader and had books all over the place. Everything else was typical of a family in South Park—a parent's room and a bathroom at the end of the hall. It was obvious why he'd been put in the basement, though. Liane was smart enough not to stick him in the same room as Cartman, and he knew he didn't want to share a room with a little girl.

 _This might not be so bad…_

* * *

"We're back!" Kate announced as she walked through the door.

"Hey!" Scott greeted her, taking the shopping bag she was carrying. "You're Kate, right?"

"Yeah…" she replied skeptically. "Why?"

"I'm Scott Tenorman, your new brother."

"It's nice to meet you, Scott."

"Oh!" Liane gasped. "I didn't realize you'd be here so soon! Did Eric give you any trouble?"

"No. I just kinda checked out the house a bit. Thanks for letting me live here."

"I already have Kate and Eric. As long as you don't mind them, we'll be fine."

"It's no problem."

Scott helped Kate and Liane with the groceries, Cartman watching from the couch. He was suspicious of Scott's behavior, but decided not to say anything. Liane made dinner and the four of them ate.

"That was great, Ms. Cartman!" Scott complimented.

"Please, call me Liane, or Mom, if you prefer. I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"I made fudge!" Kate announced.

"Aw, sweet!" Cartman cheered.

* * *

Within a couple days, Scott had settled in. Since he was in the basement, Kate warned him about the giant hole in the floor, which the older boy avoided. Cartman avoided Scott, preferring to stay in his room over bonding with his siblings. He didn't even try to mess with Kate like he normally did. She seemed to have noticed and intentionally did things she knew Cartman would pick on, but he _still_ didn't say anything. It alarmed her and she mentioned it to the others.

"Cartman and Scott have a bit of a… _history_ ," Kyle sighed.

"What kind of history?"

"Well, a while before you moved to town, Scott tricked Cartman into buying his pubes for five dollars."

"EW!"

"I know, right?" Stan scoffed.

"Anyway," Kyle continued, "Cartman was _desperate_ to get his money back once he found out that just _having_ pubes wasn't enough to kickstart puberty for him."

"How far did Cartman go?"

"(Pretty fucking far!)" Kenny spat. "(He hosted a chili cookoff after Scott humiliated him in front of the entire town and…)"

"He made Scott's parents into the chili," finished Kyle. "And fed it to Scott."

Kate's face suddenly turned green as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the bushes.

"Shit! Sorry, Kate!" She wiped her mouth and coughed.

"It's fine! No, it's not—that's _disgusting_! And… wait, don't Cartman and Scott share a father?" Her eyes widened. "Cartman killed his own father. I killed _my_ father. We have more in common than I thought…"

* * *

 **Short chapter today.**

 **This was written a while back, but I thought you all would enjoy it.**

 **I think I should give my announcement that this story is going to end soon. I feel like I've done all I can with this story, so I'm going to end it at chapter 30. Make sure to submit your episode requests!**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	27. Labyrinth of Katherine

**This chapter is a** _ **little**_ **weird, even by my standards...**

 **This chapter is meant to be a thriller/horror chapter but considering the scariest movie I've watched is** _ **I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives In the House**_ **, I'm severely lacking. I have not seen any** _ **Friday the Thirteenth**_ **or** _ **Nightmare on Elm Street**_ **movies, nor have I seen** _ **The Exorcist**_ **,** _ **The Town That Feared Sundown**_ **, or** _ **Halloween**_ **. I'm not a horror fan, as you will probably be able to tell by this chapter.**

 **The inspirations for this chapter were mostly the myth of Theseus and the Minotaur and** _ **Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde**_ **, with a splash of creepy boiler rooms from across fiction and some classic 'damsel-in-distress' action.**

 **Other notes I would like to make are that the four boys and Kate are all eighteen or older. Also, Kate has been missing for two weeks as of the start of this chapter. She and Kenny are not only together as a couple, but they've been living together for a few months.**

 **NOTE: NOT CONNECTED WITH THE REST OF THE STORY IN ANY WAY.**

 _ **OWTF**_ **!**

* * *

 _Ow… my head…_

I open my eyes to see I'm in a place I don't recognize. It looks like a boiler room straight out of a horror movie, where Freddy Krueger will come out any minute and slice me open. I stagger to my feet and look around to try and get a better grip on my surroundings. I can hear the clanging of pipes in the distance—a familiar and slightly-comforting sound. I quickly try to find something to defend myself with.

"Hello?" I call, a little hesitant as I unscrew a pipe.

"Is someone there?" I hear an all-too-familiar voice call back. I almost drop my weapon before they come into view.

" _Kyle!_ " I gasp.

"Kenny!" he gasps back, rushing forwards. "Do you have any idea where this is?"

"No," I reply, tightening my grip on the pipe. "And I have a feeling we're in big fucking trouble."

"I woke up an hour ago and I've been wandering around, trying to find something familiar. I keep hearing things and it's freaking me out!"

I unscrew a second old pipe (evidently these are for show, not use, since they're pretty rusty) and hand it to Kyle. He takes it without a word, nodding as we head off together.

This 'boiler room' is actually a massive labyrinth of pipes, steel beams, and hissing steam, dead ends around nearly every corner. Oddly enough, nobody is here besides us, as far as we know. We eventually run into Cartman (who's crying for his mom and Kate) and Stan (who took a similar approach to me in grabbing something to defend himself with—a crowbar).

"I keep hearing stuff," he says, looking around. "I heard a girl giggling and I thought I saw Kate."

"Well, if _we're_ down here, chances are that Kate is, too," I sigh. "I hope she's o—"

Suddenly, a high-pitched whine comes from overhead as some kind of intercom system crackles to life. The voice coming over it is music to my ears—Kate. My beautiful girlfriend who's been missing for two weeks.

" _Shit, is this thing working?!_ " she squeaks. " _I hope so._ " She clears her throat. " _Guys, I don't have much time. You_ **need** _to find the exit. Don't worry about me._ "

"Babe!" I yell up to the nearest speaker, causing her to yelp. "What are you _talking about_?! We're not leaving you!"

" _You_ **have** _to!_ " she snaps, picking the microphone back up. " _I can't keep them both at bay much longer! Get out while you still can!_ "

"Who is 'them'?" Kyle asks.

Before Kate answers, she begins screaming in pain.

" _Get off that intercom, you stupid whore!_ " a man yells at her in a Jersey accent. A deep voice, plus that insult…

" _Let go of her!_ " I yell, gripping the pipe tighter.

" _Or_ **what** _, you welfare-fag? You'll beat me with that pipe of yours?_ _Trust me, kids, you're in over your heads._ "

"Kate, we're coming! Just hold on and we'll help you kill him!"

" _My daughter is an idiotic, disrespectful, psychotic little bitch. She has_ **no idea** _how to kill someone… or should I say_ **had** _no idea how to kill someone._ "

"What. Did. You. Do. To. Her?" I ask, about to smash the nearest object.

" _Nothing much. All I did was bring her here. She's already murdered a couple of the guards trying to escape, but now she's contained. Goodbye!_ "

"Wait!"

Before I could say anything else, the intercom cut off. Rage floods my being and I start running in a random direction. I vaguely hear the guys calling my name and running after me, but I don't care. My body has kicked into high gear to get to Kate as soon as I can. Suddenly, I feel two sets of hands grab me and pull me back. I turn to see Stan and Kyle are holding my arms.

"Let me go!" I snap to them both.

"We don't even know where we're going, Kenny!" Kyle reminds me, tightening his grip. "We need a plan. We can't just rush in there."

"My _girlfriend_ is in there, and she's hurt!"

Still, they manage to calm me down to a point where I can think clearly. I remember a story Kate told me about—the story of the Minotaur and the hero who slays him. Apparently, it's the only myth her dad knows, and he admired King Minos for his efficiency in dealing with annoyances. Anyway, according to the story, the Minotaur was at the center of a massive labyrinth, built by a genius inventor as a way to contain the half-man.

"The Minotaur," I say, snapping my fingers.

"The what, now?" Stan asks, looking confused.

"The Minotaur! It's Mike's favorite story, from what Kate said, and this place is like a labyrinth! We just need to find a way to get to the center and we'll find him and Kate."

"As long as we get out of here," Cartman agrees, whimpering.

We follow the hall down all the twists and turns, running into more than a few dead ends. The silence once we enter what must be near the center is eerie, the sound of the clanging pipes dying away and being replaced with nothing but the sounds of our footsteps, our breathing, and our rapidly-beating hearts. It's deafening and more than a little unnerving. Still, for me, the thought of getting Kate away from Mike is more than enough to keep me going and keep me from turning back.

I've seen her scars.

I know what he did to her.

I know what he _tried_ to do to her.

How many nights has she cried her eyes out in my arms, reliving the torment in her mind? How many times has she been afraid to leave the house because he might be out there? How much more pain is he going to put her through? How long…

…until he kills her?

* * *

The door is large and ornate—extremely out of place underground. I open it by kicking it in like a badass. We enter a room that makes it apparent we're in an underground bunker of some kind, complete with security cameras and a metal door on one wall. A key is sitting on the console that has the security footage playing on it. I grab the key and the ornate door closes and locks, trapping us inside.

"We'll find a way out!" Kyle offers. Cartman, the fat and lazy bastard he is, finds a chair and sits down rather than helping.

I run over to the metal door and put the key in the lock. By some miracle, it works and the door opens. I head down the hall that the door led to. As I go, I can hear Kate crying at the end and I quicken my pace. Eventually, I come to a room that has blood on the floor. I can see a couple of bodies in the corner. Kate herself is curled into a ball, her face buried in her knees. I kneel next to her and begin stroking her hair like I always do.

"Kate," I whisper, and she looks up at me. Her eyes are red from crying, and she scoots away.

"Get away from me, Kenny," she says, her voice trembling.

"Babe—"

"No. I'll—I'll hurt you. I'll kill you. Just like them." She gestures to the bodies in the corner. "You have to go."

"Sorry, but I'm not leaving." I sit down and lean against her, and she lets me. "What's going on?"

"I'm… I'm sick. Something in my head. There's two of me in there. One of them is right here—that's _this_ me—but the other one is still up there, screaming to get out, for me to let her out. I've been fighting her for years, but she _wants out_. She wants to hurt people. She wants to make them suffer. She wants me to be the soulless, emotionless, obedient, perfect killing machine that my father wants me to be." She's shaking, so I put my arm around her to try and comfort her. "I don't _want_ to be that me. _That me_ would obey him no matter what. _That me_ would get married to a stranger and kill him after the wedding, just so my father could become richer. _That me_ wouldn't hesitate to kill…" She looks at me, then looks away, and I catch her meaning. "I call her Katherine. I know that's my full name, but I'm _Kate_. Katherine is the one who will do whatever my father asks. I hate her."

"You said you've been fighting her for years?"

"Ever since the day Uncle Pete took me away from my father and brought me to South Park. She started screaming the day I left Young Beach and hasn't stopped since."

"Kate, you can beat her," I assure my girlfriend, but she's not listening.

"…I think… I think Katherine is the part of me that's proud to be from a gangster family. I think she's the side of me that everyone has—the side everyone tries to hide but not everyone is able to."

I hug her to my chest and she starts sobbing again. I cradle her gently until she wears herself out and then I carry her out of the room and down the hall. I can tell she's lost some weight, and that she's not in the best physical health, but she's _alive_. I finally reach the metal door and the surveillance room where Kyle and Stan are trying to pry the ornate door open. Cartman notices me and pushes over a cot that was in the corner, presumably for Mike to sleep on while he watched over his daughter/human torture experiment subject. I lay her down on the cot.

It's only now, in the light, that I see how battered and bruised she is.

Almost immediately, I want to hold her again, and this time, I don't want to let her out of my sight. I reach for her, then pull back. She's asleep, at least, and as comfortable as we can possibly make her. I take her hand and squeeze it. Cartman, for once reading the room, backs away and goes to help with the door. Kate sits up suddenly.

"Get away from the door," she says in a chilling tone. The others obey and back away, just as the door flies open to reveal Mike. He's smirking in a way that says he's about to win.

"I see you found her," he comments nonchalantly. "It doesn't matter. All four of you will be dead soon."

"No," Kate replies.

"You're not in a position to negotiate, you bitch." He shoves me aside and slaps her. "You're going to do your fucking job."

" _No_."

Kate reels back and lands a hard punch to Mike's nose, knocking him backwards and making him hold his nose after a loud _crunch_ fills the air. Behind his hand, blood is flowing and staining his too-tanned skin brownish red. It's a sickening color and reminds me that despite all the money she had as a kid, Kate's world wasn't that different from mine. Like me, she comes from a world of violence and drugs—a world where only the strong survive and even _that_ isn't guaranteed. A world where you have to fight or get killed by fighters. The only difference is that she lived in a big house.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH!" He lunges for her and she ducks under his arm, falling to the floor. Stan and Kyle rush over and help her up, while Mike bleeds all over the cot. Cartman snatches the gun attached to Mike's belt and tosses it to Kate while I hold down the broken-nosed bastard.

Kate shoots him twice.

Once in the gut.

Once in the head.

He passes out from blood loss, and I expect Kate to drop the gun.

She doesn't. Instead, she has this odd look on her face. Her bright green eyes are glazed with something I don't recognize, and her smile is twisted into something evil. She shrugs off Kyle and Stan and brings the handle of the gun down on Mike's head. To our horror, she continues bashing his head in with the gun. I rush forward and wrestle her to the ground, trying to get the gun out of her hand. It hits the floor and Stan kicks it across the room.

"Kate, calm down!" I beg. She tries to scratch and punch me, but I'm holding down her arms and sitting on her torso, keeping her from attacking me. Cartman is holding down her legs while Kyle grabs Mike's phone and dials 911.

Eventually, Kate stops fighting me and her eyes become teary as she starts crying again.

"Kate, I love you, but you need help," I tell her, letting her sit up. She nods.

"I'll go to a psychiatrist," she sobs, latching onto me.

A few minutes later, after Kate falls asleep again (from exhaustion and crying), the police and an ambulance arrive. The paramedics check Kate over and determine that she needs to be put in the hospital. Mike is _somehow_ still alive, and they rush him out as soon as they can. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and I are put in the back of a cop car and driven to the hospital at my insistence.

It's over…

* * *

 _ **TWO MONTHS LATER…**_

Sunlight streams through our bedroom window as I open my eyes. Kate is snuggled up next to me, snoring lightly. She didn't have a nightmare last night, which is good, according to Dr. Harding. He says every night that she doesn't have a nightmare is a sign of her getting better.

After we went to the hospital, Mike was arrested for kidnapping and torture once he regained consciousness. Kate wasn't charged with anything due to the fact that he'd been holding her captive and that she was diagnosed with a split personality. Dr. Harding, the psychiatrist assigned to her case, began helping her keep 'Katherine' under wraps. She's only been home for a couple weeks now, because they wanted to keep her for observation to be sure she wouldn't go on a rampage and try to kill anybody. Dr. Harding said that Kate's split personality was the result of her father's abuse and the two weeks of torture she endured under him—a coping mechanism.

"Kenny?"

I'm shaken from my thoughts by Kate's voice. I look down to see her awake and gazing at me with a smile.

"Morning, beautiful," I tell her. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good. I didn't have any nightmares." She gets out of bed and slips on one of my T-shirts. "I'm going to make breakfast."

"You do that."

She exits the room.

I don't know how long she'll be my Kate. I don't know if she'll ever snap back into being Katherine. I do know that I made a promise when she came home that I'd help and support her in getting better, even if it never happens. It's my job, and I'm going to take it seriously.

Even if she kills me, over and over, I'll be there for her.

* * *

 **Yeah, so I don't know how many of you read these author's notes, but I'll explain the best I can what's up with Kate for those who are curious.**

 **So, the concept of Kate having two sides of her personality has been an idea in the back of my head for a while. Originally, one side was Kate Cartman and the other side was Katherine Silverton—one sweet but strong, and the other cold and ruthless. This eventually morphed into the AU idea that Mike Silverton tried to turn his only child into a perfect killing machine until she ended up in South Park thanks to her uncle. In this version, Kate's mother was murdered by Mike and Mike was never tried for the crime, so he raised Kate alone until Pete got his niece out of there.**

 **As far as the boys being in the maze, Mike just wanted them out of the way. He never planned for them to know Kate was there so quickly. His plan was to break her completely and then turn her loose so nobody would be able to snap her out of that state. As you can see, that failed and Kenny is trying to help her keep a handle on 'Katherine'. What a good boyfriend!**

 **Also, yes, Kenny and Kate have fucked. Several times. I just wanted to say that. No, Cartman isn't happy about it, but he's learned to either deal with it.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	28. I'm Bi and I'm Proud

**A belated Pride Month chapter, centered around Bebe and Kate.**

 **Surprise!**

 **I'll have more of an anecdote at the end, so meet you there!**

* * *

 _You are straight. You are straight. You are straight._

I repeated those three words in my head over and over. If I repeated them enough, then maybe they'd become reality. It didn't feel right, but it didn't feel _wrong_ , either. It made me feel a little sick to be thinking them, but I kept doing it.

Maybe I should explain.

My name is Bebe Stevens. I'm thirteen years old and I go to Southwest Park Junior High. I'm considered fairly pretty and popular among my peers, and I'm the girl most of the boys want to date. I had a few boyfriends in elementary school, but nothing that really _stuck_. I was one of the first girls in my class to begin going through puberty, having grown breasts in fourth grade, and everyone started treating me differently. Thankfully, things went back to normal, but that experience changed me. I became a bit more self-conscious about how everyone treated me. I got a little depressed, but I got over it.

And now…

Now I'm starting to have feelings for a girl in my class. Her name is Heather Thompson, and she's from West Park. She's really pretty and I'm starting to feel about her how I felt about a couple of my boyfriends in elementary school. It's awkward and awful and I don't know how to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with being gay—don't get me wrong, gay people are the fucking _best_ —but I'm not gay. I still like guys, too! I can't talk to my friends about it because they'll judge me. Even if they claim they don't, I know the girls. They can't keep their damn mouths shut for the life of them. Not even Wendy.

This is some serious, life-changing shit that I'm going through, and I need to talk to somebody. I need to talk to somebody who won't gossip or spread rumors, but somebody who can help me work through this emotionally. Tweek and Craig—even though they're gay, I don't think they'll get what's going on. The other boys are too immature and would call me a lesbian. I don't think I can talk to an adult about this, either. My family's pretty strictly Catholic, so I don't think my parents would accept or understand.

 _Who can I talk to?_

As I walk to English class, I glance ahead of me and see Kate Cartman talking to Kenny McCormick. She's a pretty nice girl, and I know for a fact that she's not one of The Girls (as our group was called in elementary school). In fact, she made it a point to _avoid_ being roped into our group because she hated rumors and gossip. Instead, she hung out with her brother and his friends. She wasn't gay (as far as I knew) but she understood the nuances (is that the right word?) of what that meant.

Kate is my best choice.

I walk into English and remember that Kate sits beside me. Kenny's also in our class and sits behind her. I think he has a crush on her, but I'm not sure. Anyway, our teacher tells us to pair up for a project and I quickly take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Kate.

"Hey, Kate!" I say to her before Kenny can tap her on the shoulder. He shoots me a look but I ignore him. "Wanna be my partner?"

"Um… sure," Kate says. Kenny says something to her that I don't quite catch and she flicks his forehead in response. I pull her to a corner of the room where we can work in private and she pulls out her phone.

"Thanks for being my partner."

"No problem. Now, we need to pick a topic."

"I wasn't paying attention. What's the assignment?"

"Our assignment is to pick a classic literary character and psychologically analyze them. We then write up a script and perform a session in front of the class."

"Oh. Okay. Any ideas?"

"Well, I've always liked the idea of Alice from _Alice in Wonderland_ actually having a form of schizophrenia and delusions."

"Sounds great. Let's do that."

"Well, writing the script will take a while, as will the research."

"True. Why don't we meet up at your house after school?"

"That sounds great. Wait, you're not going to make me do all the work, are you?"

"Nope!"

She gave me a look of suspicion but didn't say anything.

* * *

"This is your house?"

I look up at the green house in front of me and realize with a start that I've never been to Cartman's house. Actually, that's a good thing. Cartman is an asshole, but Kate has assured me that he's over at Clyde's, working on the same project as us. We head upstairs to her room, where she takes out her laptop and logs in. For about an hour, we're working on nothing but the project, talking about the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter and every other wacky creature Alice met along her journey.

Then, I work up the courage to ask.

"Kate… can you like boys and girls at the same time?"

Kate stops and looks at me.

"I-I'm just wondering, because it seems like you can only either be gay or straight. You can only like one or the other, and I'm wondering if it's possible, or if there's a word for it…?"

"It's perfectly fine," Kate says, smiling. "And, yeah, it's normal. It's called being bisexual. Or pansexual. If you're either of those, it means you like both, and if you're pan, it means you like anybody. Why the sudden curiosity?"

"Oh, well, it's because… I like this girl in our class—Heather Thompson. But… I also like guys."

"And you're worried about how people will take it?"

"Exactly."

"Don't be."

"Easy for you to say. You've never worried about what people say. I've always been the pretty and popular girl, and that reputation is important." Kate blinks, then walks over to her bookshelf. She pulls off a black book and sits on the floor next to me as she opens it. The first page is a picture of a baby.

"This is me when I was born, in New Jersey," she tells me. "I spent the first five years of my life trying to fit in with the other kids my age, but it didn't work. I didn't figure it out until much later, but it wasn't _their_ approval I wanted. It was my dad's."

"Your birth father?" She turned to a picture of a three-year-old standing next to a guy who was _jacked_ , to say the least.

"Yeah, him. I was never good enough, and I cared what he and the others thought. I tried to be the daughter he wanted, but it was never enough. When my birth mom took me across the country, I still wanted approval and acceptance, something I already had with her. For three years, I was sure that _I_ was the reason my mom left my dad, and in a way, it was true. It was because my dad tried to… you know."

"Oh, yeah. I remember from the trial."

"When I found out about the real reason we'd left New Jersey, it clicked in my head. I had spent my whole life caring about what other people thought, and I realized I didn't want or need it. I needed the approval of myself. I had to stop caring what people I barely knew thought of me. That's what you need to do, Bebe. Just accept it and other people will accept it, too."

"I don't know if I can…" She closed the book and took my hands in hers.

"Bebe, I want you to repeat after me. 'I'm bi and I'm proud.' "

"I'm bi… and I'm proud."

"Louder."

"I'm bi and I'm proud."

"Louder!"

" _I'm bi and I'm proud! I'm bi and I'm proud!_ "

It felt _good_ to say that. It felt _good_ to know that I wasn't weird or abnormal.

Kate was right.

* * *

"Mom, Dad?"

"What is it, honey?" my mom asked.

It had been two months since my talk with Kate, and I had accepted that I was bisexual. However, I had yet to tell my parents about it, or anybody else for that matter. Kate had encouraged me to start with my parents, and I had decided to take her advice.

"Do you guys love me?"

"Of course we do, sweetheart!"

"Yes, of course!" Dad echoes.

"What if… what if I said I wasn't straight?"

"You're _gay_?!" Dad gasps.

"No. Well, kind of." I take a deep breath. "I'm bi. I like boys _and_ girls. I get if you guys don't like it."

"We're just a little _surprised_ ," Mom assures me. "A-are you sure?"

"I wasn't until a couple months ago. I had a talk with Kate Cartman because I knew she wouldn't judge me, and she told me it was okay if I liked boys _and_ girls."

"You're not dating her, are you?" Dad asks.

"God, no. She's straight. But she did help me put it into perspective."

"I'm glad you felt comfortable telling us, Bebe," Mom says. "It's going to take some getting used to, especially if you get a girlfriend."

"I know. I feel like it's who I am, though."

"We'll do some research on what it means so we don't come off as too insensitive to you."

"Thanks, Mom."

And that is the story of how I, Bebe Stevens, came to terms with my bisexuality.

* * *

 **Here's the anecdote I promised.**

 **Sexuality is kind of a weird topic in today's world. I know people of all sexualities, and all of them are absolutely wonderful people. However, I also know a lot of people are afraid to come out of the closet/car/window, and that hurts my heart. I'm one of those people who says 'let love win'. Love is love, and no matter who it is you love, you should be free to be with that person. For an absolutely beautiful song about the subject, look up the song 'Everyone is Gay' by Great Big World. It was a major inspiration for this chapter.**

 **Also, this is why Kate wasn't shocked about Bebe having a girlfriend in the high school chapters.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	29. The Elf Queen of Larnion

**Got bored. Decided to write a** _ **Stick of Truth**_ **chapter where all the kids are their actual characters. And they're aged up. Oh, and I changed Kate's role a bit. I think you'll like what I'm doing.**

 _ **Not Kate X Kenny!**_

* * *

Deep in the forests of Zaron, behind a picturesque waterfall, there was a network of hidden caves. Within these hidden caves lived a group of young women, unknown to the world outside of their home. They kept to themselves out of fear of the savage men that lurked outside. Rumors of the wars between the humans of Kupa Keep and the Drow Elves of Larnion had reached even them in their almost complete solitude. None of them wanted to be drawn into the conflict. After all, they were women who wouldn't be allowed on the battlefield, but they would surely be taken prisoner.

They called themselves the Ladies of the Waterfall, and isolation from the rest of civilization was their way of life. For food, they hunted and foraged in the woods. If they needed to heal, they used healing spells and herbs. None of them had any reason to leave the forests, or even go too far from the waterfall that concealed their home from outsiders. Their society remained unknown to the Elves and humans alike, save for women seeking refuge.

Until one fateful day…

* * *

"My King, I think we're lost."

Kyle glanced at Stan, who was checking his compass. They'd decided to try and map out the forests of Zaron in an effort to catch Kupa Keep off-guard, but they'd been wandering for a few days. So far, they had no hope of escaping the forest.

"I think you're right, Stan. Let's make camp for the night."

The two men slid off their horses and began pulling their things out of the saddlebags. Together, they prepared to settle in before nightfall.

A stick cracked in the bushes in front of Kyle.

"Who's there?!" he asked, pulling out his staff. Panicked footsteps began to fade as whoever it was ran away. "Hey!"

The Elf King began to give chase, his top general right behind him. Through the trees, he could see the back of a young girl's head. She wore a dress of animal hides and appeared to be terrified.

"Stop!" Stan yelled.

Suddenly, both men tripped over a tree root that had sprung from the ground. Kyle coughed up some of the grass he'd swallowed as a result. The girl vanished into the trees.

"What the fuck just happened?!" Stan inquired. "There's no way she did that!"

"Leave this forest!" a female voice demanded.

"We'd love to, but we're lost!" Kyle snapped, annoyed.

"Who are you?" a second female voice asked.

"I'm the Elf King Kyle. This is my top general, Stan Marshwalker."

"…you mentioned that you're lost. Why come here in the first place?"

"Who _cares_ why they're here?!" the first voice groaned. "They need to leave."

"We wanted to map the forest so we can invade Kupa Keep," Stan told the voices honestly. "If you live in the forest, we don't want to hurt you."

There was the sound of branches breaking before two girls dressed in animal hides landed lightly in front of them. They both had pale skin and looked strong. One had dark brown hair, freckles, and bright green eyes. The other had black hair the color of raven's feathers and brown eyes.

"I'm sorry for invading your home," Kyle stated, bowing.

"And attempting to attack our sister," added the brunette, crossing her arms.

"We didn't realize humans lived in the forest of Zaron—at least, not so deep within the trees."

"You need to leave," the girl with black hair insisted.

"Please, we're lost. We have no idea how to get back to Larnion from here. Could you help us?"

"The Chieftess has a map of the forest," the brunette stated. "We should take them to her."

"And let them into our home? Never! Outsiders are forbidden within the caves."

"Excuse me for asking, but what are your names?" Stan spoke up.

"I'm Wendy, and this is Kate."

"I'll stay with them and you can bring the Chieftess here," offered Kate.

"That works. Restrain them so they can't attack."

"What?!" Kyle yelped as Wendy left. Kate's eyes glowed and she raised a hand. Vines erupted from the ground and held the two men in place.

"It's nothing personal," Kate sighed. "We've had trouble with invaders in the past, and we don't trust strangers in our forest."

"I get it, but is restraining us really the best solution?"

"You'd be surprised what's been done to us. This is just standard protocol."

Kyle found himself looking into her eyes. They were a green that seemed to reflect the leaves of the trees, the new growth that accompanied each spring. She was obviously controlling the plants that were restraining him and Stan, so she was also a mage of some kind. In order for that kind of magic to work, a deep connection with nature was required—one that she obviously had. Elves had always prided themselves on being the only race with that kind of connection with the world around them.

 _She must have elven blood…_

Within minutes, Wendy returned with a blonde woman and two guards. Both the guards were female, as well.

 _Is this tribe made up entirely of women?_

"These are the intruders?" asked the blonde woman, glancing over Stan and Kyle.

"We didn't intend to hurt you, Your Grace!" Kyle insisted quickly. "We just got lost."

Bebe's blue eyes glowed like Kate's had earlier as she scanned them. It was an uncomfortable gaze before she nodded.

"Let them down. We'll lead them to the path, but then they must leave."

Kate released her vines and Stan and Kyle hit the ground with loud _thuds_.

"Pardon me, Your Grace," Kyle stated, clearing his throat. "But, as a neighboring ruler, I'd like to extend a hand of friendship between our two groups."

"My tribe has lived for centuries without needing outside interference. Why should we start now?"

"Because you have powerful magic! You can help us end the war with the humans."

"Do you know what our tribe is made up of, King Kyle?"

"Um…"

"Most of the women in my tribe have been hurt by this war. Some of us were born here in the forest, but most of us came from outside it. In some way, this is the last safe place for females because of what you and your people have done. Why would we jeopardize that by becoming your ally?"

"Because we'll make sure that the location of your tribe remains a secret. If you want to meet, send a messenger to Larnion to arrange the meeting. You don't have to risk the safety of your tribe, and we'll only seek you out in times of dire need."

Bebe blinked, then a look of interest crossed her face.

"You _swear_ that you won't hurt our tribe? You swear to the gods themselves?"

"Yes." Kyle nodded.

"Then, as a show of good faith, I will send one of my warriors with you to escort you out of the forest. She'll spend one night as your guest and return. Is that fair?"

"Yes, Your Grace." Bebe smiled.

"Well then, you can camp for the night and tomorrow, Kate will find you and bring you out."

* * *

"Are you two ready to go?"

Kyle woke at the sudden voice. He shot up to see Kate standing there, wearing clothes made of an elven cloth rather than animal hides. Her hair was still braided, though, and she was carrying a pack. Obviously, she was ready to go.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" she asked. "I thought you were meditating."

"No, it's fine. We'll be ready in a few minutes. You'll be riding with me."

"I already packed up the campsite," Stan called. "All that's left is your sleeping roll."

Kyle stood up and rolled up his sleeping roll before stashing it in his saddlebag. It was then that he reached out his hand to Kate.

"Come on. I'll help you on."

Kate took his outstretched hand and he helped her into the saddle. He climbed on behind her and she directed them through the trees. Within a couple hours, they were out and could see Larnion in the distance. Almost immediately, a feeling of relief went through the top-tier elven warriors and they increased their speed towards the kingdom, where they could see thick smoke rising from it.

"What the fuck?!" Stan gasped.

"What the hell happened?" Kyle whispered. The Elves emerged from the broken remains of houses and shops to see who was coming through, weapons in hand. Upon seeing it was their king, however, they began to cheer.

"Y-you've r-r-re-returned!" stammered the Bard, Jimmy, emerging from the castle on his crutches. Kyle got off of his horse and helped Kate to the ground. "And wh-who is this m-m-maiden with you?"

"This is Kate. She'll be spending the night here. Kate, this is Jimmy, better known as the Bard."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Jimmy," Kate said, bowing politely. He blinked, smiling.

"And the s-s-sa-same to you, L-L-La-Lady Kate! W-w-wel-welcome to L-Larnion!"

"Thank you."

Several of the other elven warriors came forwards, whispering about this mysterious girl that their king had brought back from his travels outside the kingdom. Kate shifted in discomfort and Kyle coughed, getting the attention of his army.

"Kate is here for one night as our guest," he declared. "She'll be shown the utmost respect while she's here. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Your Majesty!" The Elves saluted their king and headed off to rebuild. All except for Bradley, who Stan had asked to stay behind and explain what had happened.

"The humans attacked while you were gone. They destroyed as much as they could while Craig Feldspar took the Stick. I'm sorry we couldn't stop him, Your Majesty."

"I'm just glad there weren't many casualties," Kyle sighed. He noticed Kate looking at the castle in awe.

"It's like home…" she murmured.

"Come inside and we'll find you a place to sleep."

As the two of them walked through the palace, Kyle could hear the whispers about Kate even more clearly. Some said she was a trophy from a battle he'd fought on his journey. Others said she was his lost love, come to take her rightful place as the Elf Queen.

 _A wedding might boost morale… no! You promised that she'd return home!_

"Who's the current Elf Queen?"

Kate's question startled Kyle from his thoughts as they entered a guest room.

"What?!"

"Who's the current Elf Queen? Your people said I should take my rightful place. Doesn't that mean there's someone in the position already?"

"N-no. There isn't an Elf Queen right now. The closest we have is my mother, but she and my father left the kingdom once I took the throne."

"Oh. So why do they want _me_?"

"Honestly, you're the first female they've seen me interact with besides my mother. I guess they're hoping with a queen, they'll have more to fight for as a kingdom." He coughed. "Not that I _want_ you to be the queen! I promised your Chieftess you'd be returned tomorrow, so that's that."

"Well, there's nothing keeping me from coming _back_ , is there?"

"There isn't, but you don't have to—"

"Your kingdom is in big trouble, Kyle. Obviously, the war with the humans is taking a drastic turn. You'll need warriors to fight for you, and boost spirits somehow."

"Kate…"

"And, if it's me not having elven blood you're worried about, my mother was an elf. She left Larnion when she was pregnant with me because a human raped her. I'm the product of that shameful union and I want to see the humans destroyed just as much as you do, if not more. Let me help."

"Okay. We're glad to have you."

* * *

A couple months passed. Kate became a permanent resident of the castle, which did nothing to sooth the rumors of her and the king's relationship. The Elves managed to take back the Stick of Truth and heal much of the kingdom. In those couple months, as well, Kyle and Kate had become close friends. When the Stick was again taken by the humans, it was Kate who came up with the plan to retrieve it.

And then she came up with a second idea, which she passed onto Stan.

"Kyle, when are you going to make Kate the Elf Queen?"

Kyle choked on his drink at Stan's sudden question.

"What the fuck, Stan?!"

"Sorry, it's just… she's a powerful mage and she's of elven blood, not to mention you're obviously in love with her."

"I'll have to ask Bebe. If I'm going to marry a member of her tribe, I might as well get her permission."

"You already have it. Bebe gave it on her last visit."

"She did?"

"She said that if you want to marry Kate and make her the queen, then she'll support it as long as she's invited to the wedding."

Kyle stood up and rushed out of the room, heading towards the library where he'd last seen Kate. She was nowhere to be found there, so he headed out into the gardens. The mage was making trees and vines grow from the ground into intricate shapes—a beautiful and confusing display if you didn't know about her magical ability. Kyle tapped her on the shoulder and she let out a yelp.

"Kyle, what the fuck?"

"Will you become the Elf Queen?" She blinked.

"What?"

"Will you marry me and become Queen of the Drow Elves?"

"Yes. I will."

Their engagement was announced to the kingdom that afternoon to much rejoicing.

* * *

"My Lord!"

The Grand Wizard, Eric Cartman, looked up from his lunch at the Paladin Butters. He was annoyed at the interruption, but he also knew that Butters wouldn't interrupt him without a good reason.

"Yes, what is it?"

"The Elves—they're going to have a queen now!"

"A _queen_. You interrupted my meal to tell me that a useless woman is going to be standing by King Kyle's side."

"She's not useless, if the rumors I heard are true," stated Princess Kenny. "Her name is Kate, and she's a powerful mage of both elven and human blood. Supposedly, she came from a tribe of women that the Elves are now allies with, and by marrying Kyle, she's solidifying the alliance."

"Hm… this could be bad."

"I've also heard that her entire tribe is made up of powerful warriors," added Craig. "Crossing them would mean death."

"I know of this tribe," Mike Silverton, a man who'd served the kingdom for many years, piped up. "My wife, while she was pregnant with our child, ran into the woods so she could leave me. I saw her again a few years later, and she'd joined that very tribe. She refused to tell me what had happened to my child, so I killed her."

"As you should have. That child was to be a part of Kupa Keep!" declared the Grand Wizard. "She robbed us of a warrior!"

"If you like, I can try and find this tribe to have them ally with us instead."

"Yes, do that!"

Mike vanished out the door.

Less than a week later, the doors opened again, this time by a young woman with dark brown hair. She was accompanied by Stan Marshwalker, King Kyle, the Bard, a second young woman with raven-black hair, and a young woman with curly blonde hair.

"Drow Elves!" Cartman yelled, pointing at the intruders.

"We haven't come to fight, Grand Wizard," Kyle stated, keeping his temper in check. Suddenly, the brunette's eyes glazed over and became a darker green. A look of horror came over her face and she dropped to her knees, crying out. "Kate!"

"So _this_ is the Kate of rumors?"

Kate stopped crying and staggered to her feet, shaking.

"Was it another vision?" the black-haired woman asked.

"Yes. And I think it has to do with all of us. Every tribe, kingdom, and faction in Zaron."

"What was in your vision, witch?" Craig demanded to know.

"I… I saw a battle, between every faction in Zaron. And an army of the dead, revived by a green elixir that transformed them into monsters. There were rains of fire, blood, and arrows, and the smell of magic. Then suddenly, a single warrior entered the battlefield. They single-handedly ended the battle and took the Stick… and then there was peace."

"Any way of telling when this battle is coming?" asked Stan.

"It will be within a year's time. My visions don't reach farther than that. But… this vision tells me a single warrior will end the fighting and take control of the Stick of Truth. I can't tell if the peace came at the cost of blood or if… if they united all factions. All I know is that one warrior will end it all."

"Then… we must find this warrior!" Cartman snapped. "And he will fight for the humans of Kupa Keep!"

"They'll fight for the Elves!" Kyle shot back.

"No! She'll fight for the Ladies of the Waterfall!" the blonde hissed.

Kate sighed; this power was a blessing and a curse.

She had no control over it, but it was letting her know that peace was not only possible; it was coming within a year's time. The wars that had raged for a thousand years would end and Zaron would know peace.

Now all that was left to do was wait.

* * *

 **So, yeah, this actually plays into Kate's original conception.**

 **When I first created Kate, Lisa was her aunt, not her mother, and Kate moved to South Park after a car accident that killed her parents and left her paralyzed from the waist down. In that iteration, Kate was a master strategist who kept an eye on battle via drone and only communicated with Kyle, who she had a crush on. Mike was still her father, but he wasn't abusive; in fact, he was a fantastic father. Her mother didn't have a name.**

 **She eventually developed into the Jersey girl we all know and love.**

 **In this version of the story, Kate is essentially part of a group that's meant to parallel the Amazons in a way. Bebe is the leader of this group, and this is my way of making the Girls a factor in this medieval world. Oh, and yes, if it were** _ **just**_ **Stick of Truth and her original conception, Kate would totally end up with Kyle. Of course, that doesn't mean she doesn't have Kenny. Princess Kenny and Elf Queen Kate are totally lovers once the wars are over.**

 **Oh, well.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


	30. Grown-Up (But Not Really)

**Adult life one-shot chapter for you lovelies for our thirtieth-chapter special. Chapter twenty was high school, thirty is adulthood with children. Based around the movie** _ **Grown-Ups 2**_ **, but not an exact copy… more like a rewrite and highlight reel. Also, you finally get to meet the kids I made for each of our friends months ago. YAY!**

* * *

"Kenny…"

Kate's voice drifted through his head. Kenny let out a moan at the sound of his wife's voice.

"Hey, babe."

"Kenny, you need to wake up."

"In a few minutes. I wanna hear your voice, baby."

"Kenneth James McCormick, you need to wake up, _now_."

Kenny opened his eyes. If the wife used his full name, it was time to obey. He glanced up and realized there was a large deer standing over them. Kate was staring up at it in shock and confusion.

"How the hell did that happen?" he whispered.

"Beats me."

Most people, in their situation, would've been screaming or running away or both. However, the McCormicks weren't most people. They had two immortal family members, not to mention they lived in South Park, Colorado. So, something like a grown buck in their bedroom wasn't that terrifying to the married couple of 17 and a half years.

"I'm going to count to three and roll out of bed. You follow and get the bat out of Becca's room."

"Got it."

"One… two… three!"

Kenny rolled out of bed. However, it appeared that the buck had been drinking a lot of water and had a tiny bladder, because he pissed all over the blonde man before running out of the room. Mason, their only son and fifteen years old, poked his head out of his room and watched him go by.

"How the hell did a deer get in the house?" he asked.

"Get a handle on it!" Kenny yelled, running after the deer.

The other two McCormick kids—Rebecca, seventeen, and Charlotte, nine—emerged from their rooms to see what the hell was going on just as their dad and Mason dumped baskets of laundry on the deer. Charlie gasped and the deer bolted down the stairs, avoiding the wide-open front door and heading for the kitchen.

"Daddy, I left the front door open so wild animals could come in," Charlie confessed, clinging to her dad's arm.

"And they did, sweetie," he said gently before yelling up the stairs, "Becca, get the bat!"

"Don't hurt him, Daddy!"

"He can't stay here. This isn't Uncle Eric's house."

"Yeah," Becca agreed, tossing her dad the bat. "If it were, Chris would've skinned the deer already."

"And I told you he inherited his psychopath tendencies from your uncle." Kenny was about to hit the deer when he realized it was staring at the bear in his youngest's hands. "Uh, Charlie, he wants the bear."

"He wants Mr. Stuffington?"

"Yeah, and I think he's gonna get Daddy or Becca if he doesn't get the bear…" Charlie pursed her lips, considering her options and her father and older sister's seriously bad luck.

"Okay. Mommy can sew him up later." She ran and threw the bear out the door, the deer bounding after it before tearing it to shreds.

"Good tag-team!" Kate complimented her kids. She then noticed her bra was hanging from one of the antlers and sighed as her kids went back inside to prep for their last day of school.

"Hey, is that your bra, Mrs. McCormick?" the mailman asked.

"I hate this," she muttered to Kenny.

"Hey, at least everyone knows my wife has the best tits in town." He affectionately squeezed her ass as they went back in.

Once the kids were off to school and Kate off to work (following an awkward exchange about Kenny's amazing parenting), Kenny headed out to meet up with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman—all three of whom had just seen their own kids off to school. Kyle was arguing with Cartman—as usual—and Stan was looking happy.

"Hey, Kenny," the black-haired man greeted him. "You won't believe what happened."

"I think my story's a little more unbelievable than yours."

"Oh, yeah? Did your wife forget your anniversary?" Kenny's eyebrows went up.

"Anal-retentive, organized-to-the-point-of-insanity Wendy forgot your anniversary?!"

"It's a free pass! She's always nagging me about remembering important dates and _she_ forgot one of the most important ones!"

"Dude, you just need to remember shit."

"Maybe, but I'm going to milk the hell out of this free pass. So, what happened at your place today?"

"Charlie's animal-loving got a little out of hand."

"Wait—something got in?"

"Fucking _deer_ got in. And it ripped apart Charlie's bear."

"Damn. She okay?"

"She's fine. Charlie's my _easy_ kid. Becca's got all her school drama going on, and Mason's started his girl-crazy phase. Charlie is still my baby."

"You're such a fucking pussy, Kenny," Cartman sneered.

"At least I _get_ pussy, fatass. And it's your sister's."

"HEY!" Cartman narrowed his eyes.

Yep, our boys were the same as always—just in adult bodies now.

* * *

"Rebecca McCormick?" former president Garrison droned.

"Present," she sighed, raising her hand slightly. He nodded.

Becca, at seventeen and the oldest McCormick child, was about to enter her senior year. Many people refused to believe that she was only in high school; most thought she was in college. She'd inherited her mother's face and body with her father's eyes. Her hair was a light brown color that got sun-streaked during spring and summer, a trait that she shared with Mason. Charlie, on the other hand, had Kenny's eyes and his hair color. Mason had their father's tousled style and their mother's green eyes. All of those traits inherited from their parents, most shared between at least two of them.

And yet only Becca was immortal.

Becca had inherited her father's ability—or, rather, inability—to die. Her family could remember every time she or her father had died, but nobody else could. It was endlessly frustrating and had caused her to miss a lot of school. Hell, she was lucky to be on the honor roll like she was! If she could have, she would have _gladly_ traded her 'gift' for permanent death, but according to her father, only an immortal could kill another immortal, and he wasn't going to kill her.

"Becca!"

She turned to her right to see her cousin/best friend, Libby, smiling.

"What's up?"

"We're about to be _seniors_! Can you believe it?!"

"I can. It's awesome."

"Dad says that since I'm a senior, I need to pull off a huge prank to make my mark."

"And my mother said the opposite. In fact, if I pull a prank, she's going to make sure I stay locked in my room until college."

"Well, that's just Aunt Kate for you. Super serious."

"I wouldn't say that. More like she's cautious. Your dad pulled a lot of shit when they were kids and she doesn't want me going down that road."

"Okay, fair."

The bell to signal the end of homeroom rang and the two headed out. They met up with Dylan Marsh and headed to their next class. After they were seated, the door opened to reveal a… kid? A kid none of them had seen before that looked more like an adult than most of the teachers.

"You must be Mark Tucker," the teacher greeted the student. "I'm Ms. Jennings. Take a seat and we'll get started."

Mark had black hair and dark eyes, already sporting a slight beard and mustache on his upper lip. Without thinking, Becca cowered in her chair. She'd heard from her dad that Craig had a son who was coming to live with him and Tweek for the summer, but she hadn't thought he'd be this… intimidating. The large boy forced another student out of his chair and sat in the cluster that housed Dylan, Becca, and Libby.

"You're Craig's son, right?" asked Libby. "I know your dad."

"I guessed," Mark grumbled. "He's a fag."

"Okay, then…" Becca mumbled. His eyes were on her, and she felt uncomfortable.

"You seem nice."

Who the hell _was_ this kid?

* * *

Kate let out a hiss of sympathy as Wendy finished her tirade.

"Wendy, it's not that bad—"

" _Easy for you to say! Dates are very important, and this was our anniversary! I can't believe I forgot!"_

"You and Stan have been married for eighteen years now. One of you was bound to forget an anniversary eventually. Kenny and I both forgot about our eighth because I thought I was going into labor with Charlie."

" _Yeah, but I always make such a big deal about Stan not remembering important events. He's never going to let me live it down…"_

"It'll be fine. Look, I got Kenny to agree to that start-of-summer party tonight, and the theme that you came up with."

" _Eighties?"_

"Eighties. Bring Stan and the kids, and we'll all just have a fun start to our summer. Okay?"

" _Okay. Have you told Kenny the news yet?"_

"Not yet. He's had his hands full with work at the garage, and today's his day off. I'll tell him at the party tonight."

" _You better."_

Kate hung up and sighed, banging her head on the desk. She then stood up and headed out of her office, passing her secretary, Tammy Warner, on the way. Tammy cleared her throat, catching the social worker's attention and making her turn around.

"Is something wrong, Tammy?"

"Mrs. McCormick, there's something I need to tell you about your husband."

"What about him?"

"Well… I dated him. A long time ago. And he _really_ liked me, you know. In fact, he spent a lot of money taking me to concerts." Kate opened and closed her mouth. "I just thought you should know that, just in case."

"O-okay…" Kate felt confused and uncomfortable. She'd hired Tammy a month earlier, following Rosemary's resignation. And in that time, Tammy had been a good worker, but Kate hadn't known about her history with Kenny. Not to mention that what Tammy was talking about couldn't have happened after she came to South Park since Kenny had started liking Kate shortly after that.

"Anyway, I'll hold down the fort here. Where are you off to?"

"Lunch and then Amy and Charlie's recital at the elementary school."

"All right."

The social worker and mother of three made a note to keep an eye on Tammy.

* * *

School was out now, and Dylan felt a sense of relief as he walked out with Becca and Libby. Mark was following them, since he'd decided they were worth his time, and then he stepped in front of the three.

"Let's do something fun," he said, smirking.

"Fun? Like what?" Libby asked, tilting her head.

"Follow me."

Not knowing what the hell he was talking about, the three friends followed him off school grounds. They ended up at a pickup truck—Mark's truck—and he drove them up towards the quarry. There, he led them through a hole in the fence to where a college rager was happening. Libby's eyes widened.

"No. No. This is a bad idea."

"It's a _good_ idea," Mark insisted, crossing his arms. She swallowed and nodded. "Play cool."

"Won't your dad be wondering where you are?" Dylan inquired.

"Nah, he's busy." Mark took off his shirt and joined the partying college students. "WHOO!"

 _SPLASH!_

He dove over the edge and landed in the water. Becca watched him with trepidation, her throat turning dry. She couldn't do a dive like that. No way. She'd snap her neck and end up in hell with Aunt Kimmy again. Her dad had specifically warned her away from the quarry for that reason. And because any other number of things could go wrong out there. She'd come back but have the horrifying memory of death.

"Hey, babe," a college dude slurred, throwing an arm around her. "You a senior?"

"Well, technically, yes, but—"

"Sweet."

"I'm in high school." He blinked, too drunk to actually process what she was saying. "Never mind."

"Hey, some of those old assholes from town are gonna jump!" she heard another guy say. She looked at the top of the cliff and then quickly covered her eyes.

She did _not_ need to see her dad naked. Ever.

Dylan and Libby shared that sentiment, doing the same.

Mark was mad.

* * *

Amy panted as she burst into the dressing room of the auditorium. The other girls all glared at her for being late—all except for Charlie, who gave her a gentle smile. She was grateful for the blonde-haired girl as she changed into her leotard and laced up her slippers.

"You want me to take care of your hair?" Charlie asked.

"Yes, please. Red and curly doesn't want to be tamed today."

Charlie managed to get Amy's hair into a bun before their ballet teacher—Miss Natalia—came into the backstage area. The beautiful woman clapped her hands and got the attention of all the dancers.

"I am proud, my little hummingbirds. You have all worked so hard to prepare for today, and I want to see you all shine out on the stage."

"Except Lamy Amy," muttered Theresa behind the redhead.

"Amy the Jew," sneered Helen, always the racist.

"Ignore them," Charlie whispered to her friend. "Remember, you can do this today. You have the solo."

Her stomach twisted. Today was going to be her most important recital yet—not just because she had a solo, but because of who was in the audience. Her dad was there (as always; he had yet to miss a performance) and her grandparents and her uncle, but there were also her dad's friends and their respective families, including Charlie's. But the one person who was coming today who was more important than anybody else was her mom.

Amy's mother was named Mikayla, and Mikayla did something for the government. Not the _local_ government—the _federal_ government. As a result, Mikayla (or Mickey, as Kate called her) was often out of town. When she was there, she spent all the time she could with her husband and daughter, but she'd never been to one of Amy's recitals because they almost always happened while she was gone. Mickey was finally home long enough to attend the recital, and Amy wanted to make her proud.

She followed the other girls onto the stage and gazed into the crowd as Miss Natalia introduced the class and their performance. Her eyes first spotted her grandparents and uncle… then Charlie's parents… the Marsh family… Mr. Cartman… Finally, they landed on her father, who had his phone out to record her performance, as always. Shakily, she looked to his left and then his right… and there she was. Mickey was smiling, her strawberry-blonde curls allowed to bounce free.

 _Mommy made it._

The music started and Amy began to follow the steps she knew by heart. She was happier than she'd been in a while, and she knew it reflected in her dancing. As the song shifted, she did, too—right to the front. Her father mouthed 'what?' as if he were in shock. She performed the part she'd worked so long to get before her solo was over and she'd rejoined the others.

And it was over.

* * *

"Holy shit!" Kyle cheered, carrying his daughter to the rest of his friends. "Did you _see_ my little girl?!"

"We all did, Kyle!" laughed Kate as Charlie joined them. "She has serious talent!"

"Mommy, I don't want to do ballet anymore," Charlie told the brunette.

"Okay, sweetheart. You don't have to."

"Amy's way better, anyway."

"For a Jew," muttered Cartman. His sister punched him. "What the fuck, Kate?!"

"Don't ruin this."

The group headed out for ice cream to celebrate, Kate checking her phone to see a text from Becca.

 _Met Craig's son. He's hanging out with me, Dylan, and Libby, but I'll be home soon._

"Apparently, Craig's son got here safe," she told her husband.

"Eh. I saw the kid earlier. He was at the quarry—" He shut his mouth, but she was already giving him the 'you-fucking-moron-just-because-you're-immortal-doesn't-mean-it-doesn't-hurt-when-you-die' look. "I was careful, babe. Trust me."

"You said that eighteen years ago and I found out about Becca two weeks later."

"Yeah, but now we're good. We have Becca, Mason, and Charlie—they're all we need." Kate bit her lip. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong."

* * *

Night fell and it was almost time for the party at the McCormicks to start. Kenny smiled at Mason and Charlie's costumes—Bowser and a disco queen, respectively. He himself was dressed as John Bender from _The Breakfast Club_ ; Kate was dressed as Audrey from _Little Shop of Horrors_ , complete with blonde wig and dress.

"What's _The Breakfast Club_?" Charlie asked her dad.

"It's considered one of the greatest movies of the eighties. You're too young to watch it."

"But I watched _Little Shop of Horrors_ with Mommy and she said it was okay."

"I have failed as a father."

"No you haven't," Kate sighed, coming downstairs. "You're a great father. To every baby we've had." Tears filled her eyes.

"Shit, Kate, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I-I need a minute." She ran back upstairs and he went after her. After waiting a moment for her to breathe, he joined her on the window seat in their bedroom. She was sniffling and he grabbed the box of tissues off the nightstand.

"Hey. Kate." She didn't look at him. " _Lift up your head. Wipe off your mascara. Here, take my Kleenex—wipe that lipstick away. Show me your face—clean as the morning. Know things were bad, but now they're okay._ "

She laughed and took the tissue, wiping the tears away and blowing her nose. He was smiling, too, but it was only because she'd stopped crying. Blinking away the remaining tears, Kate looked up at her husband with a smile.

"I know you were worried—you actually sang part of a showtune to cheer me up."

"Babe, you've been acting weird for a while now. What's wrong? Is… is this a hormone thing?"

"I… I guess you could say that. I'll be like this for a little while longer, though." He stared blankly at her. "Kenny, I'm pregnant again."

His mouth dropped open, and no sound came out until it seemed like it _all_ came out.

"Wait, what? No, you can't be. I mean, we haven't been—unless—no, you wouldn't. But there was—God, was it the fucking resort hot tub?"

"Thanks for the word vomit, and yes, it was the resort hot tub. During Spring Break."

He hugged her, both terrified and excited to have a new baby on the way. After that, he headed downstairs and broke the news to his friends, all of whom gave him looks of sympathy.

"Wendy said two is enough," Stan sighed. "You and Kate have three and now a fourth on the way. Lucky."

"I'm glad I only have two!" snorted Cartman.

"Yeah, because Heidi was the only woman willing to carry _your_ kids to term and not get them aborted," Kyle taunted.

"Oh, yeah? Says the Jew whose wife hasn't slept with him since she got pregnant ten years ago!"

"Mickey and I's sex life is none of your business!"

"I only have the one kid," admitted Craig, looking at Mark in the corner of the backyard. "And he's enough for me."

Silence. And then…

"This party fucking _blows_ , Kinney."

Before the blonde-haired man could respond, people began arriving at the backyard. Soon, the party kicked into high gear and everybody was having a good time. Kenny watched Amy dancing with Charlie, both replicating the moves they'd no doubt seen in some of the eighties music videos Kate liked to watch. When it was time, he put the two young girls to sleep and headed back downstairs to dance with his wife.

He was having a good time.

Until the college douchebags showed up.

These were the same ones who'd forced him to jump naked at the quarry that day. And they'd come with reinforcements—the kind that said they meant business. Their leader was Supreme Douchebag Vince, as Kenny had called him earlier that day, and he was sneering at Kenny.

"You're such a goddamn pussy, old man. Hiding behind a big party so we can't find you after what you did."

"What's going on?" Kate asked, walking up. She had her hand on her phone. Supreme Douchebag Vince gave her a once-over and smirked approvingly.

"This your daughter, townie?"

"This is my _wife_ , motherfucker. And you'd better leave."

"And why is that?"

"I know your college isn't in our town and you don't know _shit_ about South Park. But the one thing to remember is we _love_ drunken mobs getting into fights. And by the looks of things, you're starting—"

Vince landed a kick to Kenny's jaw, knocking him backwards.

The fighting started. Couples tag-teamed opponents and kids bit at anybody they could. Kenny watched Becca kick a guy in the gut, sending him flying into three other assholes who went down like bowling pins. Kate was using the skills her uncle/stepfather had taught her as a child and taking down dipshit after dipshit.

 _There is something so fucking sexy about her when she fights._

Vince, of course, was only targeting Kenny. The blonde struggled to keep up; he'd stopped being Mysterion shortly before Becca was born so he could spend more time with his wife and daughter and it was showing. Kate at least took kickboxing to keep in shape. He was regretting not joining her once Vince laid him out flat.

"Excuse me," he heard Charlie say. He managed to open his eyes to see his daughter, still in her pajamas, holding her repaired stuffed bear.

"Hello, little girl," Vince sneered.

"You won the fight. Congratulations—here's your prize!" She handed him the bear.

"Thanks. It's ugly like you." Charlie skipped off and Vince started mocking the bear.

Then Kenny heard hooves.

 _My kids are fucking geniuses._

By the time it was all over, most of the college kids had run away in fear. They'd realized not to mess with South Park residents—a _very_ valuable lesson. Most of the partygoers had left, and Kenny headed up to bed. After all, the next day was the beginning of summer, and he had a feeling it was going to be a good one.

* * *

 **Okay, so this isn't the best chapter. It's a little all over the place and it's kind of random, but hey. It's loosely based off an Adam Sandler movie. You can't ask for Pulitzer material from that and an author with ADHD.**

 **Families are as follows:**

 **McCormicks—Kenny, Kate, Becca, Mason, Charlie, and Baby Number 4.**

 **Cartmans—Cartman, Chris, and Libby (Heidi is the mother; Cartman and Heidi are divorced).**

 **Marshes—Stan, Wendy, Dylan (son), Jordan (son), and Max (daughter).**

 **Broflovskis—Kyle, Mickey, and Amy.**

 **Tuckers—Craig, Tweek, and Mark.**

 **And, yes, the Mickey in this story is my 'New Kid' from** _ **Stick of Truth**_ **and** _ **Fractured But Whole**_ **. She works for the government as essentially a propaganda machine, but they pay her well and only make her really work overseas.**

 **Sorry you didn't get to see most of the kids, but I'm planning to do some stuff with them later if anybody's interested.**

 **So long and thanks for all the fish!**


End file.
